Thank you ThirdSight!
That was really helpful.
As i said, that one is not my best because it is old and i didn't know that much about writing. I am going to post a different story, this one was just written for my friends so some of the places and things may be confusing. This is one i want to publish. There are a lot of cliches in this one and i have to edit it.
This is one of my newer stories so hopefully it is a little better than the previous one.
(kind of unrelated question: Does anyone think I should write a story based in Japan? most of mine are based in New York City.)
okay here is chapter one. it is a little long.
The lone figure hurried along the deserted moonlit streets.
A strong gust of wind whipped around him, blowing back his long black hair and reveling delicately pointed ears. He shivered and drew his black cloak tighter around himself.
The figure paused and looked up at the moon, its silver light washed over his face, illuminating his handsome features. His lips were thin, delicate, almost feminine. His eyes and eyebrows curved upward very slightly, a reminder of his elf blood.
But the figure did not linger for long; he had a task to complete.
He continued into the broken quarter of the city.
The streets here were darker and filthy. Piles of trash lined them, causing a foul stench to fill the air.
The figure continued on his way until he reached a square, a cracked fountain stood in the middle of it, its water had long since turned black and frozen.
There was the sound of a child crying. The figure looked around; it was one of the many beggars that lined the streets. A young girl wrapped in rags. Her lips were blue and she was shivering.
The figure tore his eyes away from this unpleasant sight as the sound of heavy footsteps approached. He inclined his head slightly to the stranger, who smiled, showing broken black teeth.
"Hassan," the figure hissed, his voice was soft with a slight ascent.
"Nightwolf, it is nice to see you. It would be nicer for you if you brought what I asked." The man smiled again, one of his broken teeth fell out of his mouth.
"I have brought it. But I must know will you keep your side of the deal? Remembering last time; I don't feel I can trust you, Hassan."
"You can trust me," Hassan said still smiling. Nightwolf looked unconvinced but reached into an inside pocket of his cloak and drew out a ruby the size of a child's fist. Hassan's eyes lit up at the sight of it, and he laughed. "Ahh Nightwolf, I'm amazed you didn't sell it, I'll bet its worth a lot more money than we arranged."
"I have no need for such money, and anyway none of the shop keepers would take it, it's supposed to be cursed, remember?"
"Ahh yes, the curse of the Devils Eye." he laughed, it was a horrible sound, like metal scraping against stone. Nightwolf resisted the urge to shudder.
Hassan stretched out his hand "let me have the eye, and I will give you your payment."
Nightwolf arched an eyebrow, "and how do I know you won't kill me after I give it to you?"
Hassan laughed, "We made a deal, I hold to that."
Nightwolf looked doubtful, but stretched out his hand and dropped the Devils Eye into Hassan's filthy palm. He readied himself incase Hassan attacked. Hassan grinned wider showing his five remaining teeth, and held the ruby up to the moon, letting its light shine through it.
"My payment?" Nightwolf said.
Hassan laughed "Ahh yes your payment," he snapped his fingers. Black clad men dropped from the rooftops and surrounded Nightwolf and Hassan.
"You filthy thief," Nightwolf hissed, "We had a deal."
"Do you think I got rich by keeping my deals? This is the payment you deserve."
Nightwolf backed up against the cracked stone fountain, watching the men advance.
Suddenly the frozen water in the fountain shattered into jagged shards, flung themselves at the men and buried themselves deep in the attacker's throats.
Hassan laughed, "A magic using thief, how original!" He dug in his pocket and pulled out a copper coin, "I will pay you for the excellent show, but now I take my leave." He flipped the coin towards Nightwolf. Suddenly there was a flash of fire, and Hassan fell at Nightwolf's feet. Dead.
Nightwolf sighed, "You should have kept our deal." He whispered softly.
He reached into Hassan's inner pocket and pulled out the Devils Eye. Quickly stowing it in his own pocket, Nightwolf searched Hassan for gold, finding only five coins he stood up and looked around.
The six men Hassan had ordered to kill Nightwolf ley next to the fountain, in pools of their own blood.
The shrill cries of a child rent the air, the girl.
Nightwolf strode to where she ley and knelt down, the child stopped crying at once, Quivering in fear. Nightwolf smiled to himself and placed his hand on the child's thin arm, "its okay, I'm not going to hurt you."
"B-but you killed t-those men." She turned her face to him; he put his fingers over his lips to stop himself from gasping, were her pupils should have been black they were milky white. She was blind.
"Yes I killed those men" he said softly. "But I promise I won't hurt you, I want to help you. A child should not be made to live like vermin."
The girl sat up shakily, "Y-you want to help me?"
"Yes, now come let's get you out of the cold." Nightwolf lifted the girl up and wrapped his cloak around her. The girls shivering stopped almost at once, and she nestled herself closer to him.
He smiled as he walked into the shadows.
(note: i know the last line is very cliche but i couldn't think of anything else. and i know i use "the figure" too much.
)