Intro (please read ^_^;)

[Alastor]

This is an extract from the first chapter of a book I'm writing, which I've also written a design for to apply for a game. Read and tell me what you think of it ^_^

The First Scene

‘Yoko-san, please calm down!’

Two men and a woman were inside a small room, all gathered near a bed. The room, completely made out of a light-colored wood, had only a couple of shelves with many types of medications stored in small bottles, and on the ground below them several pots with green and blue herbs. One man was dressed in a formal white kimono; he had recently spoken to the woman, who was in a state of despair. She was clinging on to another man, this one dressed in a green and black kimono, who was probably her husband.

‘Kohei... our son...’ the woman said between heavy sobs. The man she leaned on, Kohei, said nothing, but held her firmly while looking at the boy who was lying on the bed.

He could not have reached the teenage years yet. His hair, moist and cold, was black and rather short. His eyes were closed, but he was not sleeping. His pale face revealed that he was not well. Indeed, the man in the white kimono was a healer, who had traveled to Teru-teru all the way from Mugen by the request of the father of the ill boy. However, the healer had not found the cause of the illness, and as such could not establish a potential cure. He had just informed the parents of the boy that, considering the period of time the boy had been ill, there was not much time left for him.

‘Maeda-sama... I beg of you...’ she said, holding back her tears, ‘please save Riku...’

‘Yoko...’ said Kohei, and held tighter to the poor woman. She looked at her son, and then at the healer again. His facial expression told her that pleading was futile, yet she could not stop herself. Riku was her only child. If he died, then surely she would, too...

‘Kohei-san,’ said the healer, ‘Riku has been lying in this bed, ill, for five days you tell me. Five days like this... sweating, cold and warm at once, and shivering. You told me this yourself. I am truly sorry, I wish it would not be me, but-‘

‘You could not do anything!’ cried Yoko now, her tears flooding and her voice shaking. Both Maeda and her husband were very taken aback by her sudden outburst. ‘You wish it would be someone else because your incompetence means the death of my Riku!’

A minute of silence that seemed like hours ensued. Yoko, her eyes watery, was staring numbly at nothing. Kohei was looking at Maeda, who in turn seemed quite shocked. From outside the house blew a cold breeze. A small bird flew past the window.

‘Forgive us, Maeda-sama... you did your best...’

The words failed even him now. His voice simply left him when his eyes returned to his son, his ill son. It had only been a week or so ago when that same boy had been playing with the other children and practicing with the wooden swords. He could not believe that his boy, healthy and so energetic, was now ill to the point that even the healer had given up on him.

‘It is getting late,’ said the healer now, ‘and I’m afraid I’ll have no place to sleep if I do not return to the inn now.’ He stood up, grabbing his small leather bag, and nodded. Kohei nodded back. ‘I suggest you spend these last moments together now... I apologize again, for not being able to help your son.’

‘There’s nothing to apologize for, Maeda-sama... thank you... for doing your best.’

Another moment of silence. Another cold wind blowing. No birds flying. The sun was about to fully set. With a last nod, the healer left the room, leaving the two parents together with their son. This would be the last moment the Hidesato family would have together. Yoko’s sobbing did not stop, and Kohei refused to shed a tear. Yoko put her hand on Riku’s, and kissed him on his forehead.

‘He was a good boy... wasn’t he?’

Kohei nodded in approval with a mumble that sounded like ‘mhm’.

‘He would turn out to be a good man, wouldn’t he?’

‘He would,’ replied Kohei. ‘If this is what the god will...’

The sun cast its last light on the lands now. And, at the same time, came the first radiance of the moon. A fleeting moment, no matter how quickly passing, was an eternity. It was the moment of Riku’s last heartbeat.

‘Kohei...’ whimpered Yoko, her voice filled with angst. ‘His hand... it’s... cold...’

‘Yoko!’ exclaimed the man and embraced his wife tightly as she opened her mouth to cry, but nothing came. The tears ran freely, but no sound escaped her lips. Filled with the terrible dreading that only a mother who had lost her child could have, half a minute passed before a loud, horrified scream filled the house.

[Alastor]

Oh, come ON! XD is it really that bad? >_<

[DivineBled]

no, i for one thinks it is a very good start

[MissMisa]

Very striking opening, I like it a lot. It flows nicely and is well written, and is descriptive too. Really good job!

[Ubergothicbani]

nice opening, it really catches ur attention

[Alastor]

I have to ask, what do you think this story is about? (this is a question for everyone)

[MissMisa]

Originally Posted by Alastor

I have to ask, what do you think this story is about? (this is a question for everyone)

Wow I'm not too sure, it has a great sense of mystery and enigma to it. I want to know what happens next!

[DivineBled]

I'm not sure either, but the central theme so far seems to be the sick guy?

[LittLeAnqeLAyumi]

Originally Posted by MissMisa

Wow I'm not too sure, it has a great sense of mystery and enigma to it. I want to know what happens next!

i just can agree with the others^______^ the intro is really good,the readers can feel the emotions when u reading it yeah,maybe kind of mystery..about this child..o.O ^^

[Alastor]

I think I need to rephrase my question: What do you think the actual story is about, or centered around, or rather, what kind of story do you think it is? I'm not talking about just the intro I posted, but... yeah ^_^

it's just a teaser or something really, I just felt the need to post some written work here.