Can you look over this email I'm going to send to see if it makes sense?

[KyleGoetz]

Originally Posted by masaegu

What do you think, Maxful?

They both mean "Excuse me for my poor Japanese."

And if you want to be hyperliteral about the sentences (masaegu's translation is more correct, but this will sort of show the meaning behind the bits of the sentence),
下手な日本語で失礼します。 = I commit offense/am impolite due to my poor Japanese.
下手な日本語でお許しください。 = Would you please permit/forgive me for my poor Japanese?

I have to admit, I'm not sure whether to classify the で as the particle or as the てform of だ here. I assumed it was the particle (for some reason), but if it's the てform of the copula then they are slightly different in literal translation:

The Japanese is bad [in this letter], so I commit offense/am impolite/am sorry.
The Japanese is bad [in this letter], so would you please permit/forgive it/me?

[Umihito]

Originally Posted by masaegu

The whole letter sounds "foreign" to me from the very first sentence 「私の名前はリアムです。」. Isn't that straight out of Japanese textbooks used outside of Japan? It isn't something we would ever say.

What could be some alternative ways to say this that'll make it sound more native? From asking around a few places on the internet, I've gotten the following possibilities:

____________ と申します。

____________ といいます。

Could either of these be used? Would you say either of them is better than '私の名前はリアムです。'?

[Umihito]

HERE IS MY FINAL DRAFT:


(AUTHOR NAME) さまへ

私の名前はリアムです。19歳のイギリス人の男性です。
去年日本に行った時に、「(TITLE)」の日本語の本を買い� �した。　イギリスに帰ってから、読みました。
とても、とても素晴らしい本だと思いました！それから 、(TITLE)は私の一番好きな本になりました。

次に日本に行く時に、(AUTHOR SURNAME)先生に会いたいと思いますが、(AUTHOR SURNAME)先生はたぶんとてもお忙しいでしょうね。

下手な日本語でお許しください。

読んでいただいてありがとうございます！
リアム


Does this look alright?
I'm hoping to send it tomorrow

EDIT: If there are the question marks in diamonds again, they're once again supposed to be 'ま'

[Maxful]

Originally Posted by KyleGoetz

下手な日本語で失礼します。 = I commit offense/am impolite due to my poor Japanese.

下手な日本語でお許しください。 = Would you please permit/forgive me for my poor Japanese?

Thanks for sharing it with me, KyleGoetz san.

[masaegu]

Originally Posted by KyleGoetz

I have to admit, I'm not sure whether to classify the で as the particle or as the てform of だ here. I assumed it was the particle (for some reason), but if it's the てform of the copula then they are slightly different in literal translation:

In both cases, it is a particle.

[masaegu]

Originally Posted by Umihito

What could be some alternative ways to say this that'll make it sound more native? From asking around a few places on the internet, I've gotten the following possibilities:

____________ と申します。

____________ といいます。

Could either of these be used? Would you say either of them is better than '私の名前はリアムです。'?

Use the first one. The second one is too conversational.

[masaegu]

Originally Posted by Umihito

HERE IS MY FINAL DRAFT:


(AUTHOR NAME) さまへ

私の名前はリアムです。19歳のイギリス人の男性です。
去年日本に行った時に、「(TITLE)」の日本語の本を買い� �した。　イギリスに帰ってから、読みました。
とても、とても素晴らしい本だと思いました！それから 、(TITLE)は私の一番好きな本になりました。

次に日本に行く時に、(AUTHOR SURNAME)先生に会いたいと思いますが、(AUTHOR SURNAME)先生はたぶんとてもお忙しいでしょうね。

下手な日本語でお許しください。

読んでいただいてありがとうございます！
リアム


Does this look alright?
I'm hoping to send it tomorrow

EDIT: If there are the question marks in diamonds again, they're once again supposed to be 'ま'

Looks good. Don't worry about not sounding like a Japanese-speaker. It will be more personable that way.

[StonerPenguin]

Lol hey there Liam! I'm AnonStudent from Y!A Glad to see you took my advice. Did you make an account on Lang-8 too?

Also, Mr. Masaegu, since he's trying to say "I bought the Japanese language (version) of your book, (TITLE)." wouldn't ”「(TITLE)」の日本語版を買いました。” be a closer translation? Just curious

[masaegu]

Originally Posted by StonerPenguin

Also, Mr. Masaegu, since he's trying to say "I bought the Japanese language (version) of your book, (TITLE)." wouldn't ”「(TITLE)」の日本語版を買いました。” be a closer translation? Just curious

Of course, it would, Ms. SP.

I didn't change it because my basic opinion is that unless there are parts where you are unintentionally saying something that could offend the reader, you should send your letter as is even with the mistakes and unnaturalness. This is why I only changed two parts in my first post. If I were the manga-ka, I don't think I would appreciate a letter in perfect Japanese from England. I would know immediately that it wasn't written by the fan himself.

[Umihito]

Originally Posted by KyleGoetz

Basically there are a few errors and more awkward phrasings that make you sound non-native.

That being said, the meaning is completely understandable; I didn't have to look at your English translation at all. Were I a Japanese artist, I would be enthused to get the letter just the way you've written it. It means more when it looks like you tried your hardest to express yourself!

Thanks.
That's a good thing to hear. As I've never lived in Japan or been anywhere near a Japanese district, I wasn't expecting it to sound native. If it did... I would be gob-smacked! XD

It looks like all the corrections I got are relatively minor, and I'll learn them now that I know where I went wrong.