Check for mistakes in GCSE practice essay? :)

[LisaJD]

Hello!
I would be very grateful if you could check this (Rather long :/ sorry) piece of text for mistakes! Please don't suggest any new kanji that I haven't used unless you know they are relevant to GCSE students. Thank you very much!

先週、朝ご飯を食べて、ロンドンに行きました。
電車でのって一時間かかりました。
ロンドンの駅はとてもにぎやかでうるさいでした。
ロンドンは本当にすごいです。はくぶつ館に行ったり、 買物をしたりです。
じゃ、たくさんすることができます。
家族とびじゅつ館に行きました。
ほんやふくしょくてんも行きました。
私は赤いドレスを二ちゃく買いましたが、母はくつも買 いました。
けれでも、レストランは一ばん好きでした、食べ物が大 好きですから！
昼ご飯あとで、家に帰りました。
ロンドンに帰るつもりです。楽しかったと思います。
けど、ケンブリジも行きたいです。
多分来月友だちとロンドンに行きます。さらに天気は本 当に良かったです！

[masaegu]

Originally Posted by LisaJD

Hello!
I would be very grateful if you could check this (Rather long :/ sorry) piece of text for mistakes! Please don't suggest any new kanji that I haven't used unless you know they are relevant to GCSE students. Thank you very much!

先週、朝ご飯を食べて、ロンドンに行きました。
電車でのって一時間かかりました。
ロンドンの駅はとてもにぎやかでうるさいでした。
ロンドンは本当にすごいです。はくぶつ館に行ったり、 買物をしたりです。
じゃ、たくさんすることができます。
家族とびじゅつ館に行きました。
ほんやふくしょくてんも行きました。
私は赤いドレスを二ちゃく買いましたが、母はくつも買 いました。
けれでも、レストランは一ばん好きでした、食べ物が大 好きですから！
昼ご飯あとで、家に帰りました。
ロンドンに帰るつもりです。楽しかったと思います。
けど、ケンブリジも行きたいです。
多分来月友だちとロンドンに行きます。さらに天気は本 当に良かったです！

先週、朝ご飯を食べて、ロンドンに行きました。
Grammatically correct but sounds very strange. Would you say in English "Last week, I ate breakfast and went to London."? I would not. If you want to use the word 朝ご飯, you have got to use a specific date or a "day of the week" word.

電車でのって一時間かかりました。
Almost! It is に、not で。

ロンドンの駅はとてもにぎやかでうるさいでした。
Close! One does not say うるさいでした. One must say うるさかったです or うすさかった.

ロンドンは本当にすごいです。はくぶつ館に行ったり、 買物をしたりです。
Almost! You cannot say したりです. You can say したりしました.

じゃ、たくさんすることができます。
I have no idea what this means (and I am a Japanese-speaker).

家族とびじゅつ館に行きました。
Yay!

ほんやふくしょくてんも行きました。
ほんや　＞　ほんやと
も　＞＞　にも

私は赤いドレスを二ちゃく買いましたが、母はくつも買 いました。
Not necessarily incorrect but a little awakward. Depends on what your mom bought. If she bought dresses as well as shoes, leave the sentence as is. If she only bought shoes, change くつも to くつを.

けれでも、レストランは一ばん好きでした、食べ物が大 好きですから！
One important mistake. は　＞＞　が
To be anal, native speakers would never use 好きでした here but would use 気に入りました. You probably have not learned the expression, so do not worry.

昼ご飯あとで、家に帰りました。
「昼ご飯のあとで」

ロンドンに帰るつもりです。楽しかったと思います。
帰る　＞＞　また行く
Even though the reader already knows at this point that you do not live in London, native speakers would use ロンドンに帰る only when they live in London.

けど、ケンブリジも行きたいです。
も　＞＞　にも

多分来月友だちとロンドンに行きます。さらに天気は本 当に良かったです！
Drop さらに.

[Nyororin]

Originally Posted by masaegu

ロンドンは本当にすごいです。はくぶつ館に行ったり、 買物をしたりです。
Almost! You cannot say したりです. You can say したりしました.

じゃ、たくさんすることができます。
I have no idea what this means (and I am a Japanese-speaker).

This tripped me up until I noticed later on that there is a mention of what she actually did in London.
I am thinking that she wants to say that there are lots of things to do in London, such as going to museums and shopping.

[KyleGoetz]

Originally Posted by masaegu

先週、朝ご飯を食べて、ロンドンに行きました。
Grammatically correct but sounds very strange. Would you say in English "Last week, I ate breakfast and went to London."?

I would if I lived in Reading, which is only 40 miles away!

[Nyororin]

Originally Posted by KyleGoetz

I would if I lived in Reading, which is only 40 miles away!

I still don`t think you would.
It just sounds strange.

"What did you do yesterday?"
"I ate breakfast and went to London."

[KyleGoetz]

Originally Posted by Nyororin

I still don`t think you would.
It just sounds strange.

"What did you do yesterday?"
"I ate breakfast and went to London."

I grew up in Victoria, TX, a two hour drive from Houston, Austin, San Antonio, and Corpus. It was a common conversation at school on Monday that began with "on Saturday I had [donuts] and drove to Austin."

[masaegu]

Here is what I stated:

Originally Posted by masaegu

先週、朝ご飯を食べて、ロンドンに行きました。
Grammatically correct but sounds very strange. Would you say in English "Last week, I ate breakfast and went to London."? I would not. If you want to use the word 朝ご飯, you have got to use a specific date or a "day of the week" word.

And you used one!

Originally Posted by KyleGoetz

It was a common conversation at school on Monday that began with "on Saturday I had [donuts] and drove to Austin."

Would you still say:
"Last week, I ate donuts and drove to Austin."?

[KyleGoetz]

Originally Posted by masaegu

Here is what I stated:



And you used one!



Would you still say:
"Last week, I ate donuts and drove to Austin."?

If eating donuts were a rare and happy occurrence for me on par with visiting an out-of-town place, yes (but I'd probably say "went" instead of "drove" in that case, since driving ain't fun, but going is!

But if I eat donuts all the time, it would be kinda weird to place visiting a cool city on par with eating a normal breakfast food.

[Supperman]

Originally Posted by LisaJD

ほんやふくしょくてんも行きました。

ほんや（本屋）とふくや(服屋）　にも行きました。
or
しょてん(書店）とふくしょくてん（服飾店）　にも行� �ました。

Honya and Fukuya are very basic words. Even 6-year-old children can understand.
Shoten and Fukusyokuten are a little advanced vocabulary, which can be understood by... for exmaple.... more than 12 year-old children.

If this is written by a native-Japanese kid, she would be 7-11 years old.
So I think Fukushokuten might be too advanced vocabulary.

I wonder how old are GCSE students.
14-16 years?
If so, your Japanese as a second language is wonderful!

edit) I thought the same thing as masaegu, about "last week, after eating breakfast, I went to London".
It is weird for an adult.　I agree with masaegu.
But my 10-year-old daughter often writes this kind of sentences.
I think this kind of weirdness is an unavoidable and quite natural thing for kids and GCSE students.

[masaegu]

Originally Posted by KyleGoetz

If eating donuts were a rare and happy occurrence for me on par with visiting an out-of-town place, yes (but I'd probably say "went" instead of "drove" in that case, since driving ain't fun, but going is!

But if I eat donuts all the time, it would be kinda weird to place visiting a cool city on par with eating a normal breakfast food.

Not sure if we are communicating well but you are the one that knows what sounds natural in English.

In Japanese, however, you would only sound very strange if you said:
「先週、朝ご飯を食べて、ロンドンに行きました。」

My ears simply refuse to take the combination of 「先週」 and 「朝ご飯を食べた」. I would have found no issue had OP opted to use a specific day like 「先週の土曜日」. You may confirm this with any Japanese-speaker that you trust.