[Tsuwabuki]

Originally Posted by Nyororin

Having my explanation judged would, quite honestly, be the most upsetting thing to me. As no two people share the same lives, what might be a perfectly acceptable answer for one person may not be for another.

Perhaps I wasn't entirely clear what I meant by "like." That sounds a bit too much like it's up to my personal whim. I'll try to explain below.

For example, if I apologize and then are asked "Why?" I would give a basic answer - I overslept, it was transportation related, etc, and apologize again. I`m not going to go into why I overslept, or what exactly happened with the transportation. I would never give an extended explanation as even if it isn`t looked at as an excuse, it still seems far too "personal". (I am assuming that these are all business / professional situations - not between friends as that is a totally different thing.) I would feel like I`m making the assumption that the other party cares or should care about my personal life and issues, which seems far too "friendly" for anything professional.

These are professional settings, yes. And this may be the crux of the issue right here. Yes! It does show I care! And that's the point. As a manager I want my people to know that I care about the reasons for their mistakes. That I am willing to understand the circumstances behind them. I also wish to make sure they themselves understand the reasons so that if they haven't already created a plan to avoid making a mistake in the future, we can work together to create a plan that does so. We're a team, and I would be a horrible manager if I didn't take care of my people.

Likewise, if a manager shows absolutely zero interest in anything beyond an "I'm sorry, I won't do it again," then just as you or MissMisa would question my sincerity based on my phrasing, I would question how much the manager cares about me as a person or how committed he or she is to building a team. Even if I recognise that my assumption may not indicate the manager's intent, I am much less likely to go to him or her for help in the future, and more likely to play "cover-my-arse" when I do make a mistake. A refusal to hear me out in full, when I am doing my best to be sincere, breeds resentment.

I learned a lot of my managerial skills dealing with adolescents, and then later, with sailors and midshipmen in the US Navy. Now, I am a teacher. I take my responsibilities seriously in all my jobs, and when my people make mistakes, it is my duty and obligation to to know what's going on behind those mistakes and help me people deal with them as best I can. Mitigating circumstances can cause mistakes to be made more frequently. Certain factors can be introduced that can make a person more liable to make mistakes. Is this person not at fault? Of course not. Personal responsibility is of paramount importance. And I am not suggesting it is my duty to do my subordinates jobs for them. It is my duty to make sure they have tools to do their jobs. A repeated failure of my crew, my sailors, or my students is as much my fault as theirs.

What, by the way, would you consider a good answer? An elaborate detailed one? Something that is a "good story"? I ask this because the main reasons for me ever being late is generally not considered a "good" excuse. But for me personally it is probably the best and most understandable one. Personal bias is going to pop up when judging these answers. I know I wouldn`t really take "there was an accident so more traffic than I had expected" to be a good excuse - you should always leave early enough that a bit of traffic won`t make you late. But for me, this is the main reason I am late for anything.

A good answer is the truth. A better answer is the truth with a plan of action. A bad answer is a lie.

To me, saying that there was an accident on or on the other side of the bridge is a very valid excuse for being late. But to someone who doesn`t know that I live where I live, and who doesn`t know my back up plan and the fact that I do leave with plenty of time to spare just to be safe in such situation... Is not going to be impressed with that "excuse" for being 5 minutes late.

If it's the truth, and if you have a plan for avoiding this in the future, then it's more than valid. I will accept it at face value, until you show me you are making this a pattern, that you are not following through with your plan of action, and can no longer be trusted.

And I do not want to have to give someone my whole life outline just to get "forgiveness" for a single case of a 5~10 minute delay. I would be insulted to be asked to explain that far, and doubly insulted if I did tell someone why and they counseled me on it.

Forgiveness is a bit too much of a religious term for me. "Apology accepted" is as far as I would go. You would only be counseled if you lied. That's all I meant by an answer I wouldn't like. If a student or a sailor lies to me, they're getting counseled. I can usually tell.

The same here for the golden rule - I don`t know what would be a valid reason in someone else`s life. They don`t know what is a valid reason in mine. I don`t want to need to know that in a professional relationship, and I don`t want to burden someone else with that knowledge.

The truth is valid. A lie is not. An earnest and truthful, "I can't talk about it, it's personal" is fine. If it becomes a repeat answer, then we're going to have to go into details if you want me to try to help you out and be understanding about an ongoing issue.

I certainly wouldn`t interrupt, and probably wouldn`t even comment on the situation. But in my mind, I am going to see someone who gives that long and detailed an excuse in a fairly negative light. It doesn`t matter the tone or the meaning behind it - for all I know they could be lying like crazy about the reason. All I really care is that they acknowledge that they are in the wrong and that they aren`t going to let it happen again.

I don't see why. Shouldn't you give the person the benefit of the doubt? Don't they deserve to be taken at their word until a pattern occurs? How would you suggest to help them if you don't know how they made the error in the first place?

If the reason is that they were completely stupid in managing their time, forgot about the appointment, were doing something very private, etc... All I am doing by making them explain is pushing them to come up with a good lie. (I seriously doubt they`re going to be honest and admit something embarrassing...) Again, everyone makes mistakes and has secrets so judging them on a single event is unfair.

Really? I admit embarrassing things all the time when I make a mistake. I believe it to be the right thing to do. I do not lie. Just the other day I screwed up and admitted, "I read the wrong line on the schedule. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I'm color coding my calendar to make sure it doesn't." To me that was the perfect apology. Sincere, with a reason, and a plan of action. And it took all of five seconds to say aloud. If someone turned around said, "I don't care why, and I don't care about your plan to fix it," I would be shocked and offended. Clearly this guy doesn't think of me as a person, I might as well be a machine.

Just wanting an apology, and wanting them to not do it again is what I would consider kindness on my part.

I'm not sure I understand this. Kindness is done without obligation. An apology, both sides, indicates some sort of act that requires one. I'm not sure I would see an apology as kindness, but rather as mandatory.