I wrote a kind of senryu, check it plz

[LiXiQing]

I'm a little ashamed of it, because I'm afraid it may be taken the wrong way, but plz read it and answer a few questions I put.

赤い太陽は
神風方向です。
呆気ない酒。

1.) Can it be regarded as a verse? If not help me plz to make it right.
2.) It looks like nonsense, doesn't it? If does what should be done to make sense of it.

What I was trying to write:

The Red Sun is
Kamikadze's destination (heading, course)
Sake is runnig too short (not enough)

It's a kind of mockery of Asuka Soryu who is compared with the Red Sun and anyone who wants to move closer to her should be regarded as a suicide hero. It's always hard to make the last step. If there would be a little more wine in a cup, it made it easier to decide.

P.S. And one thing more. Did I write right the phrase: 私が赤毛をどうして知りましたか? - How did you guess I am a redhead?

I'm very sorry if I said something wrong or abusing.

[Supperman]

Originally Posted by LiXiQing

赤い太陽は a ka i ta i yoo wa (seven syllables)　→　It should be five syllables.
神風方向です。ka mi ka ze ho u ko u de su (ten syllables) →　It should be seven syllables.

呆気ない酒。 no n ki na i sa ke (seven syllables) →It should be　five syllables.

赤い夕日　a ka i yu hi (5)
神風方向 ka mi ka ze ho u ko (7)
酒たりぬ sa ke ta ri nu (5)

This becomes better, because it follows the rule of 5-7-5.

1.) Can it be regarded as a verse? If not help me plz to make it right.


I'm afraid not. It doesn't follow the rule.
Senryuu have to write 5 syllables in the first line, and 7 syllables in the second line, and 5 syllables at the last line.



2.) It looks like nonsense, doesn't it? If does what should be done to make sense of it.

What I was trying to write:

The Red Sun is
Kamikadze's destination (heading, course)
Sake is runnig too short (not enough)

It's a kind of mockery of Asuka Soryu who is compared with the Red Sun and anyone who wants to move closer to her should be regarded as a suicide hero. It's always hard to make the last step. If there would be a little more wine in a cup, it made it easier to decide.

Sorry, I don't understand the meaning at all. I don't know "kamikaze destination".

P.S. And one thing more. Did I write right the phrase: 私が赤毛をどうして知りましたか? - How did you guess I am a redhead?

私の髪の毛が赤いってどうして思ったのですか。
私が赤毛であると、どうして思ったのですか。

I'm very sorry if I said something wrong or abusing.

Hope this helps.