I really need help from the fathers out there.
 

Hmm no doubt many men have been in this predicament. Maybe if there had been contraception you would not be in this predicament.
what about the girl/ Its an even bigger situation for her as she has to carry the child and give birth to him or her.

what's the saying If you don't like the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

Many men just abandon the poor girl--------- cowards way out and depriving the child of a father.


If your parents are putting pressure on you-- I don't think much of them.

too many gr parents have done that in the past-- forgetting that actually the child would be their grand child.


you need to discuss it properly really but please do not abandon the mother or the child.

you may guess that I am female. who was an abandoned child.

Hi Salvanas.

I just wanted to say that it's extremely admirable for you to want to take responsibility like this and step up to the plate. What's done is done, and you can't change that, so I think people's criticisms about contraception is uncalled for - what matters is, like you said, moving forward and onward with things. There are so many men (and women) who would neglect their responsibilities or abandon the child, the fact you are willing to do right by your girlfriend and her child shows (to me) great bravery and maturity.

It's a very difficult situation you're in. There are many adults who struggle to raise children, so to do so in the first year of university certainly has my sympathy and support, because it will be a very trying time for you. I just hope that you don't give up on your education, or your girlfriend gives up on hers! You'll need that education to help you in life, and make raising a child so much easier, and to leave education now would be such a shame.

I do agree with Dogsbody on her stance about your family though. If your family love you then they should support you no matter what, so perhaps their ultimatum was merely said in stress or worry? It'll be best - as said - to perhaps talk with them and try to work out your options and position, perhaps to even bring your girlfriend into the dialogue and work out what your plans are between the two of you and your future with the child. It's a very difficult path ahead of you, but you have to do what's right for you and the child. No one knows your situation or self better than you do, and only you can say for sure what will work, and whatever happens you have to live with your choices, so make sure you make choices that feel right for you.

Ah, I'm not a father, and my advice probably seems a little cliche or vague, but I do wish you the best for your future, and I hope that it all turns out for the best in the long run.

Not a father, but I`ll offer up my opinions on this.

First, try not to let this change your feelings for your girlfriend. It is not her fault this is happening... Or at least not any more than your own. And in the end, she`ll be getting the short end of the stick - at the very least physically. You`re both in this together, and should be turning to each other for support. No one else is going to be the parent of your child - it`s just the two of you together. It may be tempting to let your frustration with the situation translate into frustration with her, but it`s kind of along the lines of a child lashing out at anything and anyone when something goes wrong. In the end it will only make things worse.

Second - having a child is NOT the end of life and dreams. I can`t comment on family as, well, every family is different. If your parents are going to basically disown you for choosing to take responsibility for your own child (and their grandchild!)... It is their loss. Chances are they`re just very disappointed that this has happened, but will deal with it and potentially be the most devoted grandparents down the line. The news no doubt shocked them, and they are likely panicking just as much as you are.

Life goes on pretty much normally after having a child. Children don`t stop people from fulfilling their dreams. They don`t stop them from going on with life.

I was married when I got pregnant, but had dreams, plans, a life that I was very happy with. I was 23, so not all that incredibly far from you in age.
We`d actually talked about having a baby. We sort of wanted a baby, but weren`t going to really try for one. We sort of mutually decided that if I did get pregnant then we would have the baby.
What do you know - I got pregnant less than a month after having that discussion.

It was horrifying. It honestly felt like nothing could EVER be the same after having a baby in my life. It felt as if my relationship with my husband would completely go down the drain, any dreams I had would end as impossible dreams, and that I would lose everything in life that I had worked for and was happy with.
I`m sure that this isn`t too far off from what you`re feeling.

But we went through with it. There was many a sleepless night where I was crying or worrying so much that I thought I would throw up from the stress.

The baby came early, whole load of complications, etc etc, so spent the first 5 months of life in the hospital. Life didn`t change at all except for daily visits to the hospital.
When discharge came around, it was the whole deal over again. I am pretty sure I spent the whole day before discharge crying. I spent the week before trying to fit in as many of those things I thought I would never be able to do after a baby came along. We went on late night car trips. We went out nearly every day to eat. Anything I could think of that I saw as an impossibility with a child I tearfully pushed myself to do.

But once the baby came home, things didn`t really change all that much. I can`t really think of anything that changed drastically. I think we avoided going to places where people were smoking a lot because, well, it`s not good for a baby and ours had particularly weak lungs.

There is a saying that people kept saying to me here - If you can feed two, you can feed three.
Children aren`t the center of the world. Sure, parents can make them that, but it doesn`t have to be that way. Children can be little add-ons and additions to the life of the parent. This is something I couldn`t imagine until I actually experienced it. I don`t live for my son. He is a part of my life.

sorry if I was harsh.

University of Worcester - Childcare (3 months – 16 years)

Do the Universities have Creches? I certainly would hope so.


I hope your parents will come round- such a shame if they do not. It used to happen in the old days so many babies went for adoption-- but I thought modern parents were far more accomodating.

I'm going to have to agree here.

I think it's the mothers body and she should have the right to decide what happens to it but you don't have the obligation to stay with her.

Get out of your relationship with her if you want. Be there for the kid if you feel like it (though I'm going to say that I don't think this is your obligation either).

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Where abortion is concerned much depends how far on the baby is.

Have you seen those amazing images of a baby in the womb?

at least it is not against the law but many anti-abortionists would be against it.


Its for this couple to have a proper discussion surely. After all this must be so common-- nothing new in conceiving a baby is there.


I used to see students looking for someone to adopt their baby but then others telling them they wil lnot get over it.


There are plenty of couples wanting a baby-- so maybe adoption is one way to go-- but nothing is straightforward.

we do not know either the mother or the father. So easy for us to give our opinions so easy to say the man shouldn't have to be there for the child-- a very common option by the way-- so damned easy when you are not the one carrying the child in your body.

Bringing a child into this world Is a responsibility--nobody will tell me differently. If you bring it into this world then you should be responsible for it not just leave the mother in the lurch.

Hey there Sal, we meet again. :)

First of all, lay back. I know it looks like way too much to handle right now, but it's not as bad as it seems. It's a baby! Your baby. There's no way having a baby can be bad news. Or too much of one, anyway. I mean, this might not be the best of times and you had a whole bright future ahead of you and you might have to rearrange it, but not all is lost! You don't have to drop your studies forever, you might just need to put them off until everything's settled down. I know when you first hear it's like crazy and you can't believe it is you this is happening to, but if you're able to analyze the situation from a different perspective you might find you're not as unlucky as you think.

Your girlfriend's made a decision. I don't know how much of your opinion she took into account when making her final decision, but either way, want it or not, you are in this situation and you're gonna have to face it, so might as well make a good experience out of it, since it's your child and you're gonna see things from a total different point of view once you take it all in and embrace the fact that you are going to be a dad. Really, once the scary part's over, you're gonna be excited about it.

Just keep one thing in mind. You're the father of this child and nothing can change that, but you're not attached to the girl forever. If you feel you don't want to be in this relationship anymore, you should tell her. Not the best timing, but it's best to be honest right from the start. It'll be way worse if you let her go on thinking you're okay with her, and later on when the baby arrives you break things up with her. Maybe she'll change her mind about wanting to keep it if she knows you want out of the relationship. Anyway, you can still be a father to that child without having to be a boyfriend to the mother. It makes things more complicated, but it's just silly to stay with someone you don't want to be with, and if that's how it is then your girlfriend deserves to know. It's your baby and you can't run away from it, but you can be honest with your girlfriend if you're not thinking of staying with her.

I wish you luck with whatever it is you choose to do. Things will be fine, you can do this if you want to.

Stupid? Having an abortion is not an easy decision to make. She must have her reasons why she doesn't want one. It's up to her, and deciding to keep it isn't a stupid decision to make. Having a baby while you're still at University might not be the best scenario, but it shouldn't be the only reason you base your decision on if you choose to have an abortion. Sure she's gonna have it tough, but she can manage to do both, being a mom and keep up with her uni studies.

A child is a gift, why look at it as "OMG you ruined my life?" This isn't about university or even what color car you like, or even your parents. The choices you make here on out will reflect on this person's life for the next potential 80 years. Your a father now, don't let this child's memories of you be poor ones, or the person who says "OMG you ruined my life" may be your child.

These are rather harsh words I know, but better to hear harshness from strangers than harsheness from your child. Mine you can forget as some bloke from wherever, those from your child will remain with you for ever.

I dont think she stupid for have the child at 19, heck i know alot more women who are younger than that who has gotten pregrant and are able to take care of themselves and their child without the help of their "boyfriends". If he does not want to stay with her because of that he wont be any different from the many other men who decide to leave their girlfriends. But just like someone on this forum already said "if you cant take the heat get out of the kitchen" or never enter the kitchen until your ready..really ready.

It would be great if you do decide to stay by her side if you "truly" have feeling for her, but please do not let the child be only reason why you do not want to stay. I pretty sure your parents will come around, now they are just upset give it some time. Hope for you the best.

What better reason is there to stay than that you have created a child, a life, that needs loving and caring and raising from a father and a mother?

I have mixed feelings on this. Sure I believe it's the mothers right to choose to have the baby or not but if she does so against your wishes does she have the right to expect you stay by her side? Especially considering that both of you were taking precautions not to have a child I don't see why your life should be totally changed because of her selfish desires to have the child.

Regardless of what some have said on here it will change your life dramatically, especially if your family will not be much support. Because obviously neither of you will have much money, you'll need all the support you can get. Personally I'd be taking your families advice and getting out of town. If neither of you were taking precautions against a pregnancy or had been planning a baby then I would wholeheartedly encourage you to man up but this is not the case here.

GN spoken just like a Man.


Must be handy just to be able to disappear including of any responsibilities.


Sex was so we would pro create-- so why the surprise?


No doubt the majority of men do shuttle off--------because it is so easy because they are not carrying that baby.



so I guess the old age adage-- "always let your conscience be your guide"


maybe the baby could go to a couple who are desperate for a baby if the OP's girl friend would be willing-- but Hey-- isn't that what always USED to Happen.

should only the woman carry the can for a condum breaking or a contraceptive pill not working.What if it was Meant to Be? that this baby was destined to be conceived by these two people?


Ah well I hope that everyone concerned in all of this will talk--more likely it will be the girls parents who will help look after their gr. child.

Nowadays this happens such alot and frequently the grand parents Do help out and love and cherish that child as if it is their own.


This young man is a decent person I believe and scared. I believe SUKI gave good advice on here-- along with some others. This must be the most common occurrence we hear of daily-------------


just think how wonderful when this child looks up to his bio father-- and says "I love you Dad."

I agree that should be enough of a reason, but sadly that isnt in case for some relationships i have witness or read about. Most relationships i have witnessed leave simply based on the fact that the girl got pregrant the guys leaves, but in other situations that not always the case.Sometime they end up staying together and raising their child together as well, because they either truly love each other or just forcing themselves to be there for the child only.

So even after both of you have taken all reasonable precautions to prevent a pregnancy (because neither of you wanted a child) the man should still be held to ransom for the rest of his life purely because the women won't agree to an abortion? Maybe this is the right thing but I don't think it's fair one little bit. And it's hardly a recipe for a healthy, loving relationship that will be good for the child.

Stop saying that the girl's decision is selfish! Do you know what an abortion can mean?! It has the potential result that she became sterile or have other long-term psychical/mental effects.
Besides, he didn't mention the girl forced him to stay with her.

@Salvanas
I'm not a father either and I don't even know you. But as a mother I hope I can give you some tips.

If you are truly committed to take responsibility you should let your parents know it. I mean have you considered marriage? Your parents may not feel that your determination is solid enough, to be honest you really seem to hesitate. And it's natural they place you before your unborn child from a girl they never even met(I'm guessing here but even if they met her, I'm sure they don't know her).
If they think, they can keep you from doing this, they will try it by all means.
My mother-in-law hadn't accept our child (thus neither our relationship) till she saw him with her own eye. I mean although she's a good person, my life was a living hell when I was pregnant and she was around. I think she kind of hoped that I would have miscarriage or we'd break up before the child was born. I couldn't understand how could she act so cruel towards me and her unborn grandchild. Now I know that she only wanted to protect his son and she felt wounded because her advice wasn't asked nor listened. I think your mother might feel the same 'pain' right now: not only that some random girl 'takes' her son away from her, but you 'ruin' your life by putting yourself in this very difficult situation.
If you want to take full responsibility tell them that you do and you will do, and try to make it clear that you're aware of the meaning of it. Cause taking care of the child won't be easy, your parents already know this, they might feel that you don't.

I'm on this 'parents' subject because I think you'll definitely need their help to be able to live a full life. And not only theirs but your gf' parents too. I had classmates in the uni who already had children and they managed to keep up with everything but they all had full support from their relatives and their partners loved them very much.

You have 7-9 month to plane and arrange everything before your child arrives, you both can finish this year easily and surely your parents will come around, they'll understand/accept your decision, if you keep telling them that you love them and you don't want to lose them and you want to take care of your child just like they did take care of you.

I hope I could help some...
I wish you the best!

Ah well GN-- why should the woman Have to have an abortion. Its not exactly simple or easy is it?


Maybe not fair-- but if you create a child-- Meant for this awful world that we have-- its okay to destroy it?


As you know it is expensive bringing up a child. You are right about in this particular case--not an ideal situation for any child to be with parents who do not love each other.


But financial support? do you not agree to that either?

It's not only the physical aspect of abortion that can damage a woman but the psychological aspect.

well MIss MIsa I am beginning to think that you are a male judging by many of your comments.

So if you were male you would skedaddle. It's not your problem but then, judging by many of your previous posts you don't really like children do you?


It's sso easy to shirk responsibility isn't it.

Never mind what happens to the child.


This world is full of men who just disappear from the scene.

bet You would.

Ah yes giving Birth-- I had three children-- first one died after a too long labour--- think I know a little about it-- and no mother to help me out either.

I think you're failing to see the dilemma here.

Misa GN and I think it's unfair for a woman to have a baby when it hasn't been agreed upon.

Which makes your experiences irrelevant to the discussion.

of course RONIN-- what else would one expect from you.

point is that sex was mutual-- a child has been conceived-- SO?

Sex was mutual but the desire to bring a child into the world was not from the beginning.

THAT is the dilemma.

Who the hell do you think you are? Don't like children? You really do seem to let loose at times only to come back and apologise a post or two later. Maybe you should actually read what you write before pressing submit. Or are you really such a spiteful old lady?

The point here is that both parties had taken precautions against having a child. Neither had planned on having a child. The father certainly doesn't appear to be overly ready to take on the mantle of fathership. If he chooses to take on the responsibility then that's great. I just don't believe it is fair that his entire life is now completely changed because of an accident. Legally I would assume that he will have to pay child support whether he chooses to be part of the childs life or not. Still bringing the child into the world is the mothers choice. In this case where both parties were being responsible about contraception I don't think it is fair the father should be held to ransom, emotionally and financially if he doesn't wish for the pregnancy to go ahead. Her choice, her responsibility.

I was 38 when we had our daughter and in a very comfortable financial position and emotionally quite ready. Although it did take us nearly 3 years of trying before finally getting pregnant. I can barely imagine the stress the OP is going through being possibly forced against his will to take on the incredible responsibility of being a father at an age that no one should even be thinking of such things.

Not sure where my post went, but to sum it up.

We let Mothers have a choice if they want to become Mums so therefore we cannot force Fathers to become Dads.


It is not running away if he said from the start he doesn't want a child, then before birth decides to have nothing to do with the child ever (other than any legal financial obligations - I don't always agree with these but you cannot flaunt the law)

The mother should respect this and as she chose to have the child (she chose to have it because she didn't abort or give it up for adoption) it is her sole responsibility and she cannot demand support from anyone else.

If he wants to stay with the gf but not be a Dad this is practically impossible, just as it is impossible to get involved with a woman with a child in a serious long term relationship without become some kind of step-dad.

He has been forced into the choice of staying with her and becoming a Dad, or leaving her and deciding if he wants to have the Dad role or not. Society will pressure him into being the Dad to the child even though he doesn't want to either way.

I feel really concerned for OP and hope he finds a way through it that he finds agreeable. Don't listen to society and do what you want for yourself, do not feel pressured or forced to do anything you don't want if you can help it, stand your ground! Good Luck :)

it fine we all have our opinons of what is right and what is wrong which is fine
.
But it seem that she wants the child and he does not want the child. how do you get a fair compromise without hurting the other party?

its obvious that you don't care a hang about the child in all of this Marisa.


Don't listen to society or conscience. Listen to Marisa and clear off.

A child has been created. was it by immaculate conception?

why not just clear off and leave the woman to deal with the aftermath.

Must be great to be a fella.

People are entitled to their opinions. Marisa is entitled to hers.

This thread was specifically written for a specific case where the original poster wanted specific advice to his specific situation . . . if you want to argue about abandonment, adoption, right/wrong, responsibilities then please do so in an appropriate thread. You seem to hijack a LOT of threads just to say 'xyz problem is tantamount to abandonment and these fathers/mothers are scum', and not only is that not helpful to the poor guy who started this thread, it's not helpful in any of the other threads where you do this either.

Marisa has her opinions. Everyone hear has their opinions. There is no right or wrong answer, so please don't make assumptions or cruel comments about Marisa when you know nothing about her.

Off-topic rant over.

Thankyou RobinMask.

I tend to not reply to such personal flying-off-the-handle rants as I think they speak for the poster far more than anything I could say to defend myself, and why should I have to defend something I never said, and is merely a presumption based in ignorance.

Some people just don't know how to debate in a calm, impersonal, logical manner and jump to conclusions when someone disagrees with them.
Such a shame really, I like to hear others opinions and moderate my own conclusions accordingly if presented with good reasons for backing up a viewpoint. Over emotional statements and attacks aren't going to ever help evolve any groups opinions.

A man agrees to have a baby with a woman the moment he puts his thing inside her. He knows the laws and knows the risks. We can say "It's not fair!" But it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone engaging in sex. Having sex when you don't want to have a baby is risky behavior.

I am not making a moral judgement, but just showing that it is a gamble when engaged in.

So are saying engaging in sex when you do not want to have a baby is not risky behavior?

Are you saying people shouldn't understand the responsibilities and risks they take if what results is a baby?

Legally a man is responsible for his baby, at least financially, until the child turns 18. That's not my moral attitude, that is the fact. He can walk away if he wants, but he will always be that baby's biological father and will be responsible. If this isn't clear, then people aren't smart enough to be messing around with sex. (I am not saying the OP is in this category.)

It finally comes to her decision, she is the one which will need to carry it/her/him, feed it the first weeks after birth and I respect her decision. If she changes her mind after the fact is done, why some of you blame her?
About him, he isn't pinned down to stay, but he may choose to. ( I respect both choices)
Anyway, its clear, sex wasn't created for baby making, I wonder how sometimes something goes wrong and one pops up :mtongue: .

PS:Trusting a ~0.1 mm thin sheet of rubber/latex/other compounds to protect you from baby-consequences is a lottery with a 2% "win" chance.
Condom wiki ("...women whose partners use male condoms experience a 2% per-year pregnancy rate)...."
Trusting a pill is another lottery. Conception had about 5 million years to develop, man only had about 20.000 years to find a way to stop its purpose and barely managed something towards that in the last 100 or so years. The methods are still not perfect, but are good enough, talking in chances.

Hi Salvanas,

I may not be a parent, but I have a few friends who had children as young as you, and there's a couple of practical things i have to add to other posts here.

First things first; It's not the end of the world. It's not what you planned, but it is not necessarily the death knell on everything. Your parents are clearly shocked and upset, but give them time. It's probably hit them out of the blue and they're acting irrationally because of it. Try and remain calm and lay out the situation to them logically. Relocating to London is not going to magically solve your girlfriend's pregnancy or change the fact that your going to be a father. Do they really want a son who ditches on his responsibilities? If they're egging each other on, perhaps try talking to them separately. You sound like you want to do the adult thing, make them realise this. I appreciate this might be difficult if they don't know or like your girlfriend. What about her family though? Are her parents aware, will they be supportive?

Staying in education is probably a more sensible choice than dropping out and trying to find a job right now, given the current hiring prospects. your baby will be around for a long time; you might not be in a situation where you can easily re-apply for university. Your girlfriend will be eligible for child maintenance and other benefits depending on her financial circumstances; YOU won't be required to pay for everything. If the idea of it is stressing you out, talk to someone and figure out what you need to budget; there are family planning clinics that offer free consultations about parenting. Ask your doctor where you might get such information. They can also maybe help you deal with the emotional side of things, as well as practicalities.

Especially go and talk to your university, and hers. You will not be the first students in this situation by a very long shot, and they may have measures to deal with it. This might include things like a sabbatical, changing from a full-time to a part-time course, delaying your graduation for you or if you are very lucky, help finding financial aid. Having a child may put a dent in your plans and require a little shuffling about but it need not de-rail them altogether. My best friend was born whilst her mother was at university, and this was in the 80's. She kept going and graduated. One of my friends switched to an Open University course. She now has her degree and is able to continue working towards her chosen career. Another decided to leave university, but set up a small business instead and is doing perfectly well, and she has twins!

You're still a sensible, logical person; life's thrown you a curveball, but try not to get overwhelmed and focus on what you -can- do rather than what you're worried you can't do, or feel you'll lose. And most of all get some solid advice from somewhere other than the internet!.

Man, this gets the prize for being the silliest thing I've read on this board.

What do you suggest, people stay away from having sex unless they are ready to have a child? Psh. Really, this is just plain stupid.

Tell this to the OP.

The RISK PERCENTAGE may be minute, but the RISK RESULTS are gigantic for the lives of two (or now three) people.

Let's say the risk of making a baby while using a condom is 0.01%, meaning 1 in 10,000 times a pregnancy happens.

What if instead of talking about pregnancy, we were talking the risk of a nuclear radiation leak. If the government told a community that the risk of nuclear radiation leakage hitting the water supply and infecting the water was only 0.01% there would be public outrage.

The RISK PERCENTAGE is low, but the RESULTS are huge.

What is so stupid about it? Would you give your car keys to someone who didn't have a driver's license? Would you send your child to school if the teachers were not trained and prepared to teach?

This reminds me of a line from the movie Parenthood:

"You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming a$$hole be a father. "

Unfortunately people have the only "license" required to be a father or mother once they hit puberty.

I am not telling anyone what to do or what not to do, but just as if you driving without a license is irresponsible, engaging in sex without being prepared for the potential consequences is not responsible.

Well research shows that teaching abstinence actually increases the risk of unwanted pregnancy.

Look at you deviating from your original statement.

You said "A man agrees to have a baby with a woman the moment he puts his thing inside her", which means that -according to you- no man who isn't ready to be a father should ever have sex, until he feels he is ready and can deal with the responsabilities that may come with it.

This logic is bullshit, in my opinion. The only purpose of sex isn't to make babies, and you know that.

So what you are saying isn't much different from saying it's okay for people to die when doing extreme sports, such as mountain-climbing, because they know what the risks are before doing it, so they knew what was coming to them, and so it's fair. See my point?

People won't give up sex because of that, and yeah, it is very stupid to say people shouldn't have sex unless they're ready to become a parent. Because there's more to sex than breeding, and you seem to be old enough to have realized that by now.

umm without contraception surely a baby will be conceived if the time is right.

The catholics have their own rhythm method- withdrawal.

why do you think we have such a sexual drive-- surely it was to procreate.

anyone who says it was only to have FUN-- or whatever you may call it.

we were told to procreate. Animals only have sex when they are ready to have progeny.They don't do it for FUN. Nature decided that sex was the way to procreate.

Sure if you take all the precautions avoid STD's etc, don't get AIDs, Gonnoreah, syphillus, Chlammydia -- which used to be very common, sure go and have fun.
But never forget-- sex was not created for FUN.

Before there were any contraceptives women had babies they did not want or back street abortions.

Yes both partners need to always be careful and aware-- .

One man could sire many children