Constructive criticism: Well, I think your plot seems very interesting. However, you have many mistakes with punctuation. For example, that first paragraph seems to me more like a very long run on sentence. That made it pretty exhausting for me to read.
Secondly, it's a little hard to read with the paragraphs so huge. Try to make those big paragraphs into 2 or 3 paragraphs. It makes it a lot easier to read. Also, putting in those sentences like 'Would you like to know more about this character?' With that in there, it doesn't really seem like a story. It's more like you're just telling it rather than writing it.
But, it sounds like it has potential to be a really good story. Just keep my advice in your head, ok?
