Proof reading help of my (poor) translations.

[500YenDevin]

僕の日本語は（あまり？）上手じゃない。 手伝いください。 I'm okay with kanji and tango, but grammar/conjugation and sentence building is hard for me to understand. I have been working on something with a friend, but combined our skill doesn't get much better. Okay, to the point. I am making a short film that has a few bits in Japanese and I just wanted someone to tell me if my sentences are serviceable. I think a lot of it was ultimately Google translated. Would anyone be willing to help me out for? In total it is about 6-8 sentences. Thanks!

[KyleGoetz]

Originally Posted by 500YenDevin

僕の日本語は（あまり？）上手じゃない。 手伝いください。 I'm okay with kanji and tango, but grammar/conjugation and sentence building is hard for me to understand. I have been working on something with a friend, but combined our skill doesn't get much better. Okay, to the point. I am making a short film that has a few bits in Japanese and I just wanted someone to tell me if my sentences are serviceable. I think a lot of it was ultimately Google translated. Would anyone be willing to help me out for? In total it is about 6-8 sentences. Thanks!

Don't ask if you can ask. Just ask.

[500YenDevin]

Ah, sorry, I wasn't sure if someone would reply to me since I'm new here.

The Japanese: 彼は街の光が少なくなり、輝いて歩くように、彼は、暗 闇の中で彼はそれを好きになってきた方法に包まとなっ ています。

The English/meaning I want to get across: As he walks the lights of the city shine less and less, he is become enveloped in darkness, the way he has come to like it.

And a second one. Japanese: 彼はここからどこに行くか、彼は分かっていないが、こ こで、-今までそれは彼の足は、彼らが常に持っているようにそ こに彼を取る可能性があります。

English: Where he goes from here, he doesn’t know, but where-ever it may be his legs will take him there like they always have.

Thank you.

[masaegu]

Originally Posted by 500YenDevin

Ah, sorry, I wasn't sure if someone would reply to me since I'm new here.

The Japanese: 彼は街の光が少なくなり、輝いて歩くように、彼は、暗 闇の中で彼はそれを好きになってきた方法に包まとなっ ています。

The English/meaning I want to get across: As he walks the lights of the city shine less and less, he is become enveloped in darkness, the way he has come to like it.

And a second one. Japanese: 彼はここからどこに行くか、彼は分かっていないが、こ こで、-今までそれは彼の足は、彼らが常に持っているようにそ こに彼を取る可能性があります。

English: Where he goes from here, he doesn’t know, but where-ever it may be his legs will take him there like they always have.

Thank you.

Why are you posting Google Translate results as your own attempts? Nothing is tackier than that.

[KyleGoetz]

It does seem to me a bit machine translated.

I'll take a stab at these because I encouraged you to post your attempt. Normally I try to stay away from flowery English->Japanese because (1) I am not great at flowery Japanese; and (2) often the English looks like some crummy "poetry."

Here goes:
彼は歩くとともに街の灯がどんどん弱くなっていく。好 きになってきたように、暗闇に包まれてきている。

ここからどこへ行くか知らないが、いつもの通り脚が導 く。

I have more confidence in the second than the first. Neither probably sounds artistic, but maybe.

I'd love for someone who is a better speaker than I critique my translation attempts. If I'm ever going to write a Japanese short story, I need help with my prose!

[500YenDevin]

I thought I said it was google translated. I pretty much just know the words.

[KyleGoetz]

Originally Posted by 500YenDevin

I thought I said it was google translated.

No, you said

I think a lot of it was ultimately Google translated

Your OP basically is saying "I got a little help from Google," while your most recent post says "I did nothing but plug it into Google."

We don't like to help people who just use Google translate. This forum is more for learning than for providing free translation services, which is why we typically insist on people making an effort on their own, first (to learn!).

[500YenDevin]

Ok. I understand. I didn't mean to mislead. I absolutely started with a google translation on everything and try to work it out from there. But I really just know the words and not structure at all.

[500YenDevin]

The other lines I have are:

前には普通な生活していたが、それは神と悪魔の時代で あった。彼が他の時代に住ん でいたら、このようなことは起こらないと思う。

He lived a normal life once, during a time of gods and demons. I suppose if he had lived in another age none of this would have come to be.

And lastly: この人間界では、痛みや恥じ以外に何もない。

Nothing but pain and shame in this world.

Both of which I have been revising and working on a lot more than the other two. I'm trying to match my Genki I book's sentencing structure though even though I haven't gotten through it very far. I mostly have learned anything I have from a dictionary and my heavy drinking neighbor.

[KyleGoetz]

Originally Posted by 500YenDevin

Ok. I understand. I didn't mean to mislead. I absolutely started with a google translation on everything and try to work it out from there. But I really just know the words and not structure at all.

Just so you know, the only thing Google can possibly help you with is the words, not the structure.