俺の漫画のダイアログは、評論してください

[Khengi]

このところ、僕の斬新な漫画を描いてる。漫画のダイア ログが英語と日本語を書いてだが、日本語ダイアログで 練習のためにつもりだ。このスレで、日本語ダイアログ の評論がほしい、そして間違いがあるなら助けてくれる 。　：）

これは漫画の抜粋：

http://i138.photobucket.com/albums/q...angapage-1.png

この抜粋に左の言葉「時間殺さまはケイジとリーオンを 見つけた！どうしよか？！！」と言ってる。

オノマトペアっては、「カッチャッ！」　（これはジカ ンの道場の音はずだ）

(I am mostly asking the opinion of a native as they know the subtle differences I'm looking for: can you critique the page's dialogue?)

(note: I know the art isn't too good, I haven't actively drawn in a while, so I have to get back into the fray of things)

[Nagoyankee]

Regarding the two vertical lines:

1. Flip them　around. First part should be placed on the right.
2. Get that horizontal elongation bar vertical.
3. 見つけた　＞　探し出した. 見つけた sounds too childish.
　　どうしようか　＞　さて、どうする. 　どうしようか there just sounds foreign.

In the bubble:　I would say, 「フッ、これで終わりだぜ、このガキ・・・」.

Finally, カッチャッ　＞　カチャッ.

[DigitalFreya]

I think the art is good, it's better than what I could do, but I really don't know what to put for the speech bubble mostly because I don't read Japanese, and I don't know what's going on.

[Nagoyankee]

Originally Posted by DigitalFreya

I think the art is good, it's better than what I could do, but I really don't know what to put for the speech bubble mostly because I don't read Japanese, and I don't know what's going on.

Why post then?