Asking for advice in an email

[jarhead5544]

I'm trying to e-mail a Japanese conducting teacher for advice on Beethoven's 1st Symphony. I don't know him personally, but I know of him. Basically, I need to make sure what I'm writing makes sense and is polite enough. Here's what I have:

何々様
御世話になっております

私の名前はジャーヘドです。私はアメリカのモンタナ州 率大学の学生です。今、ベートーベンの交響曲第１番を 勉強します。第１楽章の１２番小節の解釈を考え出さな かってはいけない。また、第３楽章の表紙の解釈を考え 出さなかってはいけない。役立つ本や他のソースを知っ ていますか。

どうぞよろしくお願いします

ジャーヘド

How does it sound? Just to be clear, I'm going to use my real name in the e-mail, not Jarhead

[masaegu]

Originally Posted by jarhead5544

I'm trying to e-mail a Japanese conducting teacher for advice on Beethoven's 1st Symphony. I don't know him personally, but I know of him. Basically, I need to make sure what I'm writing makes sense and is polite enough. Here's what I have:

何々様
御世話になっております

私の名前はジャーヘドです。私はアメリカのモンタナ州 率大学の学生です。今、ベートーベンの交響曲第１番を 勉強します。第１楽章の１２番小節の解釈を考え出さな かってはいけない。また、第３楽章の表紙の解釈を考え 出さなかってはいけない。役立つ本や他のソースを知っ ていますか。

どうぞよろしくお願いします

ジャーヘド

How does it sound? Just to be clear, I'm going to use my real name in the e-mail, not Jarhead

There are some issues here.

You do not say 御世話になっております to someone you do not personally know. How could he be "always taking care of you" when he does not even know who you are? Replace the phrase with something like:
「この度は突然のお便りで大変失礼いたします。」

州率　＞　州立
勉強します　＞　勉強しています

考え出さなかってはいけない is incorrect and it makes little sense. Probably 考え出さなければなりません ?

表紙 makes no sense in the context. What was the English word you had in mind?

No politeness is used in 知っていますか !!!! That is just a plain Japanese-as-a-foeign-language phrase.
Say ご存知でしょうか.
AND add 「ご存知なら是非お教え頂きたく存じます。」.

お願いします is also not polite enough. Say お願いいたします.
＿＿＿＿

Do you attend UM at Missoula? If so, I used to be involved with its promotion in Japan along with a few other schools in Montana. I have translated some writings by Michael Mansfield as well. I am sure you have heard of him if you attend UM. You do not have to respond to this part of my post.