JF - Classy no more

[Nyororin]

Originally Posted by RealJames

it clearly crosses the line if someone says something along the lines of;
"I just like Japanese guys more, it's my personal preference, just because they're nicer..."

Basically, this.

It`s fine to be more attracted to people of some certain background because there are traits you personally find attractive. Liking hair color, stature, etc, is one thing - but when "nationality" or "race" becomes the description is when there is something wrong.

When it comes to physical traits - I like dark haired men, who are the same height or a bit taller than me, who aren`t all that hairy. As far as physical features go, yes, the majority of Japanese guys would probably fit. But so would countless other guys the world over. That I ended up marrying a Japanese guy has a whole lot more to do with the simple fact that I was in Japan than any preference for race or nationality.

People who want to only date Asians do not consider the culture barrier that may be there, or automatically think their culture will top their spouse/SO's culture. That...causes problems.

Oooh! Another big one!

If you are ever involved in any foreigner-married-to-Japanese groups, you`ll see this in bright glowing vividness. The foreigner is always completely reasonable in wanting to move to / continue to live in their native country. They`re always reasonable for wanting to stay close to their family and friends... But the partner is completely unreasonable, selfish, and self-centered for even mentioning a desire to live in their native country or be close to THEIR family. You can almost bet money on which relationships are going to fail by looking at how the foreign side handles this - if they go on and on about how horrified they are that their partner would want to keep them away from their family / deny children a chance to know their grandparents / isolate the foreign husband/wife from friends / etc etc without ever giving any thought to the feelings on the Japanese side... That relationship is not going to survive in any happy state.

[Kayci]

Originally Posted by Nyororin

Basically, this.

It`s fine to be more attracted to people of some certain background because there are traits you personally find attractive. Liking hair color, stature, etc, is one thing - but when "nationality" or "race" becomes the description is when there is something wrong.

When it comes to physical traits - I like dark haired men, who are the same height or a bit taller than me, who aren`t all that hairy. As far as physical features go, yes, the majority of Japanese guys would probably fit. But so would countless other guys the world over. That I ended up marrying a Japanese guy has a whole lot more to do with the simple fact that I was in Japan than any preference for race or nationality.

Yeah that makes sense. Okay...so how bad am I? xD

[godwine]

Originally Posted by Nyororin

Basically, this.

It`s fine to be more attracted to people of some certain background because there are traits you personally find attractive. Liking hair color, stature, etc, is one thing - but when "nationality" or "race" becomes the description is when there is something wrong.

When it comes to physical traits - I like dark haired men, who are the same height or a bit taller than me, who aren`t all that hairy. As far as physical features go, yes, the majority of Japanese guys would probably fit. But so would countless other guys the world over. That I ended up marrying a Japanese guy has a whole lot more to do with the simple fact that I was in Japan than any preference for race or nationality.

Right, so you didn't married him just for these physical traits though... thats what make it different.......

[Kayci]

Okay...so while reading this, I see a certain male poster being the kind of person that is frowned upon...and I am seriously twitching at him.
I am not like that...(Asians are all superior? Pfffft.)

[RealJames]

A seemingly related, but very different topic, is how one acts on these superficial preferences.

The last 3 girls I've been with actually don't fit my most favorite characteristics in women, but who they are as individuals trumps that in my books any day.

For some people the superficial desires carry a lot more weight, and that's when you gotta watch out for how stupid you may be.

[Kayci]

Originally Posted by RealJames

A seemingly related, but very different topic, is how one acts on these superficial preferences.

The last 3 girls I've been with actually don't fit my most favorite characteristics in women, but who they are as individuals trumps that in my books any day.

For some people the superficial desires carry a lot more weight, and that's when you gotta watch out for how stupid you may be.

Okay. Got it all. ^^ I know thats not how I am, though people may think otherwise...

[Nyororin]

I added this to a previous post by edit, but figure it will be swept away so will repost it here;

People who want to only date Asians do not consider the culture barrier that may be there, or automatically think their culture will top their spouse/SO's culture. That...causes problems.

Oooh! Another big one!

If you are ever involved in any foreigner-married-to-Japanese groups, you`ll see this in bright glowing vividness. The foreigner is always completely reasonable in wanting to move to / continue to live in their native country. They`re always reasonable for wanting to stay close to their family and friends... But the partner is completely unreasonable, selfish, and self-centered for even mentioning a desire to live in their native country or be close to THEIR family. You can almost bet money on which relationships are going to fail by looking at how the foreign side handles this - if they go on and on about how horrified they are that their partner would want to keep them away from their family / deny children a chance to know their grandparents / isolate the foreign husband/wife from friends / etc etc without ever giving any thought to the feelings on the Japanese side... That relationship is not going to survive in any happy state.

Originally Posted by Kayci

Yeah that makes sense. Okay...so how bad am I? xD

I don`t know. I don`t really keep note of what people say about the subject unless it is completely out there... *cough* You know who I`m talking about...*cough*

Right, so you didn't married him just for these physical traits though... thats what make it different.......

I`m sure that the physical traits helped me find him physically attractive - but they would have done the same had he been some other nationality or ethnic background.
And, really, if he had been the same wonderful person but hadn`t had those traits - there still would have been a chance. I just probably wouldn`t have felt physically attracted to him from the start though, so there is less chance I would have seen him in that light.

[Kayci]

Its not just family/wanting to live back where you come from, its also how different cultures think differently, and the lack of respect that comes with it from the foreigner side.

"I am American/British/German/Indian/etc. And its MY marriage, so it will be done MY way!"

^ I have seen that mentality in the church I teach summer school at, with some American husbands to their Japanese wives.

[Nyororin]

Originally Posted by Kayci

Its not just family/wanting to live back where you come from, its also how different cultures think differently, and the lack of respect that comes with it from the foreigner side.

Obviously it stretches to all facets of the relationship - but the question of "where will we live" is usually the biggest and most visible. Foreign wives of Japanese men tend to be a bit more open to living in Japan for financial reasons (easier for the husband to find a well paying and stable job in Japan - particularly if there are any language difficulties), but it is almost always assumed that the Japanese wife will move to the country of the husband.

How children are raised is also another point where it rears it`s head pretty visibly - but, as sad as it is, a lot of the time the relationship dies (at least internally) before it ever gets that far.

But really, I personally think that "cultural differences" are a bit exaggerated. A lot of the problems I see around aren`t really cultural, but more a lack of respect for the other person as an individual with their own feelings and desires... Or a language barrier.
I know people who were born and raised in the same area I was who are far more "different" than some of my Japanese friends. Your family is, really, a small culture all it`s own. You don`t have to look all that far away to find some drastic differences that will cause huge clashes.
Language barriers don`t need much explanation. It is quite sad though when people misunderstand each other because of language, but decide that the problem is cultural rather than difficulty in communicating.

And, well, I think there is an expectation that there will be cultural clashes in the relationship - which is used as an excuse not to try to understand the other person`s view as a valid one. "It`s just a cultural thing! My way is superior - they just can`t see it because of their cultural background!" is a common excuse (though not quite in those words ) for ignoring the other partner`s feelings or not even bothering to talk things through with them.

I always find myself at a loss when people, inevitably, ask me about the culture clashes and problems related to them in my marriage. We`re both individuals, and have our disagreements, but I have never felt that any of them were "cultural".

[Kayci]

Originally Posted by Nyororin

Obviously it stretches to all facets of the relationship - but the question of "where will we live" is usually the biggest and most visible. Foreign wives of Japanese men tend to be a bit more open to living in Japan for financial reasons (easier for the husband to find a well paying and stable job in Japan - particularly if there are any language difficulties), but it is almost always assumed that the Japanese wife will move to the country of the husband.

How children are raised is also another point where it rears it`s head pretty visibly - but, as sad as it is, a lot of the time the relationship dies (at least internally) before it ever gets that far.

But really, I personally think that "cultural differences" are a bit exaggerated. A lot of the problems I see around aren`t really cultural, but more a lack of respect for the other person as an individual with their own feelings and desires... Or a language barrier.
I know people who were born and raised in the same area I was who are far more "different" than some of my Japanese friends. Your family is, really, a small culture all it`s own. You don`t have to look all that far away to find some drastic differences that will cause huge clashes.
Language barriers don`t need much explanation. It is quite sad though when people misunderstand each other because of language, but decide that the problem is cultural rather than difficulty in communicating.

And, well, I think there is an expectation that there will be cultural clashes in the relationship - which is used as an excuse not to try to understand the other person`s view as a valid one. "It`s just a cultural thing! My way is superior - they just can`t see it because of their cultural background!" is a common excuse (though not quite in those words ) for ignoring the other partner`s feelings or not even bothering to talk things through with them.

I always find myself at a loss when people, inevitably, ask me about the culture clashes and problems related to them in my marriage. We`re both individuals, and have our disagreements, but I have never felt that any of them were "cultural".

Yeah...the superiority thing...You are right about the culture thing being a bit exaggerated, after reading that.


All of those things are a pet peeve, and I actually have had my Korean ex pull the "I am superior culture you just do not understand" on me...So sometimes, others are guilty...too...it goes both ways.