Personal Essay

[darksyndrem]

I'm currently writing a personal essay for an application to an arts school. The application is due Monday. It has to be 500-1000 words, and the topic reads: "Hannah Arendt claims, 'For true greatness the presence of others is required." Write an essay about how individual accomplishment depends on some sense of other people. You might define 'greatness' in a variety of ways, and you should feel free to consider real or imagined 'others' in your response." I'm 4 paragraphs into it (645 words), and I believe I'm coming to an end. At least, I hope so, because it's due in two days.

I wanted to get your opinion of what I have now, and where you think I should go next or how I should conclude this. Here is what I have now:

"True greatness and individual accomplishment are nothing short of absolute perfection. Perfection, requiring willpower and endurance of the mind, shows a power and a freedom that some have never dreamt of, and few believe they will ever achieve such great heights. This is due to a number of things, including unbelief, faithlessness, and most importantly, negligence. For one cannot achieve excellence, if he were to simply stand and gawk upon his inabilities, overlooking and underestimating passive potential. True greatness requires an intimate passion and desire.

Though true greatness depends upon belief and passion, there is still something that is required most of all, and that is people. Though it cannot be said that one requisite is more important than another, perfection will not be acquired without the presence of others. There are many levels of this: one cannot learn a skill or craft, such as blacksmithing, without a master to teach an apprentice how, where, and when to hit the metal, or more importantly, someone to make a forge and anvil. A pianist cannot be taught the art, unless someone was there to build a piano, or to tune it. However, this is merely one example of the complex adaptive system that has lead to technological advances in humanity, and does not even begin to show the depth of this necessity of people. People are likely the most important component to growing, not physically but mentally and emotionally. They are the components by which we grow stronger in that we are able to seek out and find greatness in its most intimate form.

This interpretation of greatness is not easily found. there is no doubt that some believe it can only be given by a god or some sort of higher power (which I would agree with to an extent, in the sense that a god can give opportunities to obtain this level of greatness; it can then be taken or rejected by an individual), but either way, this beauty of perfection seems not to fall in many people's lives. Aside from the lack of opportunity that is given, this intimate form of greatness has yet to be described. This greatness is better defined as a wholeness that carries a sense of absolute peace. It is flawlessness, not necessarily within an action, but rather choices that must be made. It is what I long for most of all. It is the hope that one day; I may reach this inexplicable height and never fall back into flaws.

However, there is not only a common and literal sense of the need of people or this intimate sense of greatness. There is also something in between these two extremes. Instead of finding greatness within people, or requiring people as a resource to achieve greatness, there is a level in which people are an outside force that affects our own abilities. Johannes Sebastian Bach, an accomplished composer of the Baroque, had two brothers who were both composers. But while all three siblings shared this ability, Bach was the one who was well renowned in his time, and even in our time, 300 years later. What separated Bach from his brothers? It could have been that he was simply more fortunate than the other two; however it is much more likely to have been that he not only composed pieces for royalty, but he did so under pressure. these people may have been supervising over his work, assuring themselves that Bach completed his tasks in a timely manner. This pressure was a sense of other people in his life, and in this sense, it is possible that he was able to find greatness and achieve perfection in his compositions. His being pressed is often interpreted as only a frustration and cause of stress in his life, although it brought him to be more than an exceptional artist."

That's all I have right now, and I'm considering leaving it to one more paragraph to conclude.

NOTE: This is philosophical and I have briefly mentioned god; however, I do not mean for this to be a discussion for religion or god at all. I am asking for nothing that requires that sort of discussion. If any mod feels that the conversation within these posts are unnecessary, according to the forum rules, please notify me before anything is deleted.

[darksyndrem]

I have been working on this since I posted this topic, and have come up with a few words for a conclusion. I've no doubt it needs work, but let me know what you think.

"As it was stated before, many things may be required to achieve greatness, but it is certainly people that is needed most of all. This is a requisite for greatness. Though it is not always hard to obtain, it can be, at times, nearly impossible. This depends on how deep the necessity may be. I have stated three levels of the requirements of people; a literal sense that may even be considered common logic, an entirely philosophical sense that is not necessarily believed by many people, and a sense that can be found in between the two. It is certain that this necessity is quite diverse. And I do believe it is the thought that people are to help us grow in maturity and strength that is most valuable. It is, indeed, something that I wish to value more than everything I know. This is what I long for within my journey as a person, and as an artist."

I think there may be quite a few grammatical errors, and possible a small repetition of words. I am looking for constructive criticism though, so if you want to point something out as far as the repetition of words, or something similar, try to give a suggestion if you can.

[Ryzorian]

If greatness depends on the "perception" of others, would not "greatness" be nothing more than someone's opion? If that is the case, why would people atempt to do "great things" when no one is around? Can "great things" even be done if no one else is available to percieve them?

Would a star in the heavens shine any less greatly if no human were to ever see it? It seems arrogant in a way, to assume greatness can only be achieved if others are around to witness it. To me anyway. Hope that helps.

[darksyndrem]

Originally Posted by Ryzorian

If greatness depends on the "perception" of others, would not "greatness" be nothing more than someone's opion? If that is the case, why would people atempt to do "great things" when no one is around? Can "great things" even be done if no one else is available to percieve them?

Would a star in the heavens shine any less greatly if no human were to ever see it? It seems arrogant in a way, to assume greatness can only be achieved if others are around to witness it. To me anyway. Hope that helps.

Well no offense, but it doesn't help at all. Aside from that, what you said makes sense, but it's not the perception of others that's needed, it's their presence. I don't believe I said anything about people's perception.

[manganimefan227]

Still even if no one is around to witness it you can still plant a tree while no one is around and grow a tree to help the Earth . . .Does that help?

[Sangetsu]

"Greatness" is a relative term. What is great to some may be trivial to others. I don't agree that greatness requires the "presence of others". "Participation of others" or "interaction with others" would likely be better phrases.

"Absolute perfection" does not exist, and, even if it did, it would be less relevant than the effort taken to achieve it. Greatness is more likely the result of "striving for perfection" than actually achieving it.

Lastly, greatness can come accidentally, and simply be the result of doing the right thing in the right place at the right time. All people are not equal, some possess an innate ability or talent allows them excel with only moderate effort.

Greatness, like happiness, is not something which exists outside ourselves. It could be argued that the presence of others is necessary to achieve greatness, but it's just as likely that the opposite is true, that the presence of others confounds our efforts to be great.

This greatness is better defined as a wholeness that carries a sense of absolute peace. It is flawlessness, not necessarily within an action, but rather choices that must be made. It is what I long for most of all. It is the hope that one day; I may reach this inexplicable height and never fall back into flaws.

It sounds like you are trying to explain enlightenment, which for most people is a very difficult road to follow. Most have to follow the road to the end before realizing that what they were looking for was back at the start all along. Flawlessness could not exist without flaw, which means that flaws are in fact flawless, right? Enlightenment isn't the mastering of an art, or the result of a life's work. Enlightenment is simply truth, which is one of the most difficult principles for people to understand, let alone exercise.

I understand what you are trying to say (despite your dense style of writing), but I thought I'd give you a little more perspective. You should simplify your style a bit more, your essay is likely to be judged on how efficiently it delivers your point more than the amount of vocabulary used to do it.

[Ryzorian]

I noticed that now, perhaps the auther in question ment that "greatness" could only be appreciated with in the presence of others because it took those others to "verify" what that greatness was?

[darksyndrem]

Alright, I've gone over this a lot today, and I think I'm finished. There's been a lot of editing in it, so I'm going to post the revised version here.

"True greatness and individual accomplishment are two factors which must be explored when examining absolute perfection. Perfection, requiring willpower and mental endurance, shows power and freedom that some people have never dreamt of. In fact, few believe they will ever achieve the heights of perfection. Not finding that perfection is due to a number of things, including unbelief, faithlessness, and most importantly, negligence. For one would not achieve excellence, if he were to simply stand and gawk upon his inabilities, overlooking and underestimating passive potential. True greatness requires intimate passion and desire.

h true greatness demands the prerequisites of belief and passion, there is still a definitive factor that is missing from the equation, and that is people. Though one requisite is not more important than another, perfection cannot be acquired without the aiding presence of others. For example: one cannot learn a skill such as blacksmithing without a master to teach the Apprentice Smith how, where, and when to hit the metal. More importantly, learning to blacksmith would also require the use of a forge and anvil, which would further involve the presence of others. A pianist cannot be taught the art of playing unless someone was there to build or tune the piano. However, the concepts of apprenticeship and material providers are merely two examples of the complex adaptive system that has lead to technological advances in humanity, and do not even begin to show the depth of the necessity of people. People are likely the most important component to growth and change - not physically, but mentally and emotionally. They are the aiding tools by which we grow stronger, in that through use of these tools we are able to seek out and find our own personal greatness in its most intimate form.

The greatness that is achieved by emotional growth is a necessity that is not easily found. It is so perceivably inaccessible that some believe it can only be bestowed by a god or some sort of higher power (which I would agree with to an extent, in the sense that a god can give opportunities to obtain this level of greatness; it can then be taken or rejected by an individual), but either way, the beauty of perfection seems exclusive to few individuals. Aside from the lack of opportunity that is given, I have yet to describe the greatness for which mental and emotional strength is required. the greatness I am referring to is better defined as wholeness that carries a sense of peace. It is a life that includes flaws, but can still be considered flawless by the individual who has come to accept these flaws. However, these flaws are not seen as failure, but as a way to improve oneself. This sort of wholeness is what I long for most of all. It is the hope that one day; I may reach the inexplicable height of mental strength and never fall back into flaws.

However, there is not only a common and literal sense of the need of people or perfection within making decisions. there is also something in between the two extremes of apprenticeship and self-purification. Instead of finding greatness within people or requiring people as a resource to achieve greatness, there is a level in which people are an outside force that affects our own abilities. Johannes Sebastian Bach, an accomplished composer of the Baroque, had two brothers who were both composers. but while all three siblings shared the ability to compose music, Bach gained the renown of being talented during his life, and even in our time 300 years later. What characteristics separated Bach from his brothers? It could have been that he was simply more fortunate than the other two; however, it is much more likely to have been that he not only composed pieces for royalty, but he did so under pressure. These people may have been supervising over his work, assuring that Bach completed his tasks in a timely manner. Social pressure was a motivator in his life, and in this sense, it is possible that he was able to find greatness and achieve perfection in his compositions. His being pressed is often interpreted as only a frustration and cause of stress in his life, although it propelled him to be more than an exceptional artist.

As it was stated before, many things may be required to achieve greatness, but it is certainly people that is needed most of all. Though you cannot obtain greatness without any of these components, people are needed most because they are they key to true greatness, according to Hannah Arendt. Though the requisite is not always hard to obtain, at times it can be nearly impossible. The difficulty in finding greatness depends on how deep the necessity may be. I have stated three levels of the requirements of people; a literal sense that may even be considered common logic, an entirely philosophical sense that is not necessarily believed by many people, and a sense that can be found in between the two. It is certain that the need for people is quite diverse. And I do believe it is the thought that people are to help us grow in maturity and strength that is most valuable. This growth is, indeed, something that I wish to value more than everything I know. Finding perfection within me is what I long for in my journey as a person, and as an artist."