[Nyororin]

Originally Posted by Tsuwabuki

Right, and that is indeed the difference. I do care. And the first question I would ask if someone said, "I'm sorry. I was late, it won't happen again" would be "Well, WHY are you late?" and the second question I would ask would be "What is your plan to fix it?" If I don't like the answers, then I will have to counsel this individual. If I do like the answer, that's the end of it.

Having my explanation judged would, quite honestly, be the most upsetting thing to me. As no two people share the same lives, what might be a perfectly acceptable answer for one person may not be for another.

For example, if I apologize and then are asked "Why?" I would give a basic answer - I overslept, it was transportation related, etc, and apologize again. I`m not going to go into why I overslept, or what exactly happened with the transportation. I would never give an extended explanation as even if it isn`t looked at as an excuse, it still seems far too "personal". (I am assuming that these are all business / professional situations - not between friends as that is a totally different thing.) I would feel like I`m making the assumption that the other party cares or should care about my personal life and issues, which seems far too "friendly" for anything professional.

What, by the way, would you consider a good answer? An elaborate detailed one? Something that is a "good story"? I ask this because the main reasons for me ever being late is generally not considered a "good" excuse. But for me personally it is probably the best and most understandable one. Personal bias is going to pop up when judging these answers. I know I wouldn`t really take "there was an accident so more traffic than I had expected" to be a good excuse - you should always leave early enough that a bit of traffic won`t make you late. But for me, this is the main reason I am late for anything.

I live on the other side of a main bridge (the only bridge for a distance) that I have to cross for 90% of the appointments I have. If there is an accident or something happening on the bridge like the retrieval of a suicide from the river below... Traffic stops and can stay stopped for hours. Heading to the next closest bridge is hopeless as in addition to it`s regular traffic it has all the extra from my bridge, so stops as well. I do have a back up plan for when this happens (at least if I`m not already on the bridge when things stop) - but it involves turning around and taking the expressway which is a very out of the way trip and inevitably makes me late or close to it.
To me, saying that there was an accident on or on the other side of the bridge is a very valid excuse for being late. But to someone who doesn`t know that I live where I live, and who doesn`t know my back up plan and the fact that I do leave with plenty of time to spare just to be safe in such situation... Is not going to be impressed with that "excuse" for being 5 minutes late.

And I do not want to have to give someone my whole life outline just to get "forgiveness" for a single case of a 5~10 minute delay. I would be insulted to be asked to explain that far, and doubly insulted if I did tell someone why and they counseled me on it.

From the other side, it's a golden rule thing. I treat others how I wish to be treated. Or actually, more accurately, I expect to be treated how I treat others. If I report an apology like the one above, and am told I'm making excuses and shifting blame, I become deeply offended. Did I not clearly say "This is my fault" and not lay it on anyone else? Inferences that what I said are "overkill" and "excuses" is a perception that entirely ignores my intent.

The same here for the golden rule - I don`t know what would be a valid reason in someone else`s life. They don`t know what is a valid reason in mine. I don`t want to need to know that in a professional relationship, and I don`t want to burden someone else with that knowledge.

You interrupt me, halfway through, and tell me I'm making excuses, I am going to be pretty upset. I may, if I make a future mistake, tell you "I'm sorry, it won't happen again" and leave it at that, but I guarantee I won't mean it as much as I did in my above apology. I also probably won't trust you again.

I certainly wouldn`t interrupt, and probably wouldn`t even comment on the situation. But in my mind, I am going to see someone who gives that long and detailed an excuse in a fairly negative light. It doesn`t matter the tone or the meaning behind it - for all I know they could be lying like crazy about the reason. All I really care is that they acknowledge that they are in the wrong and that they aren`t going to let it happen again.
If the reason is that they were completely stupid in managing their time, forgot about the appointment, were doing something very private, etc... All I am doing by making them explain is pushing them to come up with a good lie. (I seriously doubt they`re going to be honest and admit something embarrassing...) Again, everyone makes mistakes and has secrets so judging them on a single event is unfair.

Just wanting an apology, and wanting them to not do it again is what I would consider kindness on my part.

This has gone pretty far off from the original topic, but I think it`s a really interesting subject and am really enjoying the discussion so was going to split it off into another thread about apologies, but as there are so many posts covering apologies and other topics... It is a bit hard to pull off.