I could use some critics.

[Altaru]

Well, since I can't find any decent critics around where I live at the moment, I figured I'd ask around for some advice on my stories.

Most of mine are written with intent to turn them into scripts eventually, but they start as stories in my mind. So I write them as such, and I guess I'll type out the story now and get some feedback before I go all out on it.

Well, here goes...

I really wish I could present it to you in a video form, like I see it in my head, but for now, you'll have to bear with me...
_________________________________________________________________
(This first story is told from a First Person POV, and when I put it into a video format, it'll have a Fight Club style narration, though not quite as omniscient)

"Bring him here, to me." The Bosses voice was quite, and yet somehow it found it's way into all of our ears.

Incidentally, it was myself that he wanted brought forward. Shackled in chains and clothed in nothing more than a pair of ripped Khakis, I was led forward by two men in their mid-30's. Completely identical in both appearance and power, the twins were two of the Bosses most trusted men. With their shaved heads, muscular figures, and jet black suits, they were able to separate the crowds with ease, myself in tow.

And as the crowds parted, I was able to see. The Boss sat there, staring at me with his cold gray eyes. In his lap, sat the book that had caused him so much trouble.

Bound in a black, leather-like cover, with four chains wrapping around it and meeting in a lock on the front cover, the book was large, and heavy. The pages were old and decaying pieces of parchment, stains of an unknown origin were visible on the page edges.

The warehouse was cold. My attention had been so focused on the book before that I hadn't noticed. Now, however, my mind was clear, for fear of one of the Boss's truth-readers taking a look into my head. They could "read" minds, and were the greatest enemy of a guilty man.

A cold wind played across my bare chest. As I said, the warehouse was cold, and being half-naked didn't protect me from the elements. Up until a few weeks ago, I would have been nothing more than a front row spectator. All because of that book, I was now on the stand and pretty much garunteed to end with a guilty verdict.

Unfortunately, those who recieved the Boss's guilty verdict rarely, if ever, left this building alive.
_________________________________________________________________

I have more written, but I want to have a few people give me some feedback on that part for right now.

Thanks in advance.

[Salvanas]

Alright. It's a good start, quite good in fact.

You need to add more detail to the surrounding, you see. If it's in a first person view, you need to add details that use all the senses. What he feels like, what he smells, what he sees, what he's touching, what he hears. All in nice detail, so as to put the reader in the narrators place.

Slight grammar problem here and there, which you need to sort out, such as 'quite/quiet' and when explaining numbers in a story, use word, not numbers. Numbers... stick out of a bunch of writing, and it makes the whole thing look wrong.

Apart from that, it's good.

Edit: Also, when explaining something, make sure every single detail you use for a character, helps progress their characters.

[Altaru]

Originally Posted by Salvanas

Alright. It's a good start, quite good in fact.

You need to add more detail to the surrounding, you see. If it's in a first person view, you need to add details that use all the senses. What he feels like, what he smells, what he sees, what he's touching, what he hears. All in nice detail, so as to put the reader in the narrators place.

Slight grammar problem here and there, which you need to sort out, such as 'quite/quiet' and when explaining numbers in a story, use word, not numbers. Numbers... stick out of a bunch of writing, and it makes the whole thing look wrong.

Apart from that, it's good.

Edit: Also, when explaining something, make sure every single detail you use for a character, helps progress their characters.

Thanks for the advice. I'll see what I can edit to make part one better, and improve upon the later parts.

Lol, actually... The quite/quiet thing was a typo.

As for the number... Looking at the hard copy (I wrote it on paper in the middle of a REALLY dull history class), you're right. I think I did it for the sake of convenience at the time.

[MutsuYakumo]

Not bad kid. I would actually like to hear more keep up the good work.

[Salvanas]

Originally Posted by Altaru

Thanks for the advice. I'll see what I can edit to make part one better, and improve upon the later parts.

Lol, actually... The quite/quiet thing was a typo.

As for the number... Looking at the hard copy (I wrote it on paper in the middle of a REALLY dull history class), you're right. I think I did it for the sake of convenience at the time.

I know what you feel like, but it's best to leave those bad habits behind

Whenever you write a story, put your full effort and time into it.

[zed]

[quote=Altaru;649975]"Bring him here, to me." The Bosses voice was quite, and yet somehow it found it's way into all of our ears.

Incidentally, it was myself that he wanted brought forward. Shackled in chains and clothed in nothing more than a pair of ripped Khakis, I was led forward by two men in their mid-30's. Completely identical in both appearance and power, the twins were two of the Bosses most trusted men. With their shaved heads, muscular figures, and jet black suits, they were able to separate the crowds with ease, myself in tow.

And as the crowds parted, I was able to see. The Boss sat there, staring at me with his cold gray eyes. In his lap, sat the book that had caused him so much trouble.

Bound in a black, leather-like cover, with four chains wrapping around it and meeting in a lock on the front cover, the book was large, and heavy. The pages were old and decaying pieces of parchment, stains of an unknown origin were visible on the page edges.

The warehouse was cold. My attention had been so focused on the book before that I hadn't noticed. Now, however, my mind was clear, for fear of one of the Boss's truth-readers taking a look into my head. They could "read" minds, and were the greatest enemy of a guilty man.

A cold wind played across my bare chest. As I said, the warehouse was cold, and being half-naked didn't protect me from the elements. Up until a few weeks ago, I would have been nothing more than a front row spectator. All because of that book, I was now on the stand and pretty much garunteed to end with a guilty verdict.

Unfortunately, those who recieved the Boss's guilty verdict rarely, if ever, left this building alive.
_________________________________________________________________
[quote]

Well, I liked it, usually when I read something it doesn't take me too long to decide whether or not I'll keep on reading.

pros: you got me hooked with the beginning, how you Brought up your lead character, and when describing the book.

contras: the twin bodyguards, I hope not to sound rude, but I've seen them enough trough the anime/magna series, maybe a twist in those characters will add originality to your story, or maybe I still don't get what the twin powers stand for.
.......................good look...............................