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Originally Posted by Setsubun
As I said in the original post, I mostly wanted to find out if it was intelligible or not. This is because matters of the heart are something I don't feel confident discussing in my native tongue sometimes, much less my second.
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Let's just focus on the intelligibleness for now, then. Remember I will be making more corrections than I would really like to. Honestly, how intelligible the letter looks to him would for a large part depend on how familiar he is with English.
入ても ＞ いても mistake
あなたについて思っ てる ＞ あなたのことを思ってる better word choice
一年の前に ＞ １年前 mistake
盗んでよかったよ ＞ 盗んでくれてよかった mistake
今年の１２ヶ月 ＞ この１年 better phrase choice. "12 months" is rarely said here.
好きだと ＞ 好きだし mistake
でもその前に ＞ それまでは mistake
織姫だ ＞ 織姫でいるわ better phrase + tense
あいしてる ＞ 愛してる looks better this way
Quote:
Yes, I agree. The original used 50% his name and 50% あなた. I just changed them all to あなた for this thread because I don't want to use our real names anywhere. Is あなた an inappropriate pronoun in this situation or was it just my overuse that struck you as strange?
As for よ that's an easy fix. I'll just take them out.
Thank you for your help!
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あなた is OK because this is a love letter but like you said, it would sound much better if you replaced about a third of them with the guy's name or nickname that you always address him with
and delete another third without any replacement.
I would delete at least one of the よ's. The first one for sure and maybe the second as well.