That's YOUR translation.

1) There is nothing to be gained by making fun of enyafriend.

2) Don't speak with authority when you don't know what you are talking about. It confuses people who are trying to learn because they don't know if you are right or not.

3) "to have" (to hold) is 持つ.

Just for the benefit of your very own doubt, there are no exact translation to that particular sentence. Don't you get it?

私はチーズバーガーを持つことができます
= I can hold a cheeseburger
= I am able to hold a cheeseburger
= I have the ability to hold a cheeseburger
= It is alright for me to hold a cheeseburger

For they all meant more or less the same thing.

Either you can continue to suck at your Japanese or you can graciously learn at what is being taught today. Like it or not, I have just enriched your Japanese.

Dare I ask what this joke is that isn't translating?

i imagine it's evolved from this:

The above is what is commonly referred to as a "lolcat", a combination of "lol" (chatspeak for "laughing out loud") and "cat". The main idea is the caption of the picture featuring a cute cat is actually written by the cat itself, which is absurd. Still, the combination of cuteness and the earnest yet badly misspelled statement (eg. "can i haz cheezburger?") is rather funny...if it is understood as such. Translating not only the words but idea between cultures and languages successfully is a difficult task.

Well, for order? Maybe like チーズバーガーをください　O.K. If polite, チーズバーガーをいただけますか？ is O.K. But, if me, 12, チーズバーガーをいただけますか？ so polite, I say チーズバーガーをください　

I've never seen a customer ordering with that degree of formality at a burger joint in Japan. You'd only look out of place if you did. I suggest that you go with what MMM said on page one.

Not burger but O.K.~ I not say question~ just example- Not me, I has not ask "Can I have a cheeseburger". Of course, no people say for burger, but, it is style of asking, strange, right!? No people 12 say it, adult, O.K., but, no cheeseburger～＊～MMM say good: One Cheeseburger Please. That very best! If confuse, I am so sorry~ thank you so much ♫

Hmm.......well I think it all has to do with conjugation, as you can't really spell words too wrong in Japanese, I mean, if you do, it tends to become a whole new world. I don't know the conjugation for has, or if it's any different than have in Japanese, something tells me no, because the I am you are he is or je suis tu es il est(for a french comparison) doesn't exist in Japanese, if I'm not mistaken.

So yes, the only thing it can really come down to is what MMM said on the very first page.