[Nyororin]

Originally Posted by Tsuwabuki

There doesn't seem to be an understanding that sometimes there is a desire to explain on behalf of the person apologising, and there doesn't seem to be an understanding that people can lie about being sorry.

There is plenty of understanding that people can lie about being sorry. It`s not that apologizing is taken at face value to be sincere, but the fact that the person is apologizing at all - even if it`s an empty only-out-of-obligation apology and you have no plans whatsoever to change the way you do things - is what matters. Because the apology marks The End of the argument, the person upset is not supposed to remain upset. Sincerity is nice, but isn`t necessary. The apology is a convenient way of ending the conflict, and both sides know this. Instead of leaving the door open to make things worse, the apology is a firm stamp marking the end and letting people get on with their lives.

Again, this isn't about what is culturally "right" but rather about "feelings."

I know, and I was really just stating that I felt the other way really. I like the apology being the end-all, and being very good at explaining my way out of things it sort of forces me to be more responsible in the end as there isn`t really a way out.

This is exactly what I wish to deconstruct.

I don`t really think this is a Japan thing though... Girls tend to have more girl friends, and boys more boy friends. I haven`t seen any real difference in the mixing in Japan as compared to my experience in the US - In fact, when it comes to out of school mixing, I`d say that there seems to actually be more casual events with both genders than not. I don`t really think that back when I was in high school in the US that it was the norm for a girl to just call up a guy from school and suggest that they go out somewhere when there was no sort of attraction between the two of them... But in Japan it was and still does seem to be pretty normal. Up until high school you can spot girls and boys playing together and talking pretty equally - something that would have without a doubt shot straight to "who likes who" back in my US schooling years. But in Japan that doesn`t come into play really until high school, which may be emphasizing the line between the boys and girls.

If I had, I would have demanded an explanation for it.

There was a call for explanation if it WASN`T split up this way. Why does so-and-so get to sit by all the cute girls? Why does she get to be by all the popular guys?!? Etc.

I also note that while my group of friends from high school was male heavy, we had (and still do have) a number of female members.

Mine was pretty male heavy... I was that one girl in the guy group. But in Japan has always been pretty balanced - at least during school. As did the friend groups of most people around. In high school there is who has a crush on who pressure, so inside school itself there is a bit of tension though.

Your teachers would have annoyed me to no end. I believe that getting married and having a family is absolutely fine. In fact, it's a lot harder. If you got paid a salary for being a homemaker, I believe it was calculated at six figures. I've equally argued that stay-at-home Dads are treated without the respect they deserve.

Having both worked and been stay-at-home... I will say unequivocally that staying at home is considerably easier, and I would not consider paying myself a six figure salary by any stretch. The only thing "harder" is that you have to manage yourself, and therefore need to have a higher level of personal responsibility than you would in a supervised workplace. You have only yourself to answer to.

I`m sure this is just me, but I still sort of see the stay-at-home life as one of relative glamor. I certainly don`t sit around on the sofa eating bon-bons and watching soap operas, but I`m also not under much pressure that I`m aware of. And this is with a child who has disabilities... Sort of drives me crazy to see what I consider a normal level of personal responsibility in taking care of yourself put up on a pedestal as some amazingly difficult task - and actually feel it a bit degrading, as if I`m being falsely praised for something simple. "Oh yes, it`s such an important job! You should be paid tons for doing so much!" - for what really amounts to cleaning up after myself and making my own food. (With a kid stuck on the side there.) Kind of like overly praising a little kid for being so amazing in putting their own pants on or the like.

I've been calling to task educators, politicians, administrators, and peers since at least the fifth grade. I just find that in Japan, I cannot be as vocal about it without being seen as being seen exactly like Sashimaster just showed he sees me.

That made me raise my eyebrows a bit as what you wrote wasn`t really particularly "hate" filled at all, and you were pretty clear that it was an issue of how you personally felt about things.

No, their issue wasn't that it would be too hard for her, personally, but that it was too hard for women. Any woman.

Oh, no, I didn`t mean to imply that her parents had said something different or that she was lying. But rather that she may be accepting of that sort of thing for underlying reasons that aren`t clear - like not having enough money anyway. "Too hard for women" "men aren`t cut out for that kind of work" "it`s not a woman`s job", etc, often seem to be parroted when there is another reason lurking in the background. It isn`t personally disparaging - it may not be too hard for her personally - but it`s a way out of being pushed to "Well, if you work all your free time you can probably afford college!" or even having to admit that there are other issues to begin with.
My own husband used a "well, they don`t seem to be many openings for men these days anyway..." as a way of rationalizing when he couldn`t afford a certain certification and didn`t have parental support for it... And I have used the "Well, it would be a hard career for a woman to enter" when my "come up with something you want to be other than a wife and mother" path didn`t seem to be too viable.

Or her parents could just feel that way and could have raised her to feel that it is true.
Either way though, I think it`s best not to assume that it`s as simple as it appears under any circumstances.

I am certain I am going to end up in a gutter or scraping the side of another car eventually. I've also been in an accident in Japan- I was hit by a truck. I haven't had a car accident in the United States for several years. I am sure that adds to my skittishness that Japanese roads are too small to give adequate room to drive on.

I think that you may need to be a bit more aware of further ahead on the road when it is a narrow one, but I don`t really think they`re too small for driving. At least roads that are actually frequented - there are plenty of agriculture roads that aren`t intended to be used as actual roads between fields and the like that are pretty tight.
I`ve never been in an accident in Japan, and have never scraped my car even on tiny roads. I have been scraped in a parking lot though - but that has nothing to do with roads.

But even putting an aircon in each classroom or office would not do the job of central cooling. I've been in both environments and central cooling is definitely nicer. Terribly expensive, but nicer.

Nicer, no doubt, but would kill a school with the cost. I know someone who put in central air thinking it was the greatest thing ever... And now they never turn it on. Apparently to cool their tiny house it ended up being 200,000yen for one month in early summer.
One month. Only on during about half the day when people were at home.
Their house is something like 100m2...
I don`t even want top think about what it would cost to cool an entire school.

And that's why I have like... three Japanese friends. It can be hard to tell who likes you for you and who just wants non-Japanese friend coolness points.

I have more Japanese friends than not, but no one is welcome in my house for a very long time. And I`m much much better at detecting any silly reasons for being friendly now than I was 8+ years ago when it really annoyed me.0

Which is why I rarely discuss the opposite view (which is what I hold) with the Japanese. The view I often hear is "Let's just stop joining militaries, then war would stop!" As if we could convince extremist military groups, terrorists, rebel paramilitary organisations, etc to just give up because the "developed" countries disbanded their armed forces. Your husband is absolutely correct.

I have found that the other view is pretty normal and definitely there. It`s the presentation of it not existing that irks me. I see a lot more "war is inevitable - that isn`t reason for us to get involved" than "we should all be peaceful and happy! Love will bring world peace!" But you would think by the way media presents things that only the naive childish one exists.
If that were really the case, I`d just take it in stride... But I`d say my husband`s view is more common than the other. That`s part of why he was most upset about being quoted in that way - everyone else would think he was childishly naive.
I think there exists a view of "This is what the world expects!" so it becomes the "official" view presented - particularly to the outside of Japan.