What do you think of this passage.

[Salvanas]

Well, a little bit of background first. I need to prove to my English teacher that I'm fit enough to take an... alternative assignment. The assignment is to write a passage in the same style of the Author I have studied. With my own plot's and my own characters.

So I have the write up 3 short stories of my own and turn them in. I'm using my first story on the competition for one of the stories.

Here's another. Tell me what you think so far;

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Executing a perfect kick, Salvan pivoted on his hip and delivered his heel into the side of the man's head. Snorting in distaste at the being's lack of discipline, he lowered his foot onto the slumped form's chest and twisted, crunching the bone sending it into his heart. As he casually brushed himself off, he heard a click. "D-d-don't move!" Another one of the simpleton's had a gun raised to his head. "Or I'll shoot!". Even though he had his back turned to the being, Salvan could smell the sweat... no the fear that the man emanated.

Grinning to himself, Salvan relaxed himself and slowly slid into the shadows of the floor. He could feel the particles of the light, or the lack of it, bouncing off his malleable form. A unique ability, inherited by the Barin house of the vampire race. Relocating himself behind the man who by now stood, his eyes wide with fear, he barely suppressed a chuckle. His arm, agile yet strong, struck the man on the side of the head sending him flying into the wall. The figure fell to the ground in a heap and lay there, crumpled.
"Sloppy killing as always Salvan." A voice came from the doorway behind him.
"You can never help but criticize everything I do, can you, Remiel?" Remiel stepped into the light that lit the room dimly. His jet black hair, slicked back and tied in a ponytail at the back of his head. His expensive and flashy clothes spoke multitudes of his wealth and sense in fashion. His high cheekbones and light blue eyes contrasted well with his long cut black suit, which in turn complimented his mischievous red lips and pale skin.
"What are older brother's for? That is, instead of stealing money from?" A deep chuckle escaped from Remiel's curving lips, and even Salvan could not hold himself from a laugh remembering the countless amounts of times he had stolen money off his brother. Turning into the light, Salvan demonstrated the complexity of their family heritage. Brother's they may be, but they certainly did not look the part. Where Remiel was dark, Salvan was light. Where Remiel was neat and trimmed, Salvan was rough and wild with long blonde hair. Where Remiel wore style, Salvan wore light armour. Their bodies betrayed their strategies and style of fighting aswell. Remiel stood mid statured and slim, and he stood poised, relaxed, yet ready to strike at any given time. Like a panther would be when stalking his prey. Salvan, however, was tall and big built. Muscles corded and rippled across his body, giving him the strength of a bull. Yet strong he might be, but slow was something he was not. Although he lacked the agile quickness that was of second nature to Remiel, he was still quick enough so as not to be clumsy in battle. Salvan held his head high, and with his wide grin and wild blond hair, he looked the part of a prideful lion.

"Come, brother. Father calls us. Let's not leave him waiting any longer." Remiel beckoned and calmly turned and walked out of the room.


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[MMM]

Originally Posted by Salvanas

Well, a little bit of background first. I need to prove to my English teacher that I'm fit enough to take an... alternative assignment. The assignment is to write a passage in the same style of the Author I have studied. With my own plot's and my own characters.

So I have the write up 3 short stories of my own and turn them in. I'm using my first story on the competition for one of the stories.

Here's another. Tell me what you think so far;

--------------------------

Executing a perfect kick, Salvan pivoted on his hip and delivered his heel into the side of the man's head. Snorting in distaste at the being's lack of discipline, he lowered his foot onto the slumped form's chest and twisted, crunching the bone sending it into his heart. As he casually brushed himself off, he heard a click. "D-d-don't move!" Another one of the simpletons had a gun raised to his head. "Or I'll shoot!". Even though he had his back turned to the being, Salvan could smell the sweat... no the fear that the man emanated.

Grinning to himself, Salvan relaxed himself and slowly slid into the shadows of the floor. He could feel the particles of the light, or the lack of it, bouncing of his malleable form. A unique ability, inherited by the Barin house of the vampire race. Relocating himself behind the man who by now stood with his eyes wide with fear, he barely suppressed a chuckle. His arm, agile yet strong, struck the man on the side of the head sending him flying into the wall. The figure fell to the ground in a heap and laid there, crumpled.
"Sloppy killing as always Salvan." A voice came from the doorway behind him.
"You can never help but criticize everything I do, can you, Remiel?" Remiel stepped into the light that lit the room dimly. His hair jet black, and slicked back was tied at the back of his head in a tidy ponytail. His expensive and flashy clothes spoke multitudes of his wealth and sense in fashion. His high cheekbones and light blue eyes contrasted well with his long cut black suit, which in turn complimented his mischievous red lips and pale skin.
"What are older brothers for? That is, instead of stealing money from?" A deep chuckle escaped from Remiel's curving lips, and even Salvan could not hold himself from a laugh remembering the countless amounts of times he had stolen money from his brother. Turning into the light, Salvan demonstrated the complexity of their family heritage. Brothers they may be, but they certainly did not look the part. Where Remiel was dark, Salvan was light. Where Remiel was neat and trimmed, Salvan was rough and wild with long blonde hair. Where Remiel wore style, Salvan wore light armour. Their bodies betrayed their strategies and style of fighting as well. Remiel stood mid statured and slim, and he stood poised, relaxed, yet ready to strike at any given time. Like a panther would be when stalking his prey. Salvan, however, was tall and big built. Muscles corded and rippled across his body, giving him the strength of a bull. Yet strong he might be, but slow was something he was not. Although he lacked the agile quickness that was of second nature to Remiel, he was still quick enough so as not to be clumsy in battle. Salvan held his head high, and with his wide grin and wild blond hair, he looked the part of a prideful lion.

"Come, brother. Father calls us. Let's not leave him waiting any longer." Remiel beckoned and calmly turned and walked out of the room.


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Just a couple typos, style points that might help (in red).

[Salvanas]

Ah yes! Thank you

Could I ask, what did you actually think of the style?

[gravelgill]

your trying to mimick the style right?Might be easier for us to decide if we have a reference for the style your working on.

[emmygirl121]

thats very talented writing,

I like the style, very descriptive, sometimes the dialogue was a little, choppy, but defiantly worth reading

[Salvanas]

This is my own style. I didn't mimic this one. I have to mimic a style in my assignments, but this is in my own to show my tutor how my own work it like.

[Slykaz1]

Like the style,

bouncing of his malleable form.
Is that off or of?

I was almost able to see the sceneraio play out in my mind until I got here......

His hair a jet black, and slicked back was tied at the back of his head in a tidy ponytail.

Try this.....

His jet black hair, slicked back and tied in a ponytail at the back of his head.

Awesome job.

[Salvanas]

Thanks Bahamut and Sly!

[Uriko]

check your pm. PRICK. D: EDIT: j/k<3