Young Love Poem

SaraNeko · (#1 (**permalink**))

when we were little kids
You gave me my first kiss.

I didnt know what to think
All i could do was blink.

Some years went by and we still liked each other
It's just that neither wanted to tell the other.

I dated a goth, a jock
A freak, and a geek

Neither made me as happy as i wanted to be
So i think back to that year in 1993.

When both of us were little playing in the sandbox
And you accasionally throwing me a rock.

I think about those times when i was happy with you
Could this mean that i LOVE you?

Sure we had our good times and bad times
But, hey, we got through them just fine.

Now we are older
And alot more bolder.

We're not in high school anymore
And i begin to love you more and more.

We went our seperate ways
Not seeing each other for days.

Soon the days went by...
Days turned into weeks
Weeks turned into months
And months to years.

And still I have not seen you
So each passing day I shed more and more tears for you.

Soon 5 years have passed
And still i am not very glad.

I finally saw you outside
You were walking on this beautiful day outside.

You begin to walk my way
So i just turn away.

I watched you out of the corner of my eye
You were looking at me intently and i wondered why.

The wind started blowing
And made my auburn hair flowing.

So I took a sip of my lemonade
And you still look my way.

So then i stand up and look at you
And our eyes meet, yours green and mine blue.

Then suddenly you run my way and hold me tight
You looked at me and said, "I'll love you forever with all my might."

I looked up at you
And said, "I'll love you forever too."

Then we kissed long and deep
And thought you were mine to keep.

By. SaraNeko

SaraNeko · (#2 (**permalink**))

leave me a quick reply and tell me what u think of my poem please and thank you. ^__^

Yggdrazzil · (#3 (**permalink**))

Deep and touching. What a wonderfull poem. Im not very technical when it comes to poems, but the story touched me. I wonder about the last line:

"And thought you were mine to keep."

Euhm, does it mean it didn't last?

that would make me really sad ..

AoshiShinomori · (#4 (**permalink**))

Very well thought out storyline. I like it! You're also one of the few people who seem to write in rhyme scheme. Great job at that!

Critically though, the rhymes could have been a bit better and concise. Your paragraphs are too short with only two lines. Grouping them at four lines each would have given you more variety with the rhymes.

They syllable meter could also use some attention. Different paragraphs use different syllable schemes. Keeping uniformity would give the poem added beauty.

Well written poem, very cogent story line. Keep it up!

dogsbody70 · (#5 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by SaraNeko

leave me a quick reply and tell me what u think of my poem please and thank you. ^__^

is english your first language.

sorry my broken arm causes my bad typing just now.

why not reread your poem and see how it could be improved then show us again.

TalnSG · (#6 (**permalink**))

SaraNeko, the simplicity of the writing enhanced the point that things should have been so simple. Nicely done. And it reminded me of my past a bit, as well.

dogsbody70 · (#7 (**permalink**))

i cannot understand what this person is trying to say.

TalnSG · (#8 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorderngarnar

Real healed mentation out plot. I like it! You're also one of the few group who seem to compose in jibe group. Extraordinary job at that!
Critically tho', the rhymes could human been a bit outstrip and epigrammatic. Your paragraphs are too abbreviated with exclusive two lines. Grouping them at quartet lines apiece would hump conferred you writer variety with the rhymes.
They syllable prosody could also use whatsoever aid. Diametrical paragraphs use incompatible syllable schemes. Safekeeping uniformity would administer the poem accessorial example.
Recovered graphical poem, very telling prevarication communication. Record it up!

I could decipher this, but considering you are posting on a board with many users for whom English is not thier first language, this will keep you from being understood by most of those reading your post. I cannot be sure whether this is a problem with your lack of use of English or it is intentional jibe. If its the latter, I would advise against it. But if this is due to translation difficulties, let us know and many of us can try to help.

alp12ha · (#9 (**permalink**))

This is very lovely and sweet poem.
I feel very glad to read this.

Ghap · (#10 (**permalink**))

Im sorry but although there was 1 or 2 lines I enjoyed the rest was mediocre at best!

But hey everyone else thinks your great.