I really need help from the fathers out there.

[Salvanas]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I feel like this is the best place.

But many people know me of old from this forum, and they know I'm usually a sensible logical person when it comes to most things in life. However I'm in a huge hole at the moment, and I desperately need some advice and support.

Well, I'm going to be a father. Not of choice, but it's no longer in my power. My GF doesn't want to abort, and I won't force her. I can't run from it, however much I would want to, but I have to take responsibility for this and somehow make it work.

I'm 20, and my GF is 19. We're both in the first year of University, and my parents don't agree to the child. They want to pull me out of University and make me subscribe to a Uni in London instead of my current which is in Wales. Basically, it was a "if you have this child, you lose your family."

I've come to realise that I need to help look after this child, but I can't help but feel I've lost feelings for my GF at the same time. I've now gotten to the point where I have taken it in stride, and am living with the fact that I have to be a father.

But I still can't help but feel like I've lost everything. My family, my life, my dreams.

Are there any fathers out there, that have had the same experiences? Or even just some tips, or any help?

[dogsbody70]

Hmm no doubt many men have been in this predicament. Maybe if there had been contraception you would not be in this predicament.
what about the girl/ Its an even bigger situation for her as she has to carry the child and give birth to him or her.

what's the saying If you don't like the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

Many men just abandon the poor girl--------- cowards way out and depriving the child of a father.


If your parents are putting pressure on you-- I don't think much of them.

too many gr parents have done that in the past-- forgetting that actually the child would be their grand child.


you need to discuss it properly really but please do not abandon the mother or the child.

you may guess that I am female. who was an abandoned child.

[Salvanas]

Contraception was used. The condom split, and then she took the pill, which didn't seem to help there.

[RobinMask]

Hi Salvanas.

I just wanted to say that it's extremely admirable for you to want to take responsibility like this and step up to the plate. What's done is done, and you can't change that, so I think people's criticisms about contraception is uncalled for - what matters is, like you said, moving forward and onward with things. There are so many men (and women) who would neglect their responsibilities or abandon the child, the fact you are willing to do right by your girlfriend and her child shows (to me) great bravery and maturity.

It's a very difficult situation you're in. There are many adults who struggle to raise children, so to do so in the first year of university certainly has my sympathy and support, because it will be a very trying time for you. I just hope that you don't give up on your education, or your girlfriend gives up on hers! You'll need that education to help you in life, and make raising a child so much easier, and to leave education now would be such a shame.

I do agree with Dogsbody on her stance about your family though. If your family love you then they should support you no matter what, so perhaps their ultimatum was merely said in stress or worry? It'll be best - as said - to perhaps talk with them and try to work out your options and position, perhaps to even bring your girlfriend into the dialogue and work out what your plans are between the two of you and your future with the child. It's a very difficult path ahead of you, but you have to do what's right for you and the child. No one knows your situation or self better than you do, and only you can say for sure what will work, and whatever happens you have to live with your choices, so make sure you make choices that feel right for you.

Ah, I'm not a father, and my advice probably seems a little cliche or vague, but I do wish you the best for your future, and I hope that it all turns out for the best in the long run.

[Nyororin]

Not a father, but I`ll offer up my opinions on this.

First, try not to let this change your feelings for your girlfriend. It is not her fault this is happening... Or at least not any more than your own. And in the end, she`ll be getting the short end of the stick - at the very least physically. You`re both in this together, and should be turning to each other for support. No one else is going to be the parent of your child - it`s just the two of you together. It may be tempting to let your frustration with the situation translate into frustration with her, but it`s kind of along the lines of a child lashing out at anything and anyone when something goes wrong. In the end it will only make things worse.

Second - having a child is NOT the end of life and dreams. I can`t comment on family as, well, every family is different. If your parents are going to basically disown you for choosing to take responsibility for your own child (and their grandchild!)... It is their loss. Chances are they`re just very disappointed that this has happened, but will deal with it and potentially be the most devoted grandparents down the line. The news no doubt shocked them, and they are likely panicking just as much as you are.

Life goes on pretty much normally after having a child. Children don`t stop people from fulfilling their dreams. They don`t stop them from going on with life.

I was married when I got pregnant, but had dreams, plans, a life that I was very happy with. I was 23, so not all that incredibly far from you in age.
We`d actually talked about having a baby. We sort of wanted a baby, but weren`t going to really try for one. We sort of mutually decided that if I did get pregnant then we would have the baby.
What do you know - I got pregnant less than a month after having that discussion.

It was horrifying. It honestly felt like nothing could EVER be the same after having a baby in my life. It felt as if my relationship with my husband would completely go down the drain, any dreams I had would end as impossible dreams, and that I would lose everything in life that I had worked for and was happy with.
I`m sure that this isn`t too far off from what you`re feeling.

But we went through with it. There was many a sleepless night where I was crying or worrying so much that I thought I would throw up from the stress.

The baby came early, whole load of complications, etc etc, so spent the first 5 months of life in the hospital. Life didn`t change at all except for daily visits to the hospital.
When discharge came around, it was the whole deal over again. I am pretty sure I spent the whole day before discharge crying. I spent the week before trying to fit in as many of those things I thought I would never be able to do after a baby came along. We went on late night car trips. We went out nearly every day to eat. Anything I could think of that I saw as an impossibility with a child I tearfully pushed myself to do.

But once the baby came home, things didn`t really change all that much. I can`t really think of anything that changed drastically. I think we avoided going to places where people were smoking a lot because, well, it`s not good for a baby and ours had particularly weak lungs.

There is a saying that people kept saying to me here - If you can feed two, you can feed three.
Children aren`t the center of the world. Sure, parents can make them that, but it doesn`t have to be that way. Children can be little add-ons and additions to the life of the parent. This is something I couldn`t imagine until I actually experienced it. I don`t live for my son. He is a part of my life.

[dogsbody70]

Originally Posted by Salvanas

Contraception was used. The condom split, and then she took the pill, which didn't seem to help there.

sorry if I was harsh.

[dogsbody70]

University of Worcester - Childcare (3 months – 16 years)

Do the Universities have Creches? I certainly would hope so.


I hope your parents will come round- such a shame if they do not. It used to happen in the old days so many babies went for adoption-- but I thought modern parents were far more accomodating.

[Ronin4hire]

Originally Posted by MissMisa

Personally I think it's pretty awful your girlfriend is forcing you to keep a child you had no intention of keeping. (Old people will tell you OMG IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU GOTTA HAVE BABIES ETC but yeah.) If someone forced me to have a child, I'd be really upset/pissed off. Which I'm sure in some ways you are. She's 19, she sounds pretty stupid for wanting to keep it at that age when you are at University. (Seems like a selfish thing to do with morals or something, I don't know.) That is probably going to be controversial and judgemental but that was my initial reaction for you.

I'm going to have to agree here.

I think it's the mothers body and she should have the right to decide what happens to it but you don't have the obligation to stay with her.

Get out of your relationship with her if you want. Be there for the kid if you feel like it (though I'm going to say that I don't think this is your obligation either).

[dogsbody70]

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[dogsbody70]

Originally Posted by MissMisa

Personally I think it's pretty awful your girlfriend is forcing you to keep a child you had no intention of keeping. (Old people will tell you OMG IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU GOTTA HAVE BABIES ETC but yeah.) If someone forced me to have a child, I'd be really upset/pissed off. Which I'm sure in some ways you are. She's 19, she sounds pretty stupid for wanting to keep it at that age when you are at University. (Seems like a selfish thing to do with morals or something, I don't know.) That is probably going to be controversial and judgemental but that was my initial reaction for you.

However whatever you feel about your girlfriend as this current time, nothing is the childs fault. The child has done nothing wrong so I'm still very glad that you are taking responsbility because I know it's extremely easy to walk away in these situations. I admire you for that, I couldn't do it.

I guess all you can do is express to your parents it wasn't your choice and it wasn't your ideal situation, but you have to take responsibility for a child that now currently exists.

I would only go through with a pregnancy if both parties are consenting. I guess some people have moral things about abortion, so they can't terminate, I personally don't. But that's another topic.

Also, I'm really sorry to hear about this. You are an awesome person and I know you'll do well whatever happens - I do hope your family comes round. I know you'll keep a level head and you'll be fine.

Where abortion is concerned much depends how far on the baby is.

Have you seen those amazing images of a baby in the womb?

at least it is not against the law but many anti-abortionists would be against it.


Its for this couple to have a proper discussion surely. After all this must be so common-- nothing new in conceiving a baby is there.


I used to see students looking for someone to adopt their baby but then others telling them they wil lnot get over it.


There are plenty of couples wanting a baby-- so maybe adoption is one way to go-- but nothing is straightforward.

we do not know either the mother or the father. So easy for us to give our opinions so easy to say the man shouldn't have to be there for the child-- a very common option by the way-- so damned easy when you are not the one carrying the child in your body.

Bringing a child into this world Is a responsibility--nobody will tell me differently. If you bring it into this world then you should be responsible for it not just leave the mother in the lurch.