Girlfriend Trouble
 

I have a problem. My Japanese girlfriend keeps threatening to leave me if I don't save more money. She is 35 and lives with her parents. I am 37. She is a permanent company employee and I am a temporary worker. I try to defend myself by saying I have more expenses to pay and that as a foreigner it is very difficult to find a permanent position in Japan. She says she cannot see a future with someone with little savings and an unstable job. I should add that I used a large part of my savings on graduate school and have not been able to replace them yet with a well paid position. My girlfriend only attended two year college and has never left home. She often stays at my place and does buy household items and food occasionally. She also pays for herself when we go out. She also says that basically she believes a man should support his wife after marriage. I feel it is unlikely that I can have a modern 50/50 style marriage with this person. She has also mentioned that she is better at managing money than I am, despite the fact that she hands over all her paycheck to her mum and is given spending money that can be refreshed if necessary. She said she doesn't even know how much money she has in the bank! She is good with money and I know it is not so strange to live at home until marriage in Japan, but really! It's hard to take criticism from a women that is not yet living in the real world. What do you guys think?

No permanent position, no marriage. You could be let go and sent home any minute.

She is 35 and is looking for stability...and you aren't bringing it.

i think thats a little harse. maby u should start looking for a well paying job in your country then propose the idea of her leaving japan and living with u there. or maby u aint on dat hustle hard enuff. i mean honestly if u are 37 u should have at some point figured out how to manage your accounts and keep the misses happy. if shes worth then u should be able to find away to make your life work.

She's 35 and she's living with a her mother who redistributes her earnings? And you haven't reached stability at the age of 37?

I'm sorry but I just can't see a win-win combination here.

quite simply it seems that you are both looking for different things in your lives, and you already seem to be drifting apart...

i'd say cut your losses and find someone who shares your sentiments and is a little more understanding of your financial situations and your life asperartions

There is no stability in Japan if you are a foreigner. At 35 years old, she is not considered a catch in Japan, there is a reason she has not married before. I think you should look for a more modern thinking partner. Nowadays both partners need to work to get by, especially in Japan with the high cost of living.

Sorry to hear that , but its really unfortunate , may be you should find girl friend back home.

well it looks like your out of luck, there will be other women,
and you should get your priorities straight b4 worrying about her.

1) NEVER let a woman pay herself. I'm not saying that because I'm a girl, but because it's generally rude.

2) I agree with her. But marriage is not just husband and wife supporting each other. There has to be other values. Besides, in a relationship both parties have to support each other whether they're married or not.

3) Then what is actually your problem? That you don't want to face what you actually just wrote... right there? The solution is right in front of you. You cannot see yourself married to this person.. then what are you wasting your time for?

she's getting practical and do not see love as priority. Having a fling and having s serious relationship is different for Japanese Woman.

dude DUMP HER ASS !!

If one person wants a more old school relationship but the other wants a more modern relationship; that's a recipe for calamity lol. Neither party will be getting what they want out of the relationship. That's never healthy.

This.

Though in your defense, she's 35 and still dependant. A tad odd I'd say.

Despite being a foreigner, I find it hard to believe that there's no way for you to ground yourself over there, short of changing your citizenship.

Hi all
 

I think you should come back home because you are 37 yrs old and job market will get increasingly difficult for you because of your age. You should start thinking about opening your own business and going on your own. You can stay in Japan and learn Japanese fluently so it becomes an asset on your way back home. What did you study in college?

A job that doesnt allow you to save money, its not a job. Dont get fooled. In the US, I would say that 40% of the jobs are like that. These are modern disposable jobs. Jobs that come and go. Good jobs take time to come and competition is tough to get these jobs.

You must think about how to save money. Find out a way. No savings means no progress. I am not talking only in Japan but also in the US.

Relationships are more than love. Love will not last long if your financial situation is not stable.

It is up to her to hold you or dump you. She is in a stronger position. So, enjoy her company while she is willing to hold you and expect her to dump you any minute. Face the situation like an adult, you are just learning to deal with these situations and learning what it takes. Take it easy. You are not ready yet and it is not your fault. Its life.

Once you get a real job, getting a girfriend is just a piece of cake.

You passed the romantic phase and now you are getting into the practical phase. Probably, you have dated her for a year or so...right?

Keep your head up, you are a United States citizen!!

LOL dude u posess a great wisdom ! :D

My wife has friends like this, and the bottom line she's made it clear what she needs and you're going to have to accept it or be prepared to move on. Every person has different values, and these are hers. Hypocrisy and irony are irrelevant here.

Look at it from her perspective. She's 35 and is open to settling down if she finds a guy that can provide a stable life. You've been dating a while, and if you're not that guy both of you need to move on because time's ticking. It's for your good too!

It's over
 

Thanks for your comments guys, it's great to hear your views. Well, she dumped me. She told me she was totally frustrated and disasatisfied at not being able to go on foreign holidays with me and also felt unstable about the future as I wasn't saving enough money. I took an extra job to help with all the things I have to cover each month but told her it was still going to be difficult to save and do trips. Because of the recession it's getting really tough out here but discussing these things was falling on deaf ears. Oh well, it was a good lesson. It made me realize that you shouldn't really start a relationship until you are financially secure and also to avoid those thirty-something Japanese girls that live at home, look great but are looking for someone to pay the bills rather than a real partnership. No bitterness, a lesson learnt!

every relationship that ends teaches you a lesson bruh
now u know
get them funds up my man,and try it again. she wont be the last woman, there are PLENTY. get yourself settled first.

Thanks for the update.

You have to watch out for those mid-30 girls who live at home... otherwise known as parasite singles. Some of them are grasping at straws in a desperate attempt to reach financial stability before they become 売れ残り.

I attended a 婚活 last year (long story) and although there was tons of eye candy to drool over, almost all of the girls I met were living at home. I knew that the concept of people in their mid-30's living at home isn't exactly eye-raising as it is in N.America but that's where I drew the line. Some of the girls were close to 40 and had never lived outside of their home. :confused:

Japanese girls living at home
 

Yeah, it is so hard to stomach criticism and demands from these women, especially as a foriegner trying to make it in Japan. My ex was actually divorced and had gone back to her parents' house. She initiated the divorce. She told me that after that she hoped to travel and do lots of fun things but couldn't as I didn't have enough money. I actually asked her to move in with me but she said that she couldn't do that until we were serious about marriage. She couldn't tell her mother she was serious about marriage with a guy who had no stability. Anyway, I let the living together thing drop until she had a big fight with her mother about her brother's money problems (her mother was paying off his debts for him), and now wanted to leave home. She looked at a couple of places and did the math, then realized there was now way she could afford it. She then asked me if she could move in with me. I was less than enthusiastic but wanted to help her out. Finally she patched things up at home and never mentioned living together again. In the end she dumped me because after constantly complaining about me not treating her to holidays or expensive restaurants. I reminded her that she had actually gone abroad last year on a shopping trip to Hong Kong with her friends. I had just been told that my contract would not be extended and was job hunting at the time so it woudn't have been too sensible to go. I mentioned that if the situation had been reversed I probably would have offered to pay for her but she had not even thought it insensitive to go shopping abroad. I also recall how at the time she proudly showed me her pay slip with summer bonus. I'm a tempstaff worker who gets no bonus.
I can't really imagine what happens to these kind of women. They are hardly a catch (divorced and over 35) have expensive tastes and are often pretty much controlled by their parents. She lied every weekend to stay over as she couldn't possibly tell her parents she was staying with me. She wasn't that good looking but had great hair, reasonable figure (tennis lessons nearby) and loads of nice clothes, jewellery, bags and shoes. I suppose an older sugar daddy would think her young and be happy to treat her but most 30-40 year old guys would probably find her really demanding and spoilt. Anyway, Japan has produced this situation with its gender inequality (they have no choice but to find rich husbands or live at home) so I guess the birthrate says it all. The catch is, even if they do hook a rich guy, he's out working or seeing other women, then too tired to have sex when he gets home. Man, this country is in trouble....

Sounds like you dodged a bullet OP. I'm sure once you've sorted out your own life you'll find a lady who's better suited to your personality and lifestyle.
:vsign:

Actually more and more women are making money and living on their own. The reason the birthrate has dropped is because people are waiting longer to get married, and having a child is an expensive proposition that fewer can afford when the economy is on a downswing.

I think you are really oversimplifying the issues.

I did a little internal facepalm when I read that, as well.

My girlfriend moved out of her parent's house when she was 20, and has been working as a secretary, paying her own way through life ever since.

But I can't touch on the children thing, I don't have any children. That I know of.

Going as far as saying there is something wrong with her, being the reason she's never been married is completely inappropriate, there could be tens of millions of reasons why she's never married, Japanese citizen or not.
*facepalmed*

I just need to get something off my chest.
You... are a genuine idiot.

Every sentence in you're entire post, especially these, made me facepalm beyond recognition.

Needless to say, you have never been in love. And with this kind of Bull Crap floating around in your head, you never will be. But.... I got a chuckle out of this, and for that, I thank you.

Gahh...lemme just quote it again....

LOLOLLOLOOOLLOLOLOLOLOLL!!!!!!!!!!111111oneoneoneoneleven

That is a threat and is paramount to domestic violence.

You don't need to "defend" yourself, it is not a "war".

I can agree with her somewhat, although that depends on your personality and who you really are and what you are wanting out of the relationship.

Are you using her money?

She doesn't care!

That's normal.

That's good if you can't afford it, but maybe she wanst a different connection.

Nothing wrong with that as I also believe a wife could (not should) support her husband after marriage.
She must be old fashioned, although at 35, she will meet that criteria in Japan.

I am also feeling that from what you are saying, and the early days appear to display many serious barriers of not being able to share.
Trust just seems to be lacking which will only linger now they have set.


I can't see anything wrong if she can manage money better than you, true or not, but is that the REAL problem here? Is she supporting her mum financially or is she simply not able to manage her funds?


That tells us something!

Sounds like a contradiction.

That comment will spell disaster in your relationship both out loud or a silent feeling.

Choice 1:
I already expressed my thought's fairly blatantly, but they were certainly honest.
The time is right to end the relationship, their are to many barriers and bad feelings up and running, and it will get worse, as much I would not want it to for you. It seems you are not at all understanding her and she same about you. You are not seeing eye to eye with anything.

Sometimes in relationships, couples cannot see eye to eye, you of course have the added attraction of culture between you two, this will only add to the pressure, my feeling is, it will not work, don't let it linger and hope the problem will dissapear as it seems that it will explode.

Choice 2:
Listen to her opinions without jumping the gun. You need to listen to her more than she listens to you. You need to Get a job and fast with a regular income so she feels more secure with you. You need to let her be the accountant and banker, and you need to be on the receiving end constantly when things go wrong and prove that you can agree and understand her.

I can't see anything wrong with number two, but of course you are two and you are different.

if you are not the type to accept what she wants and is doing, it will never work. We know from what you have said that she is certainly not udnerstanding you, although she has clearer reasons, and this appears to be focussed on money, although it could also be a confidence situation.

Neither of you are "wrong or right", it's just a difference scenario.

G:):)d luck in whichever direction you head.

......................................

HAHAHA !

You label your own girlfriend. What a sham.

You do realize that the top 3 causes of marriage failure are MONEY, sex and communication right?

I know that you're just a teenager living at home but once you move out and face the realities of financial responsibility, I'm sure that you'll realize how money can stress out a relationship.

Then it's not REAL love. If this does happen, then there was no love involved in the relationship to begin with.

And I know you're a you know what who thinks he knows every little thing about every little thing, and who feels the need to bring people current living status and or age involved whenever he directs a comment towards someone, as if therefore rendering the individual uneducated, or just down right wrong

What you say might be true, marriages fail all the time due to financial problems, I'm not arguing with that. But if two people REALLY love each other, then nothing is an issue to either of them. Not sex, money, personal beliefs, etc. Hopefully you'll find one day and you'll realize what I'm saying. Or since I'm living with my parents I guess that means I have no clue what I'm saying and I'm a complete idiot. Man, lemme see if I can find this "submit reply" button, but since I'm so stupid it'll be hard for me.......hmm....

the top cause of marriage failure is stupid people

OMG. I 100% agree with that!!!!!

No, I definitely don't know it all. I'm on this forum to soak up as much information as possible before making my decision to move to Japan.

I just found it necessary to jump in when I noticed an ill-informed user like yourself calling another user an idiot - something I'd never lower myself to do.

How many times have you been in love? I was in love with my first girlfriend back when you were a microorganism in your fathers nutsack. Does that make me an expert? Of course not, but I've experienced what it feels like to be in love (several times over), I've experienced how it can cloud your judgment and I've experienced how it can destroy you when it fails.

I'm pretty sure that every newly married couple would've told you that they REALLY loved each other before they eventually ended up as a statistic in the ever growing divorce rate. (Which is a staggering 40% to 50%.)

Love is definitely a strong bond but poor finances can easily erode even the strongest of relationships. Maybe you'll come to realize that someday.

from my eyes, even in marriages that succeed, those people dont really love each other. seems to me 99.9% of people have no idea what love is. marriages fail because people fail.

Wow.

Spicytuna..... You are so beyond knowing anything about love, it's not even funny. To even state the words statistics and love in the same sentence just tells me pretty straight forward you are, indeed, completely lost in all of this. Love isn't about stastics, I'm sorry your spring fling relationships did work out, really I am, maybe if you were rich she would have thrown herself all over you.

Marriages fail everyday because of financial problems. I'm not against this statement in anyway. But marriages revolved around LOVE, with LOVE as the center center point, do NOT fail because of money. If a marriage fails because of money, then it was a loveless marriage, simple as that.

If she loves you, and you love her, then money is no issue at all, you'll find a way to be together. No, I'm not lost in some fairy tale true love Romeo and Juliet daydream. If you're both broke, then of course it will be difficult to be together, but if love is involved, then you will find a way to make it work, money or no money.

I do understand what you're saying, but it is wrong. I think someone must have really done some damage to you before, lol. One day you'll stop moping around and embarrassing yourself by saying "finance can destroy love."

Do you think such LOVE can never fail? If it isn't money, what can fail it?

why do you think it must fail?