Jokes and Poems=Kira_2009 & Ayame90
 

Hey u guyz and gurlz, me and Kira have come up with a fun and relaxing way of startin' ur day off just right.I'v told Coolnard along with some other of my buddies and they've liked the jokes alot.

The whole point of this thread is for u to express urself with postin' a poem or joke or maybe both.
It goes something like this......

Joke: Okay u get pulled over by a cop and he says to u.....
Gee son, ur eyes look red have u been drinkin'.You respond.
Gee officer ur eyes look glazed have u been eating donuts. -Ayame90 Aka Ashley T.

Poem:
Hidden
Hidden by shadow
Blended in the abyss
Shielded from the light -Kira_2009 Aka Ashley A.

So now u should be able to understand how everything is going to be run. The thread is running a little sooner than expected but here it is.:D
Enjoy.lol:mtongue:

wow, u really started one? XD

the cops one really made me laugh.. glazed.. doughnuts... ! XD~!

I knew u'd like that one.lol

She has a lot more...A LOT MORE

I know.(hides in the shadows to come up with more).

Can't wait XD~!

Thats pretty good:)

wow lol, i shld visit this thread mor often XD

that was awesome kanji! :vsign: im cracking up..
sry i dun hv jokes on me now lol.. maybe next time.. :P

Hahahaha! that was great.

Hear try this one
I knew this one gurl who was so stupid that she spent 20 min. on an orange juice box cause it said Concentrate.

LOL, kanji!!! u watch yo mama on mtv too??!! XD~!!!!

ok i've got afew. they'v been stuck in me handphne for awhile lol.. just incase a situation like this comes my way.. :P

Yo mama's so cheap, that when i saw her walking down the street one day with a pig under her arm and asked her how she got it, The pig answered:"I won her at a wrestling match."

Yo mama's so fat, her shadow could cause an eclipse.

Yo mama's so poor, the rainbows she sees are in black and white.

Yo mama's so ugly well.., look at chu!!

XD~!!

X_X owned! lolZ XD

A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"


-----------------------------------------------------------------

Boom boom :D

A man walked into a bar........................................................................ ...................... and said: "ow."

OMG they are all so funny ROFL.

Good news & Bad news:

Doctor: I have some good news and bad new for you.

Patient: Tell me the good one first.

Doctor: You still have one day to live.

Patient: Good Lord!! If that's the good news, what could possibly be worse than that??

Doctor: I've been trying to contact you for that since yesterday.

Waiter joke #1:

Customer: Waiter!! There's a fly in my soup.

Waiter: It's doing the backstroke, sir.

Waiter joke #2:

Customer: Waiter!! I believe this fish is rotten.

Waiter: Bad fish, bad!!

Waiter joke #3:

Customer: Waiter!! Why isn't the food served, yet?

Waiter: A moment, sir. The chef's trying to find his tennis racket.

U r crazy Nard.
Good yo momma jokes too.
U and Kanji.

Book titles and authors jokes:

How to wash your hair by Dan Draft

Beach-visiting by Bee Key Knee

Public-speaking by Mike Row Fone

Basic courtesy by Paul Light

How to do for dummies, huh?

exactly.. XD~!

Here's some jokes:
SHE SO STUPID

She so stupid that she called me to get my number
She so stupid that she thought a quarterback was a refund
She so stupid that she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order

I actually know someone that's tried to do that.... then again.. she was drunk..

love the jokes guys and gals! Kepp it up!:vsign: :pompoms:

- I would slap you but I'm not sure your brain could process the pain.
- He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.
- I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception.
- Darling, when God put teeth in your mouth, he ruined a perfectly good arsehole.
- You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
- The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead.
- What tragedy it is to be just smart enough to know that you are doomed to painful idiocy.
- I worship the quicksand he walks on.
- If wit was chocolate you wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.
- God ruined a perfectly good woman, by putting a dick on him. Twisted Evil
- What are you gonna do for a face when the baboon wants his ass back?
- The only difference between you and a bucket of shit is the bucket.
- You are living proof that man can live without a brain.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level, and beat you with experience.
- I'd challenge you to a battle of wits but I see you're unarmed.
- Here is some money, call someone who cares.
- Faith is not a function of stupidity but a frequent cause of it.
- I sometimes think of what future historians will say of us. A single sentence will suffice for modern man: he fornicated and read the papers.
- God made rivers, God made lakes, God made you, well, we all make mistakes.
- "I'm sorry I'm late"
"Dont apologize. I'm sorry you're alive"
- If I wanted to hear from an asshole I'd fart.
- Hey, you're pretty quick... then again I guess I'd be pretty quick too if I spent the first nine-months of my life dodging a coat hanger.
- Are you a polititcian or does lyin' just run in your family?
- Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your man seems to think so too.
- Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.
- God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you!
- If you can't laugh at yourself, there's always someone there to show you how it's done.
- It's nice to be stupid, but it's stupid to be nice.
- While there's no 'I' in team, there's also no 'you', okay? So back off.

Enjoy.

Here's some of mine... I hope no one fines any of them offensice! ;p lol

~ A magician was driving down the road,then he turned into a drive way.
~ Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says: "Man it's hot in here!!!!" The other muffin exclaims, "Look a talking muffin!!!!"
~ Where do you find a one legged dog? Where you left it.
~ What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff
~ Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death
~ Don't Steal....The Government hates Competition
~ Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
~ I love cats...they taste just like chicken!
~ A blonde walks into a bar.....
~ I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
~ Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

I'm sprry but I had to post some. lol

Lol, they were pretty funny :p

I especially love these
Although I don't really know you that well.., I still hope to see more of your jokes, SweetSuicide! XD~!

haha thanks. I kinda know you because you were in that long sotry thingy. My friend is in it that's how I know you're name lol. But yea... more to come soon. BTW. anyone like Dane Cook? if no one know's him,i'll put some of his jokes up here... they're really good!

Help yourself :D. I`m happy you enjoyed them.

Dane Cook jokes (part 1 of 2)

CAR ACCIDENT:
We love car accidents in this country. We're obsessed with car accidents!
I know your like me, its like 2 in the morning, it's dead quiet.
Your in you're house watching tv, your in bed.
All of a sudden outside at the corner you hear.
SCREECH
Damnit! Shit that sounded like it was going to hit.
You always want it to hit. SCREECH. Come on! Nothing! Uh.
Then when you finally hear the crash your psyched, its like,
Screech where are my shoes? Yes, where are my shoes?
Have you seen my shoes? Fuck it, i'm going out without shoes.
I'm going out shoeless. Right, you come out of you're house,
all you're neighbours are coming out, everyones coming out,
your like waving at each other. You're psyched to see each other,
come on! Lets go, you wanna go together?
Come on lets go, you me and you, no no, you wait for the next group,
you wait for the next group. We'll go as a team, no no you wait,
you wait for the next group.
Then you get out there, its no big deal,
but everyone stands out there for like, 2 extra hours.
Its over, no ones hurt or anything but everyone has to stay out there.
Even if its hot everyone acts like its cold and shit. Hey, whats up (chilly).
Just had to see what was going on.
And It doesn't matter who you start talking to,
I guarantee everyone is having the same exact conversation.
No matter who you get into it with, all anybody is saying like back
and forth is like, Yeah, yeah well no I was in my kitchen,
and i heard it so i came out. You were in your living room?
I was in my kitchen cleaning a dish. I heard it, I came out.
What you were in you're basement? He was in his living,
I was in the kitchen cleaning a dish, I was really cleaning,
and I heard it so i came out. What? Shoes? No, no, Fuck shoes!
Haha shoes, hahaha listen to this guy with shoes.
Hahaha you, Shoes, over here.
And everyone always wants to be a part of like the police,
you know what I mean. We always wanna be involved,
we wanna talk to the cops when ever they come to your, you know,
Officer, yeah yeah, I'm sorry,yeah I just want you to know,
if it helps in your investigation, I was in my kitchen, and i heard it,
so I came out. I will testify in court I was cleaning a dish,
I will bring the dish as exhibit A. And this guy, he was in his basement.
Tell him what you told me, tell him what you told me,
Thats not what he told me, he's lying, thats not what you told me.


SLIP 'n' BLEED:
We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember.
My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause
we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing.
It was yellow, you layed it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water,
run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would of been fun if dad checked for
rocks before he layed it down! Slip n' Bleed from the aaaaanus they
shoulda called this ride. I was like watch this Ma!
*slide* *scream* NOOO! *scream*
Yeah... Luckily I was wearing that pad.
*applause*
I like that one. You don't have to. This is for me. I was a weird kid man.
I had some troubles. I had some problems man. I had some PROB-LEMS.

SPEAK 'N' SPELL:
couldn't spell when I was a little kid, I couldn't spell.
So my parents were all concerned so they went down to the uh toy store.
They bought me a little red box called Speak... n' spell.
You remember that? Speak n' spell?
They shouldn't have called it speak and spell.
What they should've called it was Speak... Like the Devil!
Remember the voice A-E-I-O-U. What was that? A-B-C-D-
*punch, scream* That thing was evil. L-M-N-.
That thing would wake me in the middle of the night like 2 in the morning...
Play with me! Get up, I wanna spell right now! I'm 8 years old.
I spell great. I talk like a freak.
I'm like...Mom, something is wrong! Something is W-R-O-N-G, wrong.

More to come soon!

THE ATHEIST
I was standing in line at the movie theatre one day and some dude comes up to me and just sneezes in my face! like no blockin his face or anything, just coked and sneezed, two things happened, it just scared effin livin outa me, cuz it was very audible very loud. and not only that just the the light was hitting this guys face DEBRIS came out! a wad o stuff just like when you use winde and you put it on mist-mode, as opposed to that other mode, what is that laser mode does anyone even use that? is that in case you wanna mount a sniper scope on your windex?

Back to the sneeze... and by this time im mad, and grossed out. nd i first thought o im gonna go off on this guy, but i said hey matt take the high road be polite, and i said this, "god bless you" very sarcastically, almost like saying "cover your effing mouth"... and it gets worse, he goes "uhh yea, im an atheist" what a jerk right? i dont know nor do i care if your an atheist, what am i supposed to say when an atheist sneezes, "when you die nothing happens." he starts making fun of my religion, and he goes "lemme askyou this what do you think happens to you after you die?" and i came back with "well hopefully i live a good life and my soul goes to heaven, and all my relatives wiull be waving to me like its an airport". and hes laughing at me. so I flipped out, "what happens to you after YOU die?"

he comes back with "well I will die and become a huge beautiful tree." yea, hes laughing at me, hes gonna come back as a ficus. But lemme say this, I HOPE when he dies he does become a tree. I hope hes enjoying his tree life, then one day a huge sweaty guy with an axe comes in and chops him down SMASH! put a chain around him drag him through the mud and the muck, throw him into a saw mill grind him up! and then ya pound him down into paper!

and once hes paper, you print the BIBLE ON HIM!!!!

Tire Murdered Mary:

Did you see that clip they were like showing the other day on uh ESPN or whatever. They were showing like the best crazy accidents or something. It was like the best of the worst car you know like. They showed this one clip man . If you saw this this was nuts. The two cars go around the corner and they like catch each other they start to roll. The tire flys into the stands, hit's a woman in the face! And when you first saw it you were like OOOOOO! That tire just hit that woman in the in the face! Oh good they're showin' it again Look Look Look Look at this right here. Slow it down..yeah that's when it hits her in the face. And the funny thing is everybody around the lady like dove out of there. Everyone got out of there but she just like sits there like. You see everyone dives and at the last minute as the tire is rocketing at her
face. This is her defense. She goes OOOOO! Like she's just gonna get in a slap fight with a Goodyear. Like she's just gonna go PAH and deflect it.
Or maybe she just palmed it PAH. There can only be one Highlander! Tires cannot defeat me! What a horrible way to go...What happened to Mary? A tire... hit her in the face. How do you say that without laughing. A tire- I can't even do it now! How did Mary die? A TIRE hit her in the FACE! What was she doing putting her face near tires? No no no no this tire hunted Mary down. This tire murdered Mary. This tire wasn't fucking around as we like to say. This tire was out for vengeance. I don't wanna die with a tire hitting me in the goddamn face

lol
dave chepelle

"its a celebration bitches"


is this actuall quotes or jokes?

Guza u r crazy.
Here is a quote:I had sex with a scarecrow
I have some more but can't remember them so i'll tell u them later.