Quote:
Originally Posted by manganimefan227
I made sure to edit it a little this time, Tell me what you think!!
|
Try editing a lot. I don't mean this nastily, but your grammar is awful.
Just an example: "someone with red spikey hair that reach his neck with spikey ends with turqouise eyes wearing a tuxedo with shorts instead of pants."
Grammatically, you've actually just described someone with red spiky hair that reaches his neck- his neck has spiky ends, somehow on which reside a bunch of turquoise eyes that are wearing tuxedo tops and shorts, and said 'person' is apparently coming through the door instead of a pair of trousers.
Besides, in story writing it's all about show, not tell. Take away the guff about appearance and symbol gimmicks and the only useful, substantial information about this character is that he is 'Lieutenant of the fire squad'. Who is he really? Why the heck should we pay attention to him or care that he exists? Ditto everyone else in the story so far. It's all a bit bleh and hard to read.
If you really want the story to work, I'd go back to the start again and work on making your characters distinct people rather than cliche anime cut-outs, and flesh it out a bit. Like Sceptilemaster said, your pace is too fast and too disorientating; 500 words per part just isn't really enough to cope with the scope of story you're trying to put across and I'm already muddling people up. Introduce them more slowly and get inside their heads a bit more.
But first, please learn what you're supposed to do with punctuation.