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Originally Posted by masaegu
There is very little Japanese-ness in this letter naturally as you translated directly from another language. At the same time, though, I don't see any point in "correcting" it to make it sound like it was written by a Japanese girl.
He would only find that corrected letter funny because he is the one who knows exactly what your Japanese is like at the moment.
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Yeah, that's for the most part what I was thinking. I know it's rather right-to-the-point, even for me, but he and I have been together for a while now. He is the one who is always pouring his heart out to me, telling me kind eloquent words, and leaving me completely speechless. I've never been with a person that cared so much about me, and I wish I could tell him. Besides, I want to express how I feel in my own words, not using some phrases I looked up in
Making out in Japanese. Being that I did not grow up in Japan, and don't eavesdrop on my female Japanese friends while they're talking to their boyfriends, I have no idea what sort of "Japanese-ness" is used in this sort of situation anyway.
As I said in the original post, I mostly wanted to find out if it was intelligible or not. This is because matters of the heart are something I don't feel confident discussing in my native tongue sometimes, much less my second.
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Unlike what you appear to think, it isn't even sentence #3 that strikes me, a Japanese-speaker, as "strange". It's your over-use of あなた's and よ's, especially the former.
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Yes, I agree. The original used 50% his name and 50% あなた. I just changed them all to あなた for this thread because I don't want to use our real names anywhere. Is あなた an inappropriate pronoun in this situation or was it just my overuse that struck you as strange?
As for よ that's an easy fix. I'll just take them out.
Thank you for your help!