Quote:
Originally Posted by kyorochan
Hello 
Thank you for helping me every time!!
Today, I wrote a persuasive essay.
My essay topic is "sodas and high-sugar foods should not be sold in public school vending machines."
Please check my essay!!
I was wondering that I should use "I think" or " I agree with...," but I was not sure, so I did not use them so much.
Thank you
Most students get spending money from their parents to use at school for food purchases. Most often, this means sweet foods and drinks from one of the many vending machines found at schools. These products are convenient and very affordable, but not very nutritous. As a result many younger individuals are seeing increases in the number of cavities, body weight, and broken bones in accidents.
Children have an increased tendency to suffer cavities in their teeth. This is due to almost two quarts of sugar-rich soda being consumed per day. Most of the reason why this situation exist is due to advertising efforts of Coca-Cola. The Coca-Cola company aim is 25% of product consumption per year. To meet this goal, Coca-Cola is increasingly focusing on young children as customers. A soda drink is a very strong acid so a tooth dissolves when soaked in the product in as little as one minute. This results in the creation of a cavity. This negative effect is compounded by the lack of regular brushing activities done by young children.
Obesity is also a growing problem in the United States. Many people believe that the cause of obesity is fast food franchises like McDonald's, but sodas and high-sugar foods in vending machines also play a part. A fruit juice (such as orange juice) is healthier than a soft drink; however, the orange juice is actually also a high-sugar and high-calorie beverage. If a student does not exercise after drinking this kind of beverage, they run the risk of gaining weight. The American Institute of Medicine believes that commercial advertisement of foods low in nutritional value can be directly related to obesity in the young individual demographic, so they lobby strongly for self-imposed control by the market or direct intervention by the U.S. government. In an attempt to combat childhood obesity, University of Chicago agrees that public schools should not sell drinks containing high levels of sugar or dairy products containing high milk fat levels. "Big Eleven Traders" such as McDonald's and Pepsi Company have agreed to stop advertising low-nutrition products to children under the age of 12 years.
Bone fractures caused by the negative effects of consuming sodas and soft drinks is increasing in the past 30 years. According to Journal of Adolescent Health in 1994, 76 girls and 51 boys suffered bone fractures caused by high consumption of soft drinks and other high-calorie beverages. The soft drinks have tripled the occurance of fractures in young girls, and Coca-Cola has quintupled the normal rate. It can be concluded that the bone densities of young girls who drink Coca-Cola are abnormally low. In my middle school and high school, I have personally observed many students in plaster casts due to combinations of high-sugar drinks, little exercise, and small accidents. This effectively demonstrates that Coca-Cola and similiar drinks have adverse effects on bone densities.
Cavities, obesity, and bone fractures caused by consuming sodas and high-sugar foods are increasing in children because of the ease of obtaining them from vending machines located in school. I believe there should be no vending machines located inside schools. |
Lotsa changes. I'm not personally aware of the whole bone density connection though...doesn't seem plausible.