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Battle For Haruki- (A Ten Part Adventure) -
01-04-2010, 10:01 PM
Here is part one!!
Kimomo, age 12 with pink hair and royal blue eyes sat in her at her desk during class, as always, bored out of her mind The teacher was talking about greek mythology which didn't intrest her. In fact, anybody could and would say that NOTHING seemed to intrest her and nobody has ever seen her smile much. She always had a look of absolute boredom or disgust on her face. She never said anything when she didn't have to so nobody knew her. Perhaps if they did, they would better understand the true messages behind those scowls. Kimomo was just about to put her head down and sleep when the door opened and someone with red spikey hair that reach his neck with spikey ends with turqouise eyes wearing a tuxedo with shorts instead of pants. Kimomo didn't see any of it. All she saw was the blue circle with three arrows pointing at it that was on ths guy's shoulder. Kyoko knew what this was. She had an ultimate scared look on her face. The other students noticed this, and became concerned. The boy in the front of the room gestured for Kimomo to come with him. It took a while but Kimomo went with him with an ultimate look of defeat on her face. They went out into the hall. Kimomo imeadietly spoke up. "Listen, I've already been through this. I've been dealt with already so y-" She was cut off by the red head raising his hand. " I'm not here to capture you." he assured her. "I need to show you something very important. Follow me." He ordered. Kimomo reluctantly obeyed, and followed the red head to a car. He went in shotgun and a six year old was in the drivers seat this boy had upward lavender spikey hair. Kimomo was completely confused. "OK, why is a six year old driving a car?!" She asked, clearly in a confused shock. The red head shrugged. "Closest thing to a driver we could get. My name's Ryomu by the way, and our driver is Crikerfi." "And I gotsto go potty so shuddup and let me drive woman!!" Crikerfi started to drive. "So where ARE we going?" Kimomo asked, irritated. "All I'll say is we're going to the hospital" Crikerfi replied. He drove for about 30 minutes until he arrove at the hospital parking lot. The three of them got out of the car and into the hospital. They did not bother asking the receotion for directions Ryomu lead them to the elvator, up to level eight down to room 227. Ryomu paused at the door. "Erm, I must warn you, Tsushiro has alot of anger management issues." Ryomu explained. He then opened the door to reveal a twelve year old boy with orange curly hair and amber eyes. He had bangages on his head, cheeks, kneck, and hands. He was lookin down at his hands with seriousness and anger. "What are you doing here, Liuetenant of the fire squad, Ryomu." He asked with and edge in his voice and without looking up.Kimomo saw a bunch of folded clothes on a chair with the same shoulder badge on top. " I brought one of the fire captain's close friends to see if she can help." Ryomu replied a little nervously. Tsushiro looked up angrily. CHLIFFHANGER!! Tell me what you think please!! Critism is greatly appreciated!! 
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01-08-2010, 11:00 PM
Part 2 I guess . . . Please tell what you think!!
"You say that like only a miracle can save her now! As if there is no other hope but asking her former friend to motivate the captain to wake up. Send her back, the captain doesn't need her for anything anymore. That girl can't save her. The captain's friend is only putting herself in danger." Tsushiro warned. Ryomu waved his hand. "Ah, don't worry. Crikerfi and I will be by her side the whole time!" Ryomu said, disregaurding the warning. "Fine but if you-" Tsushiro started but was cut off. " Shutup! You're rhe one wimping out of facing the captain, not even when she's unconcious! You just lay here barking orders at everyone like nothing ever happened!" Crikerfi said Kimomo noticed he had brown eyes.. Tsushiro looked down and was shaking. Was he crying? "Just go." He muttered. Everyone left, Crikerfi and Ryomu high fived. " Now we have one last stop." Ryomu informed the group. They followed him through the halls to room 248. " I should warn you that this one looks much worse than Tsushiro." he whispered and opened the door. When Kimomo walked in and saw who it was she was about to cry. It was her best friend Nyu but she truly did look much worse than Tsushiro.She had bandages on nearly all of her body, she had several tubes hooked up to her and even a breathing mask. She looked so fradgile and in pain. Kimomo began to cry as memories began to come back. Kimomo and Nyu grew up in the city of Haruki. Haruki was a city found four million years ago when aliens came to Earth and began marrying humans. They created Haruki to escape percecution, the city had a barrier around it that only let people who had magic in them in. One day people from the military became interested when the offspring of these couples gained alien powers too, they started kidnapping them and using them as guinea pig test subjects. She and Nyu who had black hair and brown eyes. were hiding from these mad men with a big group of people. Unfourtanetly many of them were rebellious and fought the army to save themselves from being captured, but unfourtanetly, most of these attemps failed and they were captured themselves so our group shrunk to only 4 people. Then Tori came along; he had brownish gray hair and brown eytes. He also wore glasses.. He said he spied on the army alot and knew some vital things about them making him the 5th person in the group. One day one of our group challenged a group from the army and ended up getting killed, This ticked Kimomo off because she thought what the guy did was so stupid and it made her so angry she yelled at Nyu when Nyu asked her how she was doing. "How do you think I am doing? We're all going to go in lives of testing and be miserable all day and don't try to argue with me on it you optimistic moron! Your useless, stupid and sick. Go rot somewhere!" After that Nyu got scared and ran away. At first Kimomo did not care but as hours went by with no Nyu, Kimomo felt really guilty. She went to sleep and decided to find Nyu in the morning, but when Kimomo woke up, she was tied up along with the one other person that was still living with her, a thirty-two year old year old (Kimomo and Nyu were 5) named Don. Kimomo turned around to see Tori standing with some soliders. If no one replies part 3 won't be posted so please tell me your thoughts -puppy eyes-
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01-08-2010, 11:32 PM
I've only read the first part and about half of the second half (I'll comment on the second part later) but I'm not entirely sure what's going on. The pace seems to be a bit back and forth also. For the moment I'll give some grammatical corrections.
[sat in her at her desk] should be just [sat at her desk]. ]"I'm not here to capture you." he assured her.] Should be ["I'm not here to capture you," he assured her.]. With the comman instead of the period. I think I noticed one or two other things but I can't remember them off the top of my head. Keep writing though, you're sure to keep getting better.
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01-10-2010, 07:49 PM
I know I make alot of grammar mistakes and I'm not good with quotations but I'll do my best to improve. Part 3!!
" Tori, what's going on?!" Kimomo asked very angrily. "I just set you up. I made you think I had the mind to set you free so I got all of the information I needed from you about your powers and now we're going to put you guys to work." He replied slyly "Y-You . . ." Kimomo could not finish before she started sobbing from anger, fear, and shock. " Wait!" A familiar voice wailed. "Nyu?" Kimomo asked shocked. Nyu made her way to the soliders and bowed down on her knees. " Please, don't take my friends! Take me run all the tests you want on me! I'll do whatever you ask without question, just don't ruin my friends' lives." She pleaded. The soliders looked at Tori who semed to be OK with it so they took Nyu and left Kimomo and Don. "Darnit" Don mumbled with his head down "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kimomo screamed at the sky. Back in the present Kimomo bent down with tears in her eyes. She grabbed Nyu's bandaged hand. "I'm so sorry! I'm such an idiot." She mumbeled. Ryomu tapped her on the shoulder. " Listen, Nyu and Tsushiro are both Element Captains meaning they are the strongest user of their respective elements. They wanted to try and destroy the mad expiermental army from the inside. Someone found out and told the leaders so the attack the captains planned wasn't a surprise attack. The leaders were ready when the captains came and, this is what happened." He concluded, waving a hand at Nyu. "We think if we make a bigger army of as many Haruki people as we can, that force should be able to do it! He explained. "So are you in?" " That's the stupidest question of the century." Kimomo replied. "I'll never leave Nyu again!" Ryomu smirked and Crikerfi let out a little chuckle. This was going to be one crazy battle. It had been a week since Kimomo found Nyu again, of course Kimomo went back to school, her classmates noticed her attitutde and face began to soften up. She had gain a new look of determination and started talking to classmates just for fun. But also during thay week, everyday after school and all day on the weekend she, Ryomu and Crikerfi would train, Kimomo had ice powers and she always fought against a semi-master of fire (Ryomu) and Crikerfi's solar powers.On Saturday night, before Kimomo left, Ryomu talked to her. "Tommorrow we go back to the military headquarters; we're going to rebuild the revolution and the leaders won't be expecting it. They'll think we're too scared from last time so we'll hit them this time. "Even if we do, it will still be dangerous." Kimomo pointed out. Ryomu shrugged. " Beats not trying." He replied. I made sure to edit it a little this time, Tell me what you think!!
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01-10-2010, 08:30 PM
Quote:
Just an example: "someone with red spikey hair that reach his neck with spikey ends with turqouise eyes wearing a tuxedo with shorts instead of pants." Grammatically, you've actually just described someone with red spiky hair that reaches his neck- his neck has spiky ends, somehow on which reside a bunch of turquoise eyes that are wearing tuxedo tops and shorts, and said 'person' is apparently coming through the door instead of a pair of trousers. Besides, in story writing it's all about show, not tell. Take away the guff about appearance and symbol gimmicks and the only useful, substantial information about this character is that he is 'Lieutenant of the fire squad'. Who is he really? Why the heck should we pay attention to him or care that he exists? Ditto everyone else in the story so far. It's all a bit bleh and hard to read. If you really want the story to work, I'd go back to the start again and work on making your characters distinct people rather than cliche anime cut-outs, and flesh it out a bit. Like Sceptilemaster said, your pace is too fast and too disorientating; 500 words per part just isn't really enough to cope with the scope of story you're trying to put across and I'm already muddling people up. Introduce them more slowly and get inside their heads a bit more. But first, please learn what you're supposed to do with punctuation.
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01-10-2010, 11:19 PM
'Flesh it out' I've been told this before about my stories I guess this means I should stop trying to complete whole chapters of stories in one day and really think about the details and put focus on grammar and such.
Get inside their heads . . . I think I'll do that XD Character developement!! Just one question, What do you mean by 'Anime cut outs'? Thank you both for yourr time and advice!!
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01-11-2010, 12:33 AM
This is going to sound cruel but it's what it means. An Anime cut-out means that the characters basically sound like they are just generic Anime Clichés.
‘Fleshing something out’ generally means giving things adequate room. Don't try and stick lots of situations in a single paragraph, also to structure things nicely. I'm not sure it's word count that matters too much though. I did an short piece in 800 words and managed to fit quite a lot in without what I would consider to be an akward pace (alhough I'm not great, other people could think otherwise). Structure is the key and filler is never a good idea to try and achieve this either.
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01-11-2010, 12:39 AM
Yeah that's what I guessed it was . . . Hey it isn't cruel!! I've been told much worse, some bashterd called a story I wrote retarded, although it kinda was but that's why it wasn't supposed to be a story for say!!
Sorry about that, Thank you for your explanation!!
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01-18-2010, 09:44 AM
Quote:
Regardless, give it another go; perhaps just write up the scene that introduces your main character and then come back. and tweak your character stats a bit. 12 is just too young for the kind of backstory you're suggesting; it makes readers want to roll their eyes as it's just not believable.
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01-18-2010, 10:54 AM
To add a few minor suggestions to the story, in the future, (rather then the construction of it, Colombine pointed it right already) i guess you should be more especific on what kind of powers are those, why do they have a "fire" element or a "icy" element, who are the "bad guys", and present some "bad-ass" antagonist like Charles zi Britannia from Code Geass. (if you've seen it and you know what i mean)
Its just some minor suggestions to the story if you continue it. Overall, if you can develop the characters like colombine pointed, it might come out something original and entertaining. Who knows.  I wish you luck. 
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