I'm going to make a few corrections (I used to be on the editorial board of an academic journal, so I'm pretty anal about grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc.).
Quote:
Most students get spending money from their parents to use at school for food purchases. Most often, this means sweet foods and drinks from one of the many vending machines found at school. These products are convenient and very affordable (removed comma) but not very nutritous. As a result many younger individuals are seeing an increase in the number of cavities, body weight, and broken bones in accidents.
Children have an increased tendency to suffer cavities in their teeth. This is due to almost two quarts of sugar-rich soda being consumed per day. Most of the reason why this situation exists is due to the advertising efforts of Coca-Cola. The Coca-Cola company aim is 25% of product consumption per year. To meet this goal, Coca-Cola is increasingly focusing on young children as customers. A soda drink is a very strong acid so a tooth dissolves when soaked in the product in as little as one minute. (I'm pretty sure this has been debunked by real science, but I could be wrong) This results in the creation of a cavity. This negative effect is compounded by the lack of regular brushing activities done by young children.
Obesity is also a growing problem in the United States. Many people believe that the cause of obesity is fast food franchises like McDonald's, but sodas and high-sugar foods in vending machines also play a part. A fruit juice (such as orange juice) is healthier than a soft drink; however, the orange juice is actually also a high-sugar and high-calorie beverage. If a student does not exercise after drinking this kind of beverage, they run the risk of gaining weight. The American Institute of Medicine believes that commercial advertisement of foods low in nutritional value can be directly related to obesity in the young individual demographic, so they lobby strongly for self-imposed control by the market or direct intervention by the U.S. government. In an attempt to combat childhood obesity, University of Chicago agrees that public schools should not sell drinks containing high levels of sugar or dairy products containing high milk fat levels. "Big Eleven Traders" such as McDonald's and Pepsi Company have agreed to stop advertising low-nutrition products to children under the age of 12 years.
Bone fractures caused by the negative effects of consuming sodas and soft drinks has increased in the past 30 years. According to the Journal of Adolescent Health in 1994 (What is meant by this? Do you mean it was published in 1994? Or do you mean these injuries occurred in 1994? This reads ambiguously.), 76 girls and 51 boys suffered bone fractures caused by high consumption of soft drinks and other high-calorie beverages. The soft drinks have tripled the occurance of fractures in young girls, and Coca-Cola has quintupled the normal rate. It can be concluded that the bone densities of young girls who drink Coca-Cola are abnormally low. In my middle school and high school, I have personally observed many students in plaster casts (I'll be honest, I don't know if anyone says "plaster cast" even though it's correct; I usually just hear "cast") due to combinations of high-sugar drinks, little exercise, and small accidents. This effectively demonstrates that Coca-Cola and similiar drinks have adverse effects on bone densities.
Cavities, obesity, and bone fractures caused by consuming sodas and high-sugar foods are increasing in children because of the ease of obtaining them from vending machines located at school. I believe there should be no vending machines located inside schools.
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A few notes: First, in English, we are typically taught to have our thesis in our opening paragraph. Thus, I'd include some statement in the opening paragraph about "There should be no vending machines located on school grounds."
The use of a comma to connect clauses: When A and B are independent clauses connected by a conjunction C, you use a comma: A, C B (I am well, but I am sad.) When A and B are any other combination of clauses (including a dependent clause) connecte by a conjunction C, you do not use a comma: A C B (I am well but sad).
Excellent usage of hyphens. Most native speakers get this wrong.
Maybe consider "soft drink" or "soda" instead of "soda drink." I've never heard it called "soda drink." But, of course, different regions call the drink differently. In the north, it's "soda [water]." In Texas, we call everything "coke" (Do you want a coke?; Yes. I'll have a Dr. Pepper, please.). In other places, it's "soft drink." But I've never heard of a "soda drink."
Does any other native speaker think "kind" sounds less formal than "type" and thus odd in the phrase "kind of beverage"? If it were me, I'd say "type of beverage" in formal writing and "kind of drink" in informal conversation.
Your grasp of the in/at distinction seems strong, but it's not perfect. There are some difficult-to-explain usage differences. When you say "at school," it sounds like you're at the institution (on school property, in the building, on the field, or just "present for the day," e.g.). When you say "in school," it sounds like you're physically in the building, and you can't use this when talking about standing out on the school's baseball diamond.
I think natives (at least those I've encountered in the US) tend to subconsciously follow this rule: "at BUILDING" is the default usage. "in BUILDING" is used to emphasize that you're inside the building itself, and not maybe outside or something.