Battle For Haruki- A Ten Part Adventure)

[WhoIsDaffy]

i will only add that perhaps you should change the start.

you are starting with a generic mystery - but its too early for me to care about the characters, or know anything about them,

also you begin building your universe in a school with a bored teenager - which is a bit boring.

try to grab your readers by the short and curly's right from the off.

if you look at most stories they all start with something exciting happeneing.
tom clancy - rainbow 6 - amazing first chapter - highjacking of airplane
Shakespear - romeo and J - starts with a fight scene
hitchikers guide - the earth gets destroyed

the biggining should really have the readers thinking,
"WOW, now what are they going to do?!!"

also a nice way to describe characters is subtly. and add some urgency into it.

e.g.
as soon as they were in the coridoor and away from prying eye's the mysterious man dressing in a tux grabbed Kimomo *(kyoko??) by the arm and began to run with a speed un matched by any human. his spiky orange hair pushed back by the blurring speed at which they were running.
They burst through a fire exit, sending the red double doors flying off thier hinges like leaves in the wind. yadda yadda yadda

[manganimefan227]

Wow, I must say, For once you said something in an absoulutely nice way O.O (As faras I've seen) So thank you for ze advice