[KyleGoetz]

Introductory notes
1. translation is inexact
2. I did this very fast
3. Not knowing Eris's relationship to the police, we don't know whether to render it as honorific/humble speech or not. I'm assuming this is unnecessary.

Corrections:

First general note: there are no spaces between words in Japanese. You've included spaces like in エリス　ディア. Although, when using a name like this, you can put a ・ between first and last name if you want. No spaces, though.

page 1: Dia should be ディア, not デイア. Note the smaller middle kana in the correct example.

page 2: same correction
also, age 17 requires a 歳 (or 才) after "17" (pronounced "sai")
Civilian isn't "shimin": that is "citizen" try "minkanjin" instead 民間人　みんかんじん
"FUnction" is translated very wrongly—what you've given is something like "I function" or "she functions"—you've used a verb, not a noun). I don't think even the English word "function" here is correct (my "function" is not "student," my "occupation" or "classification" may be, but my function is not). However, if I were to translate "function," I'd probably go with kinou きのう—just get ride of the します
for "unemployed" go with shitsugyouchuu or something しつぎょうちゅう. What you've used means "the unemployed [people]" or "an unemployed person," which is a noun; in English, you've used an adjective so I've tried to stay close to that
After "AB-" you want to add 型
You don't need a hyphen between ディア and さん
"marugoshi" means "without a sword"—I'll defer to a native on the best translation, but maybe 武器, ぶき
note for your english: bedreiging means "threat" not "treat" and the Japanese would be something like kyoui ga nai (threat/menace does not exist)

Praxidicae—how to pronounce this? I can't find it in Wikipedia, but given how we'd pronounce it in English (I'm not going to wade through Ancient Greek phonology), I'd write it as プラクシディカイ (purakushidikai). I don't know where the accent is, though, which affects my katakanization. However, my knowledge of Latin pronunciation of "Caesar" (kai-, not see-) led me to think of the "cae" at the end as "kai" rather than "shii". What you have now sounds like "Prexidekky."

I'm skipping the last panel on page 2 because I don't know how police officer formal-speak sounds, having never had a run-in. But you probably could do away with the "ore wa"—it's unnecessary.

page 3
"you must be eris" = エリスだろう. What you have now is "you are Eris."
how do you know this = どうしっているか <--this is one of those instances where knowing the necessary level of honorific would have been useful
What you have currently is "why do you know"

page 4
i figured = 思ったとおり omotta toori (right now, you have "I understand" or "gotcha")
"welcome home" is okaeri not okairi

"this person is Castor" = こちらこそはカストルだ。 kochira koso wa kasutoru da

I'll be honest. I sort of gave up at this point. Sorry. :/ It's time for me to study for my finals some more.

Good luck, though. I hope you get some more help. And hopefully you'll share the finished product with us! The artwork looks amazing.