Issues getting over it

[xzilireight]

I'm an American who spent about 10 years living in Japan as a child.
I went to Japanese school (I was the only foreigner in my entire school), learned the culture and the language, and came back to the U.S. to finish my education.

I hate to sound unhappy/ungrateful (especially when so many sacrifices were made on my behalf and I know I must have caused meiwaku to many people,) but has anyone else left Japan feeling very unhappy?

I bugs me when people say "oh, that must have been such a wonderful experience for you," or "you are so lucky." I didn't go to Japan because I wanted to, I went because my Mother did, and she was responsible for me at the time. I experienced a lot of igime(bullying), my grades sucked because I wasn't suited for the education system, and it was a huge relief to come to America and find that I actually fit in here. I've been in the States for 7 years. I graduated college, and I am now married and very happy.

I usually don't even think about Japan, but lately, I have been filled with feelings of guilt as I remember my time there and learn to evaluate it as an adult. I want to go back to Japan in my own time and see it as a grown up. I am sure that if I could do it, I would see Japan through clearer eyes and learn to love it.

I'm just not sure how else to get over the bad feelings I have for Japan, even though my experience there is so intrinsic to who I am. As of now, I still Love and Hate that Japanese part of me.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

[MMM]

Are your bad feelings about Japan as a whole, or the education system and the bullying?

In that case it seems like your anger might be better directed at the person or people who put you in that situation.

[xzilireight]

Well, it's hard for me to dissect my feelings in that way.
The things I remember loving about Japan are the food, the four seasons, the feel of the sun on my face on a summers evening when the cicadas are chirping like crazy, the small hospitalities from neighbors...

I was also very young at the time and lost all contact with anyone I knew in Japan.
I'm in the process of digging up old addresses to try and get back in touch with people who I know looked out for me,but I'm afraid that they will think of me as "that trouble-making gaijin kid" (even though it has been almost 10 years now.) For the most part, I want to thank them, and rebuild connections for the future.

But there is a part of me that wonders if it really is a waist to let the past stay in the past. People seem annoyed that I don't use my language, or tell me that I am denying my destiny...so I am trying to start over.

I just don't understand why I'm expected to be so positive about something that hurt me. It seems like a social expectation to good on my promise to "bridge the two cultures" or something. I don't understand why...

[Tsuwabuki]

I had a student named Alfred who is exactly in your situation. Every year during the warm months, his mother has made him go to school in Japan. Poor kid has next to no summer vacation. His native language is English, he sucks at Japanese, and considers himself American. He's, to not put too fine a point on it, completely miserable here. He's a bright kid (wants to be a microbiologist), but his peers bully him and consider him stupid because his Japanese is poor.

I understand his mother's desire to acquaint him with her culture as fully as she can, but I think constantly changing schools every six months from culture to culture and country to country is just making him bitter and angry. This would be true just of changing between two schools period. Since he considers himself an American, if I were her, I would just have had him visit Japan over American school holidays. He's old enough at this point to clearly articulate his wishes and desires.

[RickOShay]

Hmm, it is hard for me to connect with how you felt, since I came to Japan by choice and as an adult. But I can say that having been here for 6 years, I really do not have any bad feelings about the place, I got over the "gaijin pride" thing quite some time ago, in fact if there was only one compliant about my life here it would be the fact that it is very difficult to avoid smoking environments. Well, if you enjoying going to ramen shops/mom and pop restaurants or izakaya on the weekends like me that is...

My point is that maybe as an adult you will be able to see the place in a better light, and discover more great things about it. But you may not though, I know of lots of adults that leave Japan bitter, but that usually has a lot more to do with their pride and their attitude than what Japan actually does to them in my opinion.

[Columbine]

Originally Posted by xzilireight

Well, it's hard for me to dissect my feelings in that way.
The things I remember loving about Japan are the food, the four seasons, the feel of the sun on my face on a summers evening when the cicadas are chirping like crazy, the small hospitalities from neighbors...

I just don't understand why I'm expected to be so positive about something that hurt me. It seems like a social expectation to good on my promise to "bridge the two cultures" or something. I don't understand why...

I think hind-sight is always highly skewed. I had a pretty horrible time at school as well and all i could clearly remember about my childhood over the space of a certain 3-4 years were fights with my sister and the bullying. Looking back on the family videos though, there were a lot of happy times i'd completely forgotten about. The kid on camera was a completely different person to the one in my memory.

I think it's wise to try looking at Japan again with an adult perspective and give it a second chance. If the issue is a bother to you, then it's best to try and face up to it, but don't feel like you have to be forced back into your past. It's been ten years; things and people change drastically over such a long time. It might be better to think of those people as acquaintances-of-a-friend you have never met rather than strictly as "so-and-so who said/did this-and-that". Be open. You can always walk away. There's no real reason why you can't go there and forge new, unrelated links that are more in keeping with how you want to relate to Japan and it's culture, outside of the influence of your mother or your past.

[xzilireight]

Thanks Columbine.
That was helpful.