[xYinniex]

I think you should make use of italics to put across his inner thoughts, and manipulated use of sentences and punctuation would help.

oh and use spellcheck. =D

advice: write up a plan first, then draft it up on paper, then put it on word, spell check and then upload it.
if you're really serious about this. =D

You have some pretty cool ideas, not my sorta thing but it's got potential.