[Excessum]

Hello!!! Not bad... I like the fact that you are trying to portray emotions and action on approximately the same level... hmm, well, what i did not like that there were some gaps in the story, where something must be told and filled in and the other thing is the fluidity of your telling pace, as in one moment you go really deep in-to one of your characters emotions and the moment you are galloping over a lot of stuff, like character backgrounds...
Hmm, just don't rush and read over what you have written, there could something really great come out of it...