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10-09-2008, 12:26 AM
I wanna know!!! *jumps up and down, sits down next to you and pokes you*
so, who's this certain someone??? hmm, hmm?? My Property:Pexster, Slykaz1 If the ocean was vodka and i was a duck, i would go to the bottom and drink my way up but the ocean isn't vodka and i'm no duck so pass up the bottle and shut the hell up! Score: Eiri: 43 Slykaz1: 78Rojjin: 59 Yuna7780: 79 reihino:15 Crani:22 Ramones1976:0 AnimeBaby:3 Arikado:1 Kikibunny23:3
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10-09-2008, 12:39 AM
Quote:
 But to despair was to wish back for something already lost. Or to prolong what was already unbearable.
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10-09-2008, 01:00 AM
well?? *keeps poking* come on give me some gossip, I mean tell me I wont tell anyone *innocent face*
My Property:Pexster, Slykaz1 If the ocean was vodka and i was a duck, i would go to the bottom and drink my way up but the ocean isn't vodka and i'm no duck so pass up the bottle and shut the hell up! Score: Eiri: 43 Slykaz1: 78Rojjin: 59 Yuna7780: 79 reihino:15 Crani:22 Ramones1976:0 AnimeBaby:3 Arikado:1 Kikibunny23:3
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10-09-2008, 01:25 AM
You want me to guess? theres like over 2000 ppl on JF, holy crap.....and I'm not on enough to see who you usually end up talking to the most...........IDK
My Property:Pexster, Slykaz1 If the ocean was vodka and i was a duck, i would go to the bottom and drink my way up but the ocean isn't vodka and i'm no duck so pass up the bottle and shut the hell up! Score: Eiri: 43 Slykaz1: 78Rojjin: 59 Yuna7780: 79 reihino:15 Crani:22 Ramones1976:0 AnimeBaby:3 Arikado:1 Kikibunny23:3
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10-09-2008, 04:14 AM
Here is a link to my young adult novel called www. nobody cares. comI'll just post a link to the first chapter.
Chapter One Killer of Twilight fantards since 2005  
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10-09-2008, 03:04 PM
After reading your piece, I feel, as I do with everyone's work that I read, that it's only right to give you some honest feedback to further your creative endeavors. The following is my attempt at such feedback; although it's a little harsh, there's nothing worse than someone who will sugarcoat what they say.
Anyhoo, You're off to horribly great start, meaning that your idea is interesting enough to hold a reader, yet the execution is sub-par. The story starts off in the middle of action, which is a technique used by the best of authors and one that should be practiced (you do this well), however, even after this initial introduction, I still don't know anything about the main character. Why does she feel the way she does? Why is she letting this get the better of her? What's her personality like that'd make her lash out in such a way. All I can tell from this piece is that she's someone who's been bullied a bit too much for her age (something else I'm unaware of), and is looking for someone or something to attach to. Sadly, it's regrettable that this only made your story more cliche. The conflict is there and plain to see, but it's one that has been beaten to death with a literary stick. The idea of a website where those that have been "abused" gather is quite original, and you have something good going for you with that idea. However, your character's reactions, thought patterns, speech patterns, and nearly everything else about them is so predictable that it takes away the fun and excitement of the unexpected. While the plot of the story remains fantastical, the reader will see what's coming from a mile away. I may be wrong (being that there's not much revealed about his character), but I fear that Mr. Nobody is a Mary Sue character, or a character that can do whatever he/she/it wants because it wills it. While very creepy already to have someone find your main character on his own, knowing every little bit about her seems far too omnipotent and makes him rather flat (how many times have we seen this in anime/manga/TV/movies/etc.). However, as I said earlier, I can't say for certain if this is true or not, but I would look into his character more in depth to make sure you're not creating a Mary Sue, otherwise, to be blunt, no one will read this piece. As I've mentioned, the greatest thing you have going for you in this short introductory chapter is your idea. Original to say the least, and could turn provocative should you look closer into the idea and develop it more. Work on developing your characters more: write down their personality, habits, hobbies, thought processes, etc. on a separate piece of paper; in short, write a short story about the character. That should give that third dimension to your characters, and you'll find it's a great deal easier to write when you don't have to worry about how you characters will act in certain situations. All in all, a diamond in the rough I'd say. Once again, sorry for being a bit harsh, blunt, and honest, but I'd be cheating you if I was anything otherwise. How in the world do people reach 1,000+ posts?  Skadoosh.
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10-09-2008, 03:30 PM
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10-09-2008, 04:32 PM
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Apart from that, Thirdsight pretty much summed up everything I think of it. You are off to a good start, there are some things that need to be changed though.
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