[xzilireight]

I'm an American who spent about 10 years living in Japan as a child.
I went to Japanese school (I was the only foreigner in my entire school), learned the culture and the language, and came back to the U.S. to finish my education.

I hate to sound unhappy/ungrateful (especially when so many sacrifices were made on my behalf and I know I must have caused meiwaku to many people,) but has anyone else left Japan feeling very unhappy?

I bugs me when people say "oh, that must have been such a wonderful experience for you," or "you are so lucky." I didn't go to Japan because I wanted to, I went because my Mother did, and she was responsible for me at the time. I experienced a lot of igime(bullying), my grades sucked because I wasn't suited for the education system, and it was a huge relief to come to America and find that I actually fit in here. I've been in the States for 7 years. I graduated college, and I am now married and very happy.

I usually don't even think about Japan, but lately, I have been filled with feelings of guilt as I remember my time there and learn to evaluate it as an adult. I want to go back to Japan in my own time and see it as a grown up. I am sure that if I could do it, I would see Japan through clearer eyes and learn to love it.

I'm just not sure how else to get over the bad feelings I have for Japan, even though my experience there is so intrinsic to who I am. As of now, I still Love and Hate that Japanese part of me.

Does anyone have any thoughts?