[ThirdSight]

The dialogue is way too real. The story starts off interesting, with an interesting name for the town, and an interesting figure. After that, the dialogue becomes a problem. It's too real, I can imagine myself having a conversation using the same words with a buddy of mine; if that's the case, why would I bother reading your story? You see where this is going.

If you want to keep writing it, do it. If not, then don't. Don't show this to friends and family members, because they'll feel obliged to tell you to keep on truckin' with your creative endevours, knowing absolutly nothing about your reasons behind your pursuit nor how you feel about them, and they won't care for them either. Just ask yourself. If you want to keep writing, do it. It'll either get someplace or nowhere at all, and either place is fine to get to.