Is this correct?

[YuniYasha]

I've been studying Japanese very slowly lately, but I decided to create a conversation in Japanese. I only have a Online translator to tell me if I did it right, so I was wondering if anyone could help me correct my work?

こんにちは、カイル！ああ、こんにちは！私のIPhoneどこ ですか？貴方のIphoneあれです。いいえ、あれは私のIPhone じゃありません。ああ、私はすみません。　あれは貴方 のIphoneですか？はい！あれは私のIphoneです、どうも ありがと！どういたしまして。。さようなら！はい 、さようならカイル！

According to the translator, it's almost perfect, but I can't trust those damn things. It should be saying something like:

"Hello, Kyle! Oh, hello! Where is my Iphone? Is that your　Iphone over there? That is not my IPhone. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that your Iphone? Yes! That is my Iphone, thank you very much! Your welcome. Goodbye. yah, goodbye Kyle."

Don't laugh if you think this is really simple :P This is the first time I've tried learning a Language other then my Native language, and I've only been studying it for a few weeks (Slowly).

Ps. カイル is the closest to Kyle I could find in Katakana.

[robhol]

The only two things I can comment with my limited Japanese skills actually have very little to do with grammar. My main "complaint" is that this conversation is badly structured.. Who's saying what, here? When imitating a conversation you don't go like
"Hello, oh, hello there! how are you? fine thank you"
because that's confusing and doesn't say much about who's saying what.

As a licensed nitpicker I also want to point out that you've written iPhone in two different ways, neither of which are correct. Small "i", capital "P".

For the grammar itself I'm afraid I can't really help, but I'd advise you to "clean up" and restructure the conversation a bit.

[Columbine]

Originally Posted by YuniYasha

I've been studying Japanese very slowly lately, but I decided to create a conversation in Japanese. I only have a Online translator to tell me if I did it right, so I was wondering if anyone could help me correct my work?

こんにちは、カイル！ああ、こんにちは！私のIPhoneどこ ですか？貴方のIphoneあれです。いいえ、あれは私のIPhone じゃありません。ああ、私はすみません。　あれは貴方 のIphoneですか？はい！あれは私のIphoneです、どうも ありがと！どういたしまして。。さようなら！はい 、さようならカイル！

According to the translator, it's almost perfect, but I can't trust those damn things. It should be saying something like:

"Hello, Kyle! Oh, hello! Where is my Iphone? Is that your　Iphone over there? That is not my IPhone. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that your Iphone? Yes! That is my Iphone, thank you very much! Your welcome. Goodbye. yah, goodbye Kyle."

Try and structure it so its like this：
A: おはいよう！
B：カイル、おはいよう。
Makes it easier for the reader to know exactly who is talking.

If person A knows Kyle's name, you should assume Kyle knows person A's name too. In which case he'd never use あなた unless they were married or something. When using かto denote a question, you don't add a question mark afterwards. The か IS the question mark.
貴方のIphoneあれです is wrong. It's missing particles for a start. The way you put it the second time round あれは貴方のIphoneですか is much, much better.

Everything else is ok... It makes sense I mean, but I don't think some of word choices are ideal. That's ok, because you've just started out, but just be aware that さようなら is a pretty final way of saying goodbye for this kind of situation, and that すみません seems like Kyle feels like he's made a total social blunder thinking some other iPhone is Bob's. you say すみません if you're disturbing someone, or apologizing. Something like そうですか。では、あのiPhoneはどうですか？ might be a little more natural.　"Oh I see. How about that iPhone over there then?"

そうですかis an amazing little phrase. It can mean 'oh I see', 'really?', 'I didn't know that', 'huh, is that so?', 'oh, my mistake' etc, so it's pretty useful for when you've just been told something you a) didn't know at all or b) was contrary to what you did know. では is just a polite way of saying "well then," or "in that case" it's a fairly neutral way to segue into another sentence where you're introducing something new or changing the subject slightly.

がんばってね！

[KyleGoetz]

こんにちは、カイル！ああ、こんにちは！私のIPhoneどこ ですか？貴方のIphoneあれです。いいえ、あれは私のIPhone じゃありません。ああ、私はすみません。　あれは貴方 のIphoneですか？はい！あれは私のIphoneです、どうも ありがと！どういたしまして。。さようなら！はい 、さようならカイル！


"Hello, Kyle! Oh, hello! Where is my Iphone? Is that your　Iphone over there? That is not my IPhone. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that your Iphone? Yes! That is my Iphone, thank you very much! Your welcome. Goodbye. yah, goodbye Kyle."

---

Well, it all depends on the relationship of the two speakers. For example, were it a university and tennis buddy and myself talking, it would probably begin with something like

あっカイルちゃん！
オッス！

I'm not going to make an attempt. I'm anxious to see how a native renders the "I'm sorry." You can't just say ごめん or anything like that in Japanese, because it sounds like it is your fault that the iPhone is not that one. I don't know how to render that part at all.

It's like in English:
A: My father died.
B: I'm sorry.

You cannot translate that literally into Japanese:
A: 父はいなくなってしまいました。
B: ごめんなさい。

That sounds like B is apologizing for murdering A's father.

[chryuop]

A native speaker once got kinda "upset" for my easy attitude in using じゃ instead of では. He told me that in written Japanese I should try to avoid it and he also added that it makes the the talk very casual...thus not sure if the presence of 私 and じゃ get along well.
But speaking of politeness is not my best skill LOL.

[Sashimister]

I wouldn't mind putting this into more natural-sounding Japanese if it made more sense than it does.

When would anyone ever say "Good afternoon! Where's my I-Phone?"?