Animation subtitles help

[naesthetic]

For my graduation project for my study (communication & multimedia design) I am making a short animated movie with various influences, anime being a part of it. Therefore I thought it would be nice to have japanese subtitles for it.

I can't speak japanese myself, but a friend of mine already translated the script. However he isn't a native (or that good) speaker, so I'd like to have a second opinion about it. The script now is in dutch, english and romaji, with some parts in hiragana.

This is what it's going to look like. The backgrounds are in 3D, while the characters are in 2D. The animation theme is about privacy violations by governments and it's a bit steampunkish.

If anyone would like to help me out I'd really appreciate it.

The deadline for me is the 12th of june,, so I'm afraid I'm a bit late for this, but any help is welcome.

Thanks in advance,

naesthetic

[darksyndrem]

Well, I can't help, but the anime looks pretty awesome imo. Steampunk rocks

[KyleGoetz]

I suggest you post a script, because no one is going to want to commit to translating something and then get surprised that it's 20 pages long.

[naesthetic]

Thanks for the advice, the script can be found here and is like 400 words long.

[KyleGoetz]

Introductory notes
1. translation is inexact
2. I did this very fast
3. Not knowing Eris's relationship to the police, we don't know whether to render it as honorific/humble speech or not. I'm assuming this is unnecessary.

Corrections:

First general note: there are no spaces between words in Japanese. You've included spaces like in エリス　ディア. Although, when using a name like this, you can put a ・ between first and last name if you want. No spaces, though.

page 1: Dia should be ディア, not デイア. Note the smaller middle kana in the correct example.

page 2: same correction
also, age 17 requires a 歳 (or 才) after "17" (pronounced "sai")
Civilian isn't "shimin": that is "citizen" try "minkanjin" instead 民間人　みんかんじん
"FUnction" is translated very wrongly—what you've given is something like "I function" or "she functions"—you've used a verb, not a noun). I don't think even the English word "function" here is correct (my "function" is not "student," my "occupation" or "classification" may be, but my function is not). However, if I were to translate "function," I'd probably go with kinou きのう—just get ride of the します
for "unemployed" go with shitsugyouchuu or something しつぎょうちゅう. What you've used means "the unemployed [people]" or "an unemployed person," which is a noun; in English, you've used an adjective so I've tried to stay close to that
After "AB-" you want to add 型
You don't need a hyphen between ディア and さん
"marugoshi" means "without a sword"—I'll defer to a native on the best translation, but maybe 武器, ぶき
note for your english: bedreiging means "threat" not "treat" and the Japanese would be something like kyoui ga nai (threat/menace does not exist)

Praxidicae—how to pronounce this? I can't find it in Wikipedia, but given how we'd pronounce it in English (I'm not going to wade through Ancient Greek phonology), I'd write it as プラクシディカイ (purakushidikai). I don't know where the accent is, though, which affects my katakanization. However, my knowledge of Latin pronunciation of "Caesar" (kai-, not see-) led me to think of the "cae" at the end as "kai" rather than "shii". What you have now sounds like "Prexidekky."

I'm skipping the last panel on page 2 because I don't know how police officer formal-speak sounds, having never had a run-in. But you probably could do away with the "ore wa"—it's unnecessary.

page 3
"you must be eris" = エリスだろう. What you have now is "you are Eris."
how do you know this = どうしっているか <--this is one of those instances where knowing the necessary level of honorific would have been useful
What you have currently is "why do you know"

page 4
i figured = 思ったとおり omotta toori (right now, you have "I understand" or "gotcha")
"welcome home" is okaeri not okairi

"this person is Castor" = こちらこそはカストルだ。 kochira koso wa kasutoru da

I'll be honest. I sort of gave up at this point. Sorry. :/ It's time for me to study for my finals some more.

Good luck, though. I hope you get some more help. And hopefully you'll share the finished product with us! The artwork looks amazing.

[naesthetic]

Thanks very much for making corrections even though my friend's translation is kinda crappy and all =/...

I hope I'll get more help too, and sure, when it's finished I'll post it somewhere here.

Thanks for putting so much time in this and helping me out!