Seeking corrections on Japanese text.

[FullmetalAnimator]

Hello.
I am an animation student that is currently working on a short story entitled Tsuki no Usagi (Moon Rabbits). I have recently written my first draft of the script and will comence my rewrites in the upcoming weeks.
Although the script is based in Japan and I have used minimum dialogue I have included some scenes which feature Japanese text. My Japanese is not perfect and even though I knew some of it, there were some phrases I wasn't too sure about and was forced to use Google translate.
Yes, I'm aware that Google translate is not that reliable but that is why I am here. I would be very grateful if anybody here could take the time to review and correct the Japanese text I used here. I greatly appreciate you for taking the time reading and I hope you can be of help.

Anyway, here's the few phrases I used in the script:


1.

どうぞよろしく。 私の名前は雪です。

Dozo Yoroshiku. Watashino namae wa YUKI desu.

Pleased to meet you. My name is YUKI.

(A question about this. I'm aware that 'watashino' is usually omitted but would it work here since it's a formal introduction or is it still unneccessary?)

2.

日本の書道

Nihongo shodō

Japanese calligraphy

3.

雪。なぜあなたは私を辞めたのか？

YUKI. Naze anata wa watashi o yameta no ka?

YUKI, why did you leave me?

4.

純。私が行っているということ悲しいことしないでくだ さい。私はあなたが幸せになると生活の中で新しい友達 を作りたい。私の友人てくれてありがとう。お体を大切 に。雪

JUN, Watashi ga okonatte iru toyuu koto kanashii koto shinaide kudasai. Watashi wa anata ga shiawase ni naru to seikatsu no naka de atarashii tomodachi o tsukuritai. Watashi no yūjinte kurete arigatō. O karada o taisetsu ni. Yuki

Jun, please don’t be sad that I am gone. I want you to be happy and make new friends in life. Thank you for being my friend. Please take care of yourself. YUKI.

(This last one I really wasn't too sure of.)


On an added note, I would prefer if you could write your corrections in both the roman alphabet but if you are able to give it in kanji and hirigana as well then that would be great

Again, thank you for reading and taking the time to review.

[KyleGoetz]

I'll go ahead and take the first one. IF it is indeed a formal introduction, you probably want something like
はじめまして。ユキと申します。どうぞよろしくお願い いたします。

#2 is 100% correct.

I'll leave 3 and 4 to someone who feels comfortable helping an animator on an actual work translating from EN->JA.

[blutorange]

Originally Posted by FullmetalAnimator

My Japanese is not perfect and even though I knew some of it, there were some phrases I wasn't too sure about and was forced to use Google translate.

As google translate is 100% wrong, please do not waste your time posting google translations.

Originally Posted by FullmetalAnimator

A question about this. I'm aware that 'watashino' is usually omitted but would it work here since it's a formal introduction or is it still unneccessary?)

The construction "watashi no namae ha" is more "classroom Japanese" than what is really used. If anything, you could say 私(watashi)、雪といいます。 or even more formally 雪と申(mou)します。 I do not know the specific context, so I cannot tell the level of formality that is required, but the former might be enough unless it is a business situation &c.

Originally Posted by FullmetalAnimator

日本の書道
Nihongo shodō
Japanese calligraphy

Probably just a simple mistake, "nihon no shodou", not "nihongo shoudou"

Originally Posted by FullmetalAnimator

雪。なぜあなたは私を辞めたのか？
YUKI. Naze anata wa watashi o yameta no ka?
YUKI, why did you leave me?

雪、どうして(僕(boku)・俺(ore)・私(watashi))を見捨(misute)て たんだの?
The translation and choice of the pronoun highly depends on the level of formality in this situation (and how distant their relationship is currently). Also, the choice of the correct question word depends on how serious the speaker intends the question to be: With naze, the speaker wants to hear the reason, with doushite or nande the it's the question is more rhetorical. Should the speaker wish to distance himself a bit, he might also say be more formal.

In short, please give us more details if you want the translation to be as natural as possible.

Originally Posted by FullmetalAnimator

Jun, please don’t be sad that I am gone. I want you to be happy and make new friends in life. Thank you for being my friend. Please take care of yourself. YUKI.

Google Translate fails horribly?
純。
私(watashi)、もうあの世(yo)に行(i)ったとしても、お願(nega )い、 悲(kanashi)しそうな顔(kao)をしないでよ。幸(shiawa)せの、� �〜くさんの人と出会(dea)える純がほしいから。 ずっと友達(tomodachi)でいてくれてありがと。 気(ki)をつけて生(i)きていってね
〜雪〜