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Poetry
Ok, you can post new poetry On here I didn't check the forum for any other Poetry Threads so if there is another you can close this one but anyways. Here's one of mine.
Perfect Harmony When I felt your Warm lips press against Mine... It was heaven As I felt your Body press against Mine... I smile, we drifted Drip, drip What's that noise? I opened the bathroom Door... I saw you, perfect poise, Blood dripping from your, Neck... A shallow cold pool Of blood Drip, drip, Tears filled my eyes, One flowed down my cheeks My knees, fell to the ground I stared upon your face, When I felt your Warm lips press against Mine... It was heaven As I felt your Body press against Mine... I smile, we drifted. |
Wa.... Never would have expectec you to be so poetic, mazar-san.. :eek:
Awesome poem.. *drip drip* Oh, that was my tears.. im touched, lol.. :D |
lol, thanks I've written over 40 poems so far..But They are at my house and I wrote this one today.
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wow... really good. I'm gonna post one lol.
A Wonderful World The nights grow longer The days grow colder Wishing time would stop Faking a smile everyday Of her horrible life She tries so hard To hide the scars She sits in school Dreading going home Knowing what waits Once she enters Those horrible gates She dreams of the day She'll finally be free To be carefree and loved Not hated and scorned She comes and leaves school Fighting tears back everyday Wishing someone could help But also knowing that price That would be paid if so As she sits there and dreams Her eyes start to tear Wishing no on could hear The sad, sorry tears She dreams about death In this cold lonely place Never knowing true love Or what it could have been She tries so hard To hide the scars Faking a smile everyday Of her horrible lie Because the nights They grow longer And the days They grow colder But then, that Wonderful day came She was finally free And all her dreams Turned into reality She was finally happy She cried no more tears all of her fears simply disappeared |
I like it SweetSuicide it's awesomemest. ^.^
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Oki doki ..So, I`m not posting on your topic because I`m an kisser and feel the urge to comment on your poem because you commented on mine. I posted so late because I didn`t know what to write to you and I didn`t wanted to make it a lame post (seriously lack of sleep makes me think better :) ) .So here goes nothing: I liked your poem ..and if it`s not about suicidal love ..than I`m lost ..it`s a little simplistic and doesn`t leave too much room to interpretations ..my opinion :o
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The Dreading
Uncontrollable vengeance Fighting to restrain Knowing anger and grievance Never-ending pain Feel my dreading Clenched fists Challenging glares Rage is just the gist Of my gritted bare Feel my dreading Wanting to stop it To just freeze everything Comes back to haunt Coldness of the world sings Feel my dreading Death descends Ever-impending doom The prophecy of end Hidden in the gloom Feel my dreading Hatred manipulates Trapped in one's body The darkness escalates Can't break free Feel my dreading Tales of the dead Awakening the worst Resisting my fate But unable to curse Feel my dreading One last hope Life seeps in As you try to grope Just to find a helpless grin Feel my dreading Falling out of love That hope is lost As my bleeding heart lurks In the shadow of yours I dread... |
OOOHHHH, Cooly...getting chills, nicely done!! It is so awesome...:D
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Heh, I made it up on the spot but thanks.. I guess it's cuz i'm feeling like this now.. >_<"
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WTF???!!??? Aieeeeeeeeeeeeee! Help! Help! He's after me! He's gonna kill me... It's him It's him! I know it's him..
*Takes of cross, does some warding signs, drinks holy water (and some brandy for good measure) and sprinkles it all over (the holy water that is) starts chanting about sheperd and sheep and little bow beep... the warm air surrounds him yet he shudders :coldbear:* My god CN! Vividly descriptive...! Wonderful poetry! Since you also asked for an expert opinion here are a couple of tips: 1. Your rhyme scheme is very good but you didn't stick to meter very well. That would have taken this already excellent poem to the next level. Meter basically denotes the count of syllables (as pronounced not read) per line. The first verse started out as a 3 syllable meter per line but the second verse and thereafter deviated and came back in spurts. 2. Lucid imagery but its spread a little thin. You could add a couple more verses in between to even out the flow, coz otherwise it might appear a bit disjointed. Take verses 2, 3 and 4 for example. Verse 2 talks about your feeling toward someone or something else. Verse 3 jumps to how you wish to feel about yourself while verse 4 jumps immediately to something that describes the moment from a third perspective. Now, this sort of jump can sometimes be good, but you need to have more lines per verse to make it good so that when the reader does make a jump, a trail of smooth thought settles behind. Just my two cents worth, hope I didn't say something wrong :o... I'll say it again, it's brilliant poetry and I'd just love to see you write some more too *Rushes off to phone publishers on this profitable deal* |
So I just made two mistakes then? XD~! Whew.. not bad for a first-timer eh? That was better than I expected =P
Thanks for the pointers, Aoshi-kun! I'd love to read your works of poetry too :D |
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P.S:- They weren't mistakes... A mistake is when you do it wrong. This was just a case when it could be even better! :vsign: |
Right, thanks :vsign:
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It could never measure up to your standards, Insane-sama XD but thanks either way :D
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me and nard decided to both make a poem based on the same themes..and this was what we came up with..
nard's: Still got many words I haven't said to you Still got a lot of gifts which I haven't given Parting ways is always so sudden Sometimes without even a clue Why it happened Even before I revealed everything How much tears you must have shed alone A fool I am for not knowing My self-ignorant acts I simply cannot condone Only you, when I'm not talking Know what my hearts wants to say just by looking in my eyes Only you who hears my blessings Know fully well this is not the reason my heart cries Afraid of letting you discover that to make you stay is my plan Forgetting my passionate pleas Love and lies go hand in hand Indulging in ridiculous fantasies Remember you said that when I'm by your side Anywhere on Earth is heaven Smiling brightly like a child without pride You lighted up my grey and dim den Only you, when I'm not speaking Know what my hearts wants to declare by observing my trends Only you who hears me wishing Know fully well this is not what my heart intends Please don't go, living is impossible without you My whole life revolves around your existence You will forever be my one and true Although in front of you I may appear clumsy The sole reason is because of my failure to behold The dazzling miracle that is you and mine: when the day loses it's light and the emptiness turns cold like an eagle in full flight you leave me with no-one to hold not a whisper was spoken not a single tear fell like a falling vase - it's broken this enchantent over - a useless spell how could these have eluded me how could i possibly oversaw the tempest in the calmest seas and the thief at the door i want so much to make you stay yet i know not how perhaps this is the price i must pay but all i know is i need you now i remeber that in my arms you spoke that heaven was enveloped within upon those words now i choke and pray forgiveness for my sin i realize now that you are my sun that that very heaven was you without which my world seems dun veiled in darkness and lost in the blue somehow you seem to know what i'm saying just by looking me in the eye you know full well just what i'm praying so is this how we say goodbye all my life i'm wondered if miracles were true and i wonder why i've never been shown but now i understand, for now i've known that the most beautiful miracle, was you well..if you've read it you'll see that what's in mine is basically the ideas from his, and tt's because he made me make a poem based on his..-.- o well..happy happy joy joy..lalalalala..oro *.* |
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