Depressed Nightmare.

[Slykaz1]

Okay, I wote this some time ago....
I know....
I posted it in as a poem.
But here's the original story.


There I was sitting in my car and when I had this sudden urge to drive away into the sunset. I pushed the pedal to the metal and blinded from the sun my car hits a bump. A few seconds later a man's torso hit my window. *shatter* The man's torso landed right next to me....I didn't scream I just skidded to a stop and I looked in my mirror first and I saw the man's lower half a few feet behind me. Blood was squirting out every which way. My seat was getting drenched and I thought that I had pi'd my skirt, but it felt gushy warm and I thought that I had gotten my period. I looked down at myself and noticed the blood all over my seat, yet I didn't sceam. "Bi..t..ch" I heard a moaned whisper. I still didn't scream. I looked to my right and saw the man looking at me as he heavily breathed. I stared at him he looked familiar. He wasn't a family member I'm sure of it. I think I had seen his pic before. But I couldn't figure out where........He suddenly out of nowhere grabbed me by the neck. Wow! For an almost dead person he was pretty strong and I tried to back away, but I was not able to get free from his grip and then he tried to......

As he tried to pull me closer to his face my seatbelt wouldn't allow for me to move to the side. "yes!" I thought to myself. "b..ch" he could barely make his words come out. I had thought that by now he were dead. I put both my hands on his chest to try and push him away. But it was no use he had very firm grip on my neck and then his grip started to tighten. "I mmmm me" a surge of panic went throughout my body. "he wants to kill me" I thought to myself. His thumbs were pushing hard into my throat, and for some reason tears started to well up into my eyes, either from pain or fear or maybe both. But I wasn't about to let him kill me. "I'm too young to die." I thought to myself. "hugh hugh hugh." He sounded like he was laughing at me. I tried to pull his fingers, but he was too strong. Maybe I was dying too. I had to fight back and so I.................


I just had to try something or else I'd be dead. And so I hit his elbows ard and it only made it worse his grip was too strong. My face was forced closer to his. I could smell his breath.....he had been chewing ice breaker bubble gum. I had to think of something and quickly my world was about to end. "jeez for a dying man, he's strong." I thought to myself. As my sight began to see my surroundings start to fade away. Then I remembered what my cousin had said once before " hit them right below the frontal rib cage....dead center" I did just that and it worked. He let go of me. And I began to have a cough attack from the lack of air. I felt dizzy and I looked over at him. He was wheezing for life. "I ...ud....u" was what he said before he let out his last breath of life. I was confused. And his body began to violently shake for a few minutes. When it had settled I looked down a the man. And as I got closer to his pale white face I realized who it was.....tears overcame me. "NOOOO!"

[Eiri]

O.o.......cant tell you much.....who was it though? send me a pm

[Salvanas]

Well. Firstly, if this is what happened in your real life, and you just wrote about to let it off your chest, then what I say doesn't count.

However, if you want proper critique, then here it is.

The concept and the story is thought out, and it's a good idea. However, it's pretty obvious that english is not your mother language. The grammar and your description is not the best. But you get your point across, regardless. However, you'll need to work on your description, english and your grammar much more.

Apart from that, good work.

[amuchan]

It was more like a story then poem. There were some slices of humor in it though, the way you put things I mean. But besides that, I really did like it. It really does give off a sense of dread and mixed emotions. 5 stars

The cliffhanger at the end though, I thought before I read the ending, I thought it was going to be your soul or something that was dying. Nice cliffhanger

[VitalStatistic]

Who was it?!
D:

[Hisuwashi]

Fyuck it I know how you feel sis........... i'm sorry about what you gone thro....

[Slykaz1]

Originally Posted by amuchan

It was more like a story then poem. There were some slices of humor in it though, the way you put things I mean. But besides that, I really did like it. It really does give off a sense of dread and mixed emotions. 5 stars

The cliffhanger at the end though, I thought before I read the ending, I thought it was going to be your soul or something that was dying. Nice cliffhanger

This is the poem I was reffering to....

http://www.japanforum.com/forum/389448-post94.html

[amuchan]

Ahh I see. I like the ending, sad tho. : (