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Song Translation Consistency Check Needed -
01-03-2009, 07:11 AM
Heya, I'm having a go at my first translation of a song, and I was wondering if someone wouldn't look it over to make sure everything's right? I'm a little worried because it was hard for me to interpret some lines.
Unfortunately my Japanese language skill right now isn't very high, so I did this with the help of a dictionary. Please help! Thanks!  永遠を誓った二人には Eien wo chikatta futari ni wa Two people who swear to be together forever 会えない時が長くても aenai toki ga nagakute mo For a long time, they're unable to see each other 果てない想い 積もりゆく Hatenai omoi tsumori yuku Expecting their feelings to never fade 光り輝く Hikari kagayaku They shine 女と男の LOVE と書いて Onna to otoko no LOVE to kaite Write "love between a woman and a man" これを革命と読みます Kore wo kakumei to yomimasu This is pronounced as revolution 愛して愛されて Aishite aisarete To love and to be loved この永遠のテーマは Kono eien no teema wa This age-old theme Girl loves Boy から始まるのです Girl loves Boy kara hajimaru no desu Starts from girl loves boy そして Soshite And... 革命時代。 kakumei jidai A period of revolution. 悲しい夢も涙も捨てないで Kanashii yume mo namida mo sutenaide Don't thow away a sad dream or tears そっと青春の小箱につめて Sotto seishun no kobako ni tsumete Softly fill youth's casket 時々それを開くと Tokidoki sore wo hiraku to At times it opens up 美しい思い出がよみがえるでしょう Utsukushii omoi de ga yomigaeru deshou And revives beautiful memories, I hope 最後に もう一度 抱きしめて いいかい Saigo ni mou ichidou dakishimete ii kai Is it alright if I hold you one last time? 夜明けが近いよ さよならを 言わせて Yoake ga chikai yo sayonara wo iwasete Dawn is drawing near, let me say goodbye 誰かの心が ひらけば どこかで Dareka no kokoro ga hirakeba dokoka de If a person's heart is open, somewhere 傷ついてる 誰かの 心が とじる Kizutsuiteru dareka no kokoro ga tojiru A wounded person's heart is closed 幸せなと 知らないまま Shiawase na to shiranai mama Without knowing it, everyone 人はみんな 生きる道を探してる Hito wa minna ikiru michi wo sagashiteiru Is looking for a path that leads to happiness (Let’s shake the world)踊れ 命がけ Let’s shake the world odore inochigake Let’s shake the world, dance for your life (Love you ＆ me)愛し 愛され Love you & me aishi aisare Love you & me, love and be loved 叶わない愛で いいのさ Kanawanai ai de ii nosa Unrequited love is fine 愛し続ける LOVE 革命 Aishi tsuzukeru LOVE kakumei I will continue to love you, love revolution さだめに逆らい どこまで行けるの Sadame ni sakarai doko made ikeru no How far can we go, opposing fate 気づけば過去まで 押しも出されながら Kizukeba kako made moshi mo dasare nagara While worrying about the past and opposing authority 切れそうな鼓動が 自由を支えて Kiresouna kodou ga jiyuu wo sasaete The heartbeat the seems to cut supports freedom 立ち向かう一筋の 光とともに Tachi mukau hitosuji no hikari totomo ni Together with light, standing earnestly 何一つも 変われるまま Nani hitotsu mo kawareru mama As nothing changes 何もかもが 悲しいほど 変わって行く Nani mo kamoga kanashii hodo kawatte iku Anything and everything sadly changes (Let’s shake the world)踊れ 命がけ Let’s shake the world odore inochigake Let’s shake the world, dance for your life (Love you ＆ me)愛し 愛され Love you & me aishi aisare Love you & me, love and be loved 叶わない愛で いいのさ Kanawanai ai de ii nosa Unrequited love is fine 愛し続ける LOVE 革命 Aishi tsuzukeru LOVE kakumei I will continue to love you, love revolution (I love you shake)愛こそ 革命 I love you shake aikoso kakumei I love you shake, only love is a revolution (Around the world)愛し 愛され Around the world aishi aisare Around the world, love and be loved 悔やんでも 夢は永遠 Kuyande mo yume wa eien This dream is unfortunately eternal この愛こそが LOVE 革命 Kono aikoso ga LOVE kakumei Only this love is a love revolution (Let’s shake the world)踊れ 命がけ Let’s shake the world odore inochigake Let’s shake the world, dance for your life (Love you ＆ me)愛し 愛され Love you & me aishi aisare Love you & me, love and be loved 叶わない愛で いいのさ Kanawanai ai de iinosa Unrequited love is fine 愛し続ける LOVE 革命 Aishi tsuzukeru LOVE kakumei I will continue to love you, love revolution これ以上 見つめあったら 叶わないのさ 革命 Kore ijou mitsume attara kanawanai nosa kakumei It'll be an unfulfilled revolution if we gaze at each other more than this 
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01-05-2009, 04:12 AM
I think you have done a pretty good job overall. Allow me to point out a few items that I'm not quite convinced that you understood correctly.
1. The first four lines constitute only one sentence. You translated it as two, with the subject being 二人 for each of the two sentences. In the original, it's only one sentence with the subject being 果てない想い. 2. Same 'mistake' (if I may call it a mistake) with Verse 3. It's only one sentence in the original but you're soemhow seeing three. If this is intentional, then I won't argue since it's art. Just want to make sure you understood it was one sentence. 3. Are you sure that the origianal actually says 幸せなと 知らないまま? Also, 押しも出されながら? 4. In Verse 7, where does "opposing authority" come from? Nothing even close to it is in the original.
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