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Nathan (Offline)
JF Old Timer
 
Posts: 517
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Canada
07-02-2008, 06:09 AM

You're switching between informal and formal styles within the first couple sentences. It's generally best to just stick with one style.

If you wanted to stick with informal, you still missed the small "つ"
今日、雨が降
Formal
今日、雨が降りました

Quote:
私は外に?みませんでした。
I can't read the character where I put the ?
But if you want to say you didn't do anything outside:
私は外に何もしませんでした。


The next couple sentences have a few particle errors, and really could be combined into one sentence.

Quote:
「DEATH NOTE」がちょうと読みました。音楽もっとが演奏する。
You have written in the past tense in the first sentence, and present (and casual) in the second.

ちょうと → ちょっと

「DEATH NOTE」ちょっと読みました。

As for もっと, it really means "more", not "also". That belongs to も. And it would replace the が、not be placed next to it.

I'm not so sure えんそうする is really the proper verb for this. I'm more inclined towards 弾く(ひく), but I think you need to have the instrument for that. Regardless, it should be 演奏しました.

As I said earlier, it would look better as a single sentence.

「DEATH NOTE」をちょっと読んで、音楽を演奏しました。
(I read a little DEATH NOTE, and played music).

**I think ちょっと sounds better when placed in front of the DEATH NOTE, but I'm not sure its correct, so I didn't put it there.**

Quote:
これが全部です。私もっとは言えません。
The [これが全部です] doesn't ring right with me, I don't know how it should be said properly. But I will say you should have それ instead of これ。

私は何も言えません。
I cannot say any more.

Last edited by Nathan : 07-02-2008 at 06:16 AM.
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