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The Strengh Of The Frozen Child's Face! MOZABO's Valentines Story -
02-13-2010, 08:43 PM
OKies!! This story takes place in the future, A Third World War started over a Marriage Abolishment Act and Universal Gay Rights Canada tried to pass. Countries tried to capture other people from different countries who had different views on the subject. Here is part one, It's not meant to be a novel but I did my best to add plenty of detail and a good hook! I'll post the rest later today or tomorrow! Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ She was at the end: an icy hell inprisoned tightly because of her own choice and the life she was born into . . . But she didn't care. It was a pure hell but at the same time it wasn't. It was cold as ice, no, beyond that. A temperture where normal people would be freezing to death by now. In a place where just the atmosphere alone wouldmake you shiver and cower to a point of crying but she didn't. She didn't feel anything at all. She was blind psycologically and could not see the gray walls splatted by rotting green stuff, spider webs, - it's inhabitants on the floors with cocroaches- and large circles of blood splatters everywhere. She could not feel the torture a normal person would feel just sitting here. What's worse is that she was thrown everything; extremely harsh insults, taunts, rub-ins and reminders od just how doomed she and her "class" were. They were also thrown their so called "basic necessities" hard cold bread and water, (surely polluted from many things since they got it from a nearby river), blood splatered clothing straps during the winter so they don't freeze to death. Physically she could hear the logical complaints of the people around her, they never died down, new people came everyday and learned. Her former self would raise arms and hell on these people just for that but now she wouldn't, never again would she let down her barrier to try and save others from an ineditable fate. She herself was tired, she hadn't slept in weeks but felt as far from tired as if she drank a gallon of Starbucks. Mentally she was in an empty hole, not hearing or seeing or smelling or feeling- both physically and emotionally- anything. Her heart was buried deep inside her icy barrier and her snowy tears and the snow-like tears of others she had to let fall . She wanted, deep down wherever her emotions were, to die, she was already pretty much there, but her body, from natural instincts of survival, inprisoned her, with all of her willpower gone to stop it, her body made her keep going. It made her eat the stale crusts and drink the anything-but-life-friendly water to survive and her body protected her from the cold nights by forcing her to make a blanket from whatever and put it on and lie there as a continuing empty shell. She herself just added on to the hellish picture as skletons and witches do to a haunted house display. Not even in the deep depths of her mind where she still thought did she keep track of things such as age but she was- from looking- about in her early 20's her hair covered with blouches of dirt and sticking out all over from lack of water and brushing, a condition that your stereyotypical everyday girl or woman would fall into a coma from having, but her life never left room for caring of things like that. her empty orange eys showed how long it really was since sje last slept with big blobs of purple dragging down. She had skin pale as snow, her whole body was extremely fragile and scrawny She unconciously bit her nails from her body's tension. She wore unfittingly large clothing that sagged Really, she looked average and blended in with her "class" Every day she would sit and stare blankly, staying in a black hole. She knew she was alone and she was completely fine with staying that way, because the only people that have and would ever enter her life are people who needed protection and reassurance that she couldn't give them. Until he came . . . She never really payed attention to days passing, really there was no way she could. Neither did she know what time of day it was when he first appeared. He just seemed like one of the soliders who "took care" of them wearing all green for a uniform. with a brown pocket for a knife and a black hand gun, waxed along with his black shoes by children and elderly with a filthy rotted false-hope promise of surviving which came undone with the task of delivering these things to their owners but no one complained about it. That was their idea of freedom. They truly looked forward to it and no one with that honor truly envied those with it. Tell me what you think so far! I have no Friends- The cats have scratched and destroyed all of the DVDs! I always owe someone- In fact I put two os in it! I always ruin my clothes with Bleach!- The show is so dom suspensful I spill my grape soda on them! But . . .I'll live. 
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02-13-2010, 11:09 PM
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Admittedly this isn't an easy sort of scene to write because there's not a lot of action. It's mostly a portrayal of deprival and silent suffering and there's not a lot to your character because she's so withdrawn. Here you could use the things and people around her as a 'bounce'. Show who she is in contrast to them. Like in Lord of the Flies. We get an impression that Piggy is really smart and adult because when talking about things that they need, he stands upright and Ralph does hand-stands. We can sense that Ralph is lonely and isolated from the boys because he only really talks to SamnEric, the twins. Their closeness underlines his seclusion from the tribe. There's also an issue of perspective. If the readers are aware of the writer's 'voice' then it had better either be adding something to the story, or directly narrating. Imagine you're the director of a movie. You need to be off-scene, or else giving a commentary at the side. At the moment, you're kind of hovering behind your lead actresses' head muttering HER lines. It's distracting because there's something interesting going on and I'd rather hear it from her.
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02-14-2010, 12:01 AM
Okies well the next part definetly has someone that will help with the showing so I'll do my best to use that! thnak you for pointing these things out, I know I have much more practicing to do, Luckily, I'm only a freshmen so I've stil got time, but I shall not waste it!!
I have no Friends- The cats have scratched and destroyed all of the DVDs! I always owe someone- In fact I put two os in it! I always ruin my clothes with Bleach!- The show is so dom suspensful I spill my grape soda on them! But . . .I'll live.
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02-15-2010, 12:27 AM
She made no movement no acknowledgement to his presence, it was just another solider here to try and put her down even further but she didn't need it, she felt all of the torture she needed from seeing those twos' fates and lives crushed because she tried to be their angelic sanctuary in times of human operated plague and failed to even save herself.
He opened and closed the door, she simply stared noncaringly at the wall webs, with a strange look of curiousity, as if she placed them as above the new person as he walked closer, When suddenly her senses came back at her sign of an exsisting Heaven and hope, A gun shot. What she saw looking up, was hard to not mistake for a child, a scared child. This man, from a group of elites who people had to point their small beams of hope upon, who made people celebrate when they were about to leave this world; who got drunk and beat up women and killed them if they had a child to torture the child later on, was pointing his fire arm, his weapon of potential mass-killing . . . At cockroaches and spiders. She watched blankly as he shot the critters while yelling "Die you disgusting demons!!" 'He is mad' she thought, the man really resembled a sissy-boy who hated bugs and just worried about them getting close and not whatever she did. It was her time, she knew he would do it; He was working too quick not to, She crawled up to him , at the speed of a turtle and fell a couple of times. when she finally got to him, she weakly reached her hands up, held the gun and, with shaky hands of joy, relief and a very tiny tinge of regret and fear, She pulled the trigger, Nothing happened. At this moment, for the first time in weeks, She showed, Emotion. It was shock. The disbelief that she was still breathing, that there was no big cracking sound or bang, leading the solider to have a fearing face to fear what his boss would do to him for letting one die. She slowly shook her head with a look of denial and made one last quick glance at the gun's fire end as if expecting a malfunction and then it's heroic blast making a burnt pepperoni hole in her head or chest, either way worked, but just as quickly, she realized she was stuck living once again, but to both of their amazement, instead of rezombifying She broke. She let it all go. All of those weeks of being a statue with no rest, all of the memories in line in her head, always trying to get reactions from her, the countless insults started crashing down, and even the rock-hard bread and swampy water getting to her head, although what she had while hiding wasn't much better. It all came down on her with the failed suicide as the breaker of the barrier that kept these things in check to keep her stable. She began to scream, ball and make miserable attempts to scratch him. All he did was quickly look around to make sure this hadn't become the Military's Nightly Soap Opera grab her wrists, kneel down on his knees and pulled her into a hug, patting her on the back, with a girly voice saying things such as "Yeah" and " I know how ya' feel baby!", despite how creepy it seemed, she didn't mind it. Some how she found it comforting and welcoming, but only for a minute or two, she then glared up at him and asked him a predictable question which became her first words in weeks. "Who the hell are you?" she asked This had to be some sort of set up joke or trap, though she didn't care, she still didn't want to feel stupid in her death chamber, This guy wasn't going to descieve her, she assured herself "Why, I'm Tyra Banks's assistant! Much younger and cuter than Dr. Phil ne?" He asked. Admittingly he did look cute, a childish face with a happy look glued on, coa-coa brown hair, and ocean blue eyes, about his mid-20's . . .Wait, Why did she care about this all of a sudden? "Cut the crap." She said with a dead serious face. "You're just another mudering-bastard who's obviously beyond drunk trying to get something out of me." She said Smiling he raised his hands. "You caught me." He said "I just wanted to find out if your name is as cute as you are, My name's Miles" The compliment this "Miles" had given her and the fact he was inches from her face made her blush strawberry-red, but it only took her fifteen seconds to loose it, and stand up. "You think I'm going to tell a scum like you my-" She was cut off when her legs suddenly gave in and she fell, Miles fourtanetly caught her halfway. He had an amused smile on his face "Thank you for demonstrating London Bridge to the class,hun" Miles said with a little chuckle, She punched him on the head. " Don't call me hun little boy" She threatened. He smiled and got up. " Welp, break's over, But fear not my friend, I shall be back same time tomorrow to get that lovely name!! Oh and here!" He said as he threw her a little present walked out of the cell and closed it up. She looked at what Miles threw, It was a chocolate wrapped in a heart shape foil. " Thank you" She wispered to herself but Miles ran back "Anytime girlfriend" he said in his girly voice and ran off, Leaving her to wonder, What happened that let him be the one to take her out of her blank-world state? Could she have? No, Love? She wouldn't dream of it with him, with anybody. This hand that tried to hang on to her would be forced to let go as the stronger and more numerous waves of dark chaos took her to her grave. Still, she wanted to believe that it just might . . . She couldn't think anymore, somehow she suddenly felt a wave of tiredness run over her. And for the first time in weeks, she slept. She dreamt of the time she, her little sister, and her mother were eating ice cream when she was eight. Her mother stared at a couple talking and laughing asked the two how they thought they would meet their soulmates. They were in a park. Her little sister ,Minami spoke first. "That one year I don't get a date for prom and I'm just sitting in that neon-themed auditorium, alone, depressed, slightly jealous, Then a REALLY handsome guy sees me and asks me to dance and, and . . .Cupid shoots us with a shotgun BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE!!" That was Minami, It starts out normal but she finds some way to blow it up in the end . . . Minami's older sister simply said "There is no such thing as a soulmate here. They're just what Aulstrailians call their imaginary friends. I'll welcome love, but I won't crumble to pieces in it's presence." she promised. Their mother chuckled. "You'll be surprised" she warned playfully. Then the dreamer sees eight years later when her family feels some big shakes, They suspect an earthquake until their house explodes. She finds Minami under a pile of rubble at her end, struggling to stay alive, She herself wasn't as bad. Minami was fourteen, shakingly grabbing her older sister's hand. "I- I hope c-cupid's bullet e-ends up in your l-leg, so you don't pass love b-by when it c-comes, f-for both of o-our sakes" She whispered before letting go and slowly becoming human ice. Her older sister screamed, her older sister cried, but her older sister promised. The dreamer finally woke up in the cell, she heard quiet sounds as she layed there, suddenly. Then she heard his voice. "You've been asleep for two whole days, the camera was watching!" He exclaimed. " I'm Glad you didn't die my pretty." He smirked and proceeded to tickle her sides. " My- mom -did -this all- the time" She said netween laughs "I'm a- master- of resistance!" Miles then stopped. "Oh I didn't think of that." he mummured. Well then I must bring THIS out . . ." He takes out a rice ball the siize of a softball, She was slack jawed, She hadn't seen a rice ball in YEARS and it was so big . . .So tempting .. . She reached for it but Miles moved his hand and his free hand to her head as she clawed at air while the onigiri stayed safe. " Give me your name first" he bribed, She mentally pouted. Miles smirked and slowly brought the giant ball of appetizing rice with it's unknown contents to his mouth. Her returning stomach's begging of a chage of taste or possible protein overtook her will as she shut her eyes. "ALRIGHT YOU SISSY IT'S NAYOKO!" She yelled refering to his fear of cockroaches, " NOW GIVE ME THE BALL OF GRAINS!" Nayoko yelled Miles smiled and handed it to her. " That was a weird way of saying that last line, Na-yo-ko." He mentioned while smiling as Nayoko sent a death glare his way while eating the onigiri, but then she noticed something . . . "WHAT THE HELL, WHY DOES THIS, THING, HAVE BROWNIE, GRAPES ,AND . . .Is that PEANUT BUTTER?!" "My kitchen is my laboratory hun, All kinds of crazy stuff was born there" Miles said with a smirk "Seeya later" He said getting up. Nayoko sighed and sat there, wondering if Cupid had chose this death chamber to shoot her. "Well he's still a mind- lacking baby with a gun and no clue how to use it, So it's quite possible" She reasoned. Nayoko had a new way to measure time- When Miles came it had been twenty four hours, they talked about different things, random stuff they thought of. Nayoko started to practice walking around her cellar when she was alone. Somehow this imprisoment was, bearable.. One day Miles came in and with a child-like serious look on his face and Nayoko knew he wanted something, more like an answer to a question he wondered. She braced herself with her will. He won't get anything deep " Nayoko I have a question for you!" He started after sitting down and raising his hand. "Yes Miles?" She asked with a fake smile of a teacher, playing along. " How did you end up here?" He asked. "I mean captured." She squinted her eyes and there were a couple moments of awkward silence. " Nothing special, I just got captured with two kids I met and tried to help" She shrugged "Kept them safe for six months" I have no Friends- The cats have scratched and destroyed all of the DVDs! I always owe someone- In fact I put two os in it! I always ruin my clothes with Bleach!- The show is so dom suspensful I spill my grape soda on them! But . . .I'll live.
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02-15-2010, 12:28 AM
"Wow!" Miles exclaimed "How did you pull that off?" He said like an amazed child listening to a big story.
" Oh it wasn't easy" She admitted sounding more enthusiastic, "There were countless scary times of ppossibly being taken away, the challenges of food, one of them lost two of her family members and . . .obtaining their trust. But I did it all!!" Nayoko said proudly Miles clapped. "Nayoko is an amazing person!" He stated Nayoko blushed. The meetings kept going like that Nayoko was feeling better but her new state left her to suffer the inhumanity of the place like a normal person, but to also love like one again, and consider forgiving herself for loosing the kids. though she knew she never would. Finally one day . . .The end came. She should have seen it, It came like the skilled phantom's blade in the pinning silence of the night, And in the paradise of hope. Nayoko was sitting, knowing that Miles was due to arrive soon but when a solider came, she wasn't expecting the different voice booming out in a serious tone her fate. The fate she forgot, The fate she thought he saved her from; The stupid theory. "Nayoko Matsudo, You have been called to be executed" He announced. He opened the gate and she came out, not saying a word or showing an emotion. She locked herself up again and followed the solider to a big lighted chamber with another solider much more muscular than Miles. "We kept you alive thinking you were a good behaving rat, turns out you've done some rotten foolish stuff." The muscle guy said, pulling out a knife, the other guy did too and they both charged at and started stabbing and beating Nayoko. "So this is how it ends, eh?" She thought "This is death, this is betrayal, This is what my courage and strenghth gave me back Cupid must have been captured too. Life just sucks like that." Physically she could feel the pain, in reality, she was screaming. Mentally she had given up. And was gone, leting the snakes of the dark consume her meaningless soul, simply shutting herself up. But somehow she saw light again. Her hands were stinging and she couldn't move anything. She suddenly felt a warm hand brushing her bangs. She blinked and opened her eyes. It was Miles. She looked to her right to see IV bags that had needles in her hands. The room was white with a TV showing Kanon 2006. There was a board that said ICU, She then glared at Miles. " Where am I you back stab-" Nayoko was cut off when he covered her mouth with a finger, forcing her to have to hold in all the yelling and name calling she wanted to let out.. " I know I was a a-hole and I'm sorry but I had to, I had to use you as a decoy. I told them you were really bipolar, seducing me some days to a point where you were tugging my clothes in a scary way and there were other days you strangled me to near-death, so that they'd get ralled up on you and give me the chance to free all of the kids there who I'd been talking too as well. I then went back fory ou and told them to let me finish you off but I took you here." He explained with fear and guilt on his face, looking away. "Miles." Nayoko started, Miles looked at her. "Your an amazing idiot." she said with tears in her eyes. "But why do you do it? Why do you help us?" she asked, Miles looked down. "Because I destroyed you." He started. I bombed your house because my country saw yours as pathetic lowlives and it was my duty. Then I heard you, and I saw you, crying, It wasn't a first, but, something about you made me tick. so I helped kids and you out, planning to one day escape and . . .Start a family. . . I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He was sobbing. Nayoko smiled. " I forgive you, since my family didn't go through that hell anywhere near as long as I did. I love you, because you grew up, but you're still a kid, You are amazing" She said crying happily. Miles, who had been kneeling down the whole time, kissed her on the forhead. "" I don't wanna give you a heart attack by lip-locking now. "He winked. "Oh, and to answer your dyer sexual needs, We don't get in bed until we're married- Or atleast four months from now if we don't" He added, rememberig marriage was kinda messed up these days. "Well your dirty mind thought of that so it's on you" Nayoko threw back jokingly. Miles shook his head and got up. "Me gonna get a soda now!!" He said, still the child at heart. Speaking of children, two familiar ones came in. " Hey Nayoko, Glad you made it out of that, You saved our lives, Thank you." Megumi one of the little kids Nayoko helped for six months, said. with a big smile "Everything OK now!" Rai said in his usual inproper-grammarly ways, with a big grin, Nayoko smiled. " I know Cupid shot me on the left foot, That stupid ID thing is on my right" She said matter-a-factly -End of sorrow- <(^_^<) (>^_^)> Thank you for reading!! Fill allyour days with chocolate and all of the amazing love life has to offer!! I have no Friends- The cats have scratched and destroyed all of the DVDs! I always owe someone- In fact I put two os in it! I always ruin my clothes with Bleach!- The show is so dom suspensful I spill my grape soda on them! But . . .I'll live.
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02-15-2010, 09:20 PM
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