[Nyororin]

Originally Posted by RealJames

That is both good and bad, the good reasons I just clearly stated, the bad is that it can be very difficult to get the truth.

I think the biggest cultural difference is that you feel the need to get the truth on this kind of thing.

but
If I'm going to have a party next month, and I mention it to a friend, and the friend says something like "I'll try to open up my schedule to attend!" and I fully know he has no intentions of attending because he's scared shitless of being in a situation where he has to speak English with new people, and I know he's not going to come. That to me is just...

To me, this feels like the same kind of thing. He doesn`t want to outright say that he doesn`t want to go. You`ve been kind enough to invite him. You know how he will feel about it (the fear you speak of) and have extended your invitation. To me, it would read as a completely "friendly" exchange. His view: You know he won`t come, but extend the invitation because he is a friend and it would be impolite not to. He replies with a polite response that shows he appreciates the offer, without saying anything offensive about not wanting to go.

If a friend of mine who is always ultra busy, and impossible to make plans with, says something like "hey call me anytime, I'm just bored doing nothing, we can hang out." instead of just saying "man I'm sorry my schedule is so packed, that's life in Japan I guess, you know I wanna hang out but I just can't anytime soon... but I will send a message if something frees up!" (if the last part is true). To me that kind of tatemae is just irritating.

I guess I just can`t see the problem with this...? He does want to hang out. You have your own schedule. Call anytime and hopefully there will be a way to fit meeting up into both of your schedules. If one of you doesn`t push - you, in this case as you`re less busy - then nothing can start.

That's seikakuwarui yeah? I was told it basically means being mean, or inconsiderate, generally intentionally. I was also told it takes a lot to be called that, and that people like that can't really have/keep any friends.

If you look into what exactly 性格悪い people do to be mean and inconsiderate - I`d say most of it involves being honest (in a very straight way) even when it isn`t what the other person wants to hear. A good example would be asking someone their opinion on clothes that look awful on you. "It looks good, but I really think that something else would make you look even nicer." is OK. "It looks awful. You should wear something that looks better on you." is BAD. Replying to an invitation with "I`ll try to open that day!" is fine. "Thanks, but I really don`t like parties." is not.
Straight and/or sarcastic are bad personality traits.

But maybe the first few examples are kimochiwarui-hiku, yeah?

Can you give me your versions of these?

Think of it literally like taking a bit of a step back. Being too direct, even when obvious, can make people sort of "pull away" from you.

Basically, if a friend started being direct - I would read it as the friendship being over. They no longer give a crap about maintaining a relationship. If they did intend to keep the friendship going but were being direct - it`s 性格悪い.

Nyororin, with your closest friend, have you ever felt an inability to open up to, or be shown their true colors, due to cultural limitations?

Not really. I have always found everyone to be pretty open *if the steps of friendship have been followed*. Sometimes people are almost TOO open once you are past a certain point. I have been involved in conversations that are flat out uncomfortable, but I was clearly the only one involved who felt that way. I mean things that feel like they shouldn`t be shared with ANYONE were tossed out like it was nothing.

How about with regular friends?

I don`t really feel a desire to have deep private conversations with close acquaintances, so can`t really say. Asking private things of someone at that level of friendship would be really cringe worthy to begin with. (I would expect them to 引く) :P