[ThirdSight]

I stopped reading after the first page for a lot of reasons. I'm getting all sorts of things from your story: it's a stream of consciousness narrative, meaing that the narration is not only first person, but just their thoughts on the page verbatim; (although here, in this case, verbatim is not the best idea); there's stage direction, which leads me to think that it's either half-playwrite or half-screenwrite; it tends to be highly experimental, which is interesting, but the writing itself leaves much to be desired from the reader, who is expecting to get more out of this piece.

It looks like you let your subconscious flow onto the page, and left it there. That takes a tremendous amount of effort to do, if that's what you did, but you also need to edit later on. This piece can't stand on it's own as is, and needs to be edited throughly. The best way to do it, judging from the piece, is to look at it through the reader's eyes: what are your readers expecting? what do your readers want out of the piece? is it too bland to hold the reader's attention?

Like I said, this piece needs to be edited throughly before I can give a well thought out review of it. And your mum's one smart lady, keep your stuff offline.

And just some food for thought: Christopher Paolini started working on his major novel, Eragon, at the age of 16.