[Tsuwabuki]

Originally Posted by Nyororin

When it comes to apologies, I sort of like the Japanese side. I can apologize for something, and the apology is what matters. I don`t have to worry about going into an explanation of WHY or HOW - that isn`t the point. I`m not defending myself. I think it is something that takes time to get used to, as in the US it seems that an apology has to have an explanation in detail to try to get yourself out of the worst of trouble, deflect some of the blame, etc.

I think this is how the Japanese view American apologies. That explanation is equivocation. There doesn't seem to be an understanding that sometimes there is a desire to explain on behalf of the person apologising, and there doesn't seem to be an understanding that people can lie about being sorry.

In Japan, I can just apologize and that be the end of it. Instead of feeling like I`m being put on trial and requiring a defense, I can apologize and have that apology mean either that I`m personally sorry, that it didn`t have anything to do with me but I`m still sorry it happened... Or anywhere in between and not have to explain that.

Whereas I feel I am not given a chance to defend myself, if necessary. If I empathise, I can say "I'm sorry that happened to you," but this is not the kind of apology I was referring to. I was rather referring to the sort of apologies expected when you have been accused of making a mistake. The Japanese seem to lack an understanding that we often take for granted in the west of "innocent until proven guilty" and I believe that is what causes misunderstanding over the nature of apologies.

Again, this isn't about what is culturally "right" but rather about "feelings." I can't help feeling I'm not being taken seriously when I am expected to simply say "gomen nasai" and move on. Even if I "know" the Japanese do not see it that way, it doesn't change how I "feel."

The seating arrangements are actually wonderful compromises. In general, girls and boys group themselves and do not associate with each other if not pushed to do so. Classroom projects usually involve working with the person next to you... So it is a pretty surefire way of getting girls and boys to actually participate equally and to associate with one another. If the seating pattern is entirely random, with no heed paid to the ratio between boys and girls, there will inevitably be a boy or girl isolated inside a group of the other. This also tends to be stressful. A random seating pattern also tends to lead to a higher probability of close knit friend groups being together and inevitably being talkative when they shouldn`t.

I am aware of this. I actually sat down with one of the Japanese teachers I trusted to not get offended at my discussion and he explained exactly what you explained above. What I'd like to know is how we got to this point. Why is it that girls and boys do not mix as much as my own experiences. What is being taught to young children that makes gender the primary form of self-identification?

This is exactly what I wish to deconstruct.

It really is a fairly decent compromise in my eyes. In school even in the US, the classroom tended to be split in a similar way when seats were set - maybe not in rows, but boy-girl-boy-girl alternations or table groups with an equal number of both. In Japan it more tended to be ordered by last name, and only split by gender when that style ended up with most girls and boys being grouped together.

Huh. Mine weren't at all. Oh, sure, groups of friends would be broken up, but I certainly never saw any attempt to draw undo attention to some inherent difference between boys and girls. If I had, I would have demanded an explanation for it.

I also note that while my group of friends from high school was male heavy, we had (and still do have) a number of female members.

A view from the other side in the US - when I was in school I expressed many times an interest in eventually getting married and having a family.
I have never had any teacher, male or female, be supportive of that. I was always told that it would be wasting my life, that I didn`t *really* want to do that, etc etc etc. The other side isn`t pretty either... When I finally did say I wanted to do something else, it was very easy to discourage me as it was a "dream" pulled out of nowhere to please everyone.

Your teachers would have annoyed me to no end. I believe that getting married and having a family is absolutely fine. In fact, it's a lot harder. If you got paid a salary for being a homemaker, I believe it was calculated at six figures. I've equally argued that stay-at-home Dads are treated without the respect they deserve.

I've been calling to task educators, politicians, administrators, and peers since at least the fifth grade. I just find that in Japan, I cannot be as vocal about it without being seen as being seen exactly like Sashimaster just showed he sees me.

You never know what kind of background your student has - she may be rationalizing the fact that her family simply does not have enough money to send her on to the type of education she would need with "it would be too hard."... Something that was pretty common in my circle of high school friends, both male and female.

No, their issue wasn't that it would be too hard for her, personally, but that it was too hard for women. Any woman. My Japanese is far from perfect, but I was flabbergasted enough to spend time clarifying just what I heard to make sure that my "righteous indignation" was justified. She may have misunderstood them, that is a possibility, but what she told me was that her parents didn't believe woman were cut out to be TV producers. She may also have been lying through her teeth, but I haven't any reason to doubt her.

Food is all down to taste.

Actually neither of those have anything to do with taste, or ingredients. Natto bothers me because of how it feels. I eat plenty of fish. I just don't like things staring at me. Unfortunately, it is a lot harder for me to avoid in Japan than in other countries, because the school provides my lunch for me.

The roads... Well, I learned to drive in Japan, on Japanese roads. I find them normal and am pretty comfortable driving down those tiny urban and rural roads where it`s barely wider than the car.
I now find US roads terrifying, and the driving style absolutely violent... I suppose it all has to do with where you`re coming from and what you`re accustomed to.

I don't like driving in the US either, but for very different reasons. In this case I was specifically talking about the roads. I am certain I am going to end up in a gutter or scraping the side of another car eventually. I've also been in an accident in Japan- I was hit by a truck. I haven't had a car accident in the United States for several years. I am sure that adds to my skittishness that Japanese roads are too small to give adequate room to drive on.

No one is limited to tiny fans in summer - buy an air conditioner. A lack of central air is not a lack of A/C.

I have an air conditioner in my apartment. But there is no A/C in the buildings I work in. School and city office only have fans. Air conditioners are too cost intensive. Instead, we get cool biz where we take off ties and wear short sleeved shirts. And it matters not all.

But even putting an aircon in each classroom or office would not do the job of central cooling. I've been in both environments and central cooling is definitely nicer. Terribly expensive, but nicer.

It think the easiest to come up with would be the fake interest in my life (well, the interest is real I assume, but the reasons behind it are falsified) people seem to have. It seems that everyone wants to be my friend and visit my house, but not really out of a gesture of friendship but because it`s cool to have a non-Japanese friend and I`m convenient being as I speak Japanese... And who doesn`t want to see a real foreigner`s house?!?

And that's why I have like... three Japanese friends. It can be hard to tell who likes you for you and who just wants non-Japanese friend coolness points. I'm a person, not an accessory. Go buy an LV purse in Shinsaibashi.

Another would be the assumption that everyone is inherently peaceful and naive... And how any view opposite this is sort of glossed over.

Which is why I rarely discuss the opposite view (which is what I hold) with the Japanese. The view I often hear is "Let's just stop joining militaries, then war would stop!" As if we could convince extremist military groups, terrorists, rebel paramilitary organisations, etc to just give up because the "developed" countries disbanded their armed forces. Your husband is absolutely correct.