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Originally Posted by masaegu
I have read your translation and I really want to commend you for your fine job. It has enabled me to understand the lyrics on a higher level though this may sound strange to you.
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Thank you. Actually it's not that strange, as I have been thinking about this as well. In my translations I have to add things like subjects and objects of sentences. I need to make things sufficiently clear to non-Japanese speakers so that they can understand the story. They're already experiencing some sense of confusion by hearing a language they do not understand. Metaphors like 赤い糸 that they will never be able to figure out have to be clarified, so for me this is a normal part of translation. The reader has less options to consider so it is easier for them to use their brain to connect the dots and make sense of the story instead of wondering what every line is really talking about. When I remove some of the mystery behind the lyrics, it allows you to notice new things. I think this is what happened to you.
You're the first Japanese person to actually say this though, and I'm glad you did. From English speakers sometimes I get things like, "Wow, I really liked this song before, but now that I understand it, I absolutely love it!" (I had another Youtube channel with about 15 translated videos before, but it was taken down by Sony.) Seeing these kinds of reactions is part of what makes doing these translations rewarding for me.
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Regarding 「不愉快な笑みを」 , either adjective you mentioned would work. The one I had in mind was "displeasing". I agree with you on the big lie part. Another thing I noticed and thought to tell you is that 「人」 is very often used to mean "men" or "women", instead of "people", in song lyrics.
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So you think that by writing かわいい人 she meant "cute girls?" Why would she have used 人 and not 女?
I'm starting to think that 短い嘘を繋げ 赤いものに替えて means something like "Little lies were replacing our connection to each other." What do you think?
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Last thing I want to mention although I can be wrong is about the airport that appears towards the end. Until now, I had always thought it was referring to the airport in Fukuoka. I am almost convinced now that it would be Tokyo. According to Wiki, Shiina goes to England in 1997. I feel it would make more sense if she was talking about going REALLY far away from her right town and right guy.
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What you say about the airport seems to kind of agree with this paragraph I found from the analysis
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殆ど必然的のような訪れる破局。都会に出た主人公に徐 々にわかってくるのは、「都会では冬の匂いも正しくな い」という、理念よりももっともっと根源的で生理的で 動物的で素朴な感覚のズレ。でも、それが分かってもも う今更どうしようもない。イキオイがついたまま更に突 っ走って海外にでもいくのでしょう。本当は今でも好き な、そして確かに愛してくれているだろう彼に、せめて 最後だけでも空港で会いたい。だけど、どの面さげてそ んなこと言えるかという。そのせめぎあい。この曲のリ アルタイムは日本の最後の夜。明日になれば大きな崖か ら飛び降り、さらに取り返しのつかない遠くにいってし まうという夜。ある意味では死刑執行前夜のような崖っ ぷちでの反芻と煩悶。（これ、「空港」というのが国内 線かもしれないけど、文脈上それは無いでしょう）。
I don't get those last lines of the paragraph. It says something about the last night and jumping off a cliff. What's that about? It seems important but I don't quite understand it.
Another person translated 明日の空港に 最後でも来てなんてとても云えない as "I know I can’t tell you to take me to the airport tomorrow even for the last time." Does this sound right to you? It seems to be if the airport is all the way in Tokyo. It doesn't make sense that they should go all the way to Tokyo separately.
I think I'm really close to the final version of this translation. Hopefully it will be finished within the next 24 hours. I'm talking to other people about it, but if you can respond to this message, it could speed up the process, and result in a better translation. I made a lot of subtle changes to the translation in the video that I showed you before, and the new version can be seen here:
YouTube - ‪Shiina Ringo - Tadashii Machi / "The Right Town" (subtitled) 【HD】‬‏