Help with business thank-you letter

[jubinell]

Hello everybody,

I'm writing a handwritten business thank-you letter. My company just visited some businesses in Vietnam and they'd like to express their gratitude for the latter's time and energy. However there are some peculiarities:

1. The visited company is in Vietnam but it's a Japanese company investing there. They are NOT considered our clients I don't think since this was the first time we've met/talked with them.

2. The letter recipient is Japanese. However his business card is in English and his Japanese job title is not known. Also, the company name is only available in English. Is it OK to use his English title and the English company name (pulled from business card)?

3) There are other recipients. However they are from the same company/office in Vietnam and attended that same meeting. Is it OK/customary to include their names in the same letter in order of rank?

4) Any other pointers you can give with regards to style, wording, things to avoid, etc. I'm post-marking in mid December. Did I use the right seasonal greeting? Should I include the date of the meeting instead of 過日? etc.

Finally...the letter itself! Here it is! Everybody please give me your opinions. However due to the strict rules involved in Japanese business writing please state how well you know/how sure you are of your corrections/opinions. If you're not sure about something please say so because otherwise I might include your corrections (:


---

Vietnam something something，LTD.
□□ □□様、General Director
□□ □□様、Deputy General Director
□□ □□様、Technical Adviser

　拝啓
　ご歳末慣例の候、貴社におかれましてはますますご繁栄のこととお慶び申し上げます。

　さて、過日の訪問に際しましては、貴重なお時間をいただき、まことにありがとうございました。具体的な業務内容についていろいろとお話を伺い、また、貴社の活気にあふれた雰囲気に触れることができました。

　これをご縁に、何かございましたらまた参上いたしたいと存じますので、その節は、何とぞよろしくお願い申し上げます。

　まずは、とりあえず書中をもってお礼申し上げます。
敬具

平成２０年１２月 １４日

株式会社my company
代表取締役所長 my president's name

---

Thank you so much everybody!

[Nagoyankee]

Originally Posted by jubinell

Hello everybody,

I'm writing a handwritten business thank-you letter. My company just visited some businesses in Vietnam and they'd like to express their gratitude for the latter's time and energy. However there are some peculiarities:

1. The visited company is in Vietnam but it's a Japanese company investing there. They are NOT considered our clients I don't think since this was the first time we've met/talked with them.

2. The letter recipient is Japanese. However his business card is in English and his Japanese job title is not known. Also, the company name is only available in English. Is it OK to use his English title and the English company name (pulled from business card)?

3) There are other recipients. However they are from the same company/office in Vietnam and attended that same meeting. Is it OK/customary to include their names in the same letter in order of rank?

4) Any other pointers you can give with regards to style, wording, things to avoid, etc. I'm post-marking in mid December. Did I use the right seasonal greeting? Should I include the date of the meeting instead of 過日? etc.

Finally...the letter itself! Here it is! Everybody please give me your opinions. However due to the strict rules involved in Japanese business writing please state how well you know/how sure you are of your corrections/opinions. If you're not sure about something please say so because otherwise I might include your corrections (:


---

Vietnam something something，LTD.
□□ □□様、General Director
□□ □□様、Deputy General Director
□□ □□様、Technical Adviser

　拝啓
　ご歳末慣例の候、貴社におかれましてはますますご繁栄のこととお慶び申し上げます。

　さて、過日の訪問に際しましては、貴重なお時間をいただき、まことにありがとうございました。具体的な業務内容についていろいろとお話を伺い、また、貴社の活気にあふれた雰囲気に触れることができました。

　これをご縁に、何かございましたらまた参上いたしたいと存じますので、その節は、何とぞよろしくお願い申し上げます。

　まずは、とりあえず書中をもってお礼申し上げます。
敬具

平成２０年１２月 １４日

株式会社my company
代表取締役所長 my president's name

---

1. No problem. You can and should write to them as they took the time to talk to your representatives. One never knows what could develop in the future.

2. Yes. You have no choice there. The mixed writing will appear more normal to them than to you.

3. No, it isn't. You should NOT include them. Just write the name of the person in the highest rank that your representatives actually met and spoke with.

4. I'll mention what I find less than perfect in the letter below. Don't use the specific date as it isn't of any importance in this particular letter. 過日 does the job.

I've read and written hundreds of business letters in Japanese. I'm a native speaker. I won't say anything I'm not 100% sure of.
________

Where did you copy the ご歳末慣例の候 from? The 慣例 part makes no sense whatsoever. I'm guessing that you got that mixed up with its homonymy 寒冷. Drop the ご, too. 「歳末寒冷の候」 BUT isn't this company in Vietnam? Would it be cold enough there to use 寒冷? I highly doubt that.
If I were you, I'd use 歳末多端の折 so that I wouldn't have to use a word that describes temperature.

The rest is fine.

Make the first line as: 拝啓 歳末多端の折、・・・・・・
In other words, don't use the whole line just to say 拝啓.

Move 「敬具」 to farthest right.

That's about it.

[jubinell]

Wow...clean, professional and to the point. That's as good as a reply could get.

Yes I did get the seasonal greeting mixed-up. Thank you for the correction. I'll take your advice and go for a non weather-related greeting. And no, Vietnam is not cold at this time of the year (or any time of the year). It's probably low 20Cs or so.

Thank you so much!
どうもありがとうございました。