Getting a japanese girlfriend

[alanX]

Originally Posted by bELyVIS

Let's see, you have told me that all foreign men who date or marry Japanese women do so because we are losers who can't get dates in our home countries (degrading Japanese women at the same time). You claim that anyone can find love in their home country, and that attaction to other cultures or races is some kind of flaw that we can overcome (why do we need to?). You have put me down because I am a comedian and you think that this does nothing as far as meeting women (apparently you don't know that making a woman laugh is the best way to get her interested).
You are rude, a know it all (you aren't even close), as well as an idiot as proven by your photo (at least I look like an idiot with some hot girls). And as far as crying to the Mods, I was asked to do this in the hopes that they could get enough of them to agree that you need to be perminately banned (this isn't going to happen I guess).
People like you are never successful. You might be able to BS some people, but us smart people will see you for the insecure, opiniated, racist, jerk you are.

Do you have a daughter??
Just kidding

[Columbine]

Originally Posted by bELyVIS

You get one guess.

Uh, I went through the thread and nobody uses the phrase "little geisha" asides from you, unless a post was deleted.

As to the other, if you were referring to my or Nyororin's comments "And often enough to be noticeable, it's always the guys who you can SEE why they have had bad dating experiences back home. Not always, but about half of all the ones who do this maybe."

That's a little different to "Only losers who can't get girls back home date Japanese girls".

I wasn't very clear, I admit, but I didn't mean they were losers, just that it was clear from some of the things they were saying (attitudes, annecdotes etc) why their prior relationships had gone sour and it wasn't entirely the girl's fault like they wanted to make out. Let's face it, it's rarely the entire fault of one partner as it takes two to tango. If you're dating someone of the same culture, speaking the same language, you expect it all to be right there on the plate. If you're from different cultures and there's a language barrier, then both parties expect to have differing approaches and will be more prepared to compromise and adapt because of it.

In someways that's an advantage if you can get past whatever it is that can foil a relationship. In others it just means it takes longer for that behavior to come out. This is not necessarily bum-hole behavior nor is it specifically related to what race they're dating, but it becomes like that once they get to Japan and find that there's a whole demographic of girls who are interested in them. Then instead of thinking "ok, my last relationship went down the pan and it was horrible, i won't make the same mistakes" it becomes more of a "It wasn't anything I did, I was just a victim of horrid *Insert country name* girls! But Japanese girls understand the real me!" and they have, naturally, a bunch of guys of similar experiences around to validate those thoughts.

Anyway, it's back to statistics. That "half" is only part of the percentage who are only there for the nookie and bragging rights. The other half probably do EXACTLY the same thing back home and would be obnoxious anywhere in the world, and outside of that are the homosexuals, the ones with girlfriends back home, the ones with japanese girlfriends but who don't act like giant...ego's when they're around other western guys, reformed bum-holes and all the single guys who are just generally nice people who don't adhere to stereotype plus sundries. So it's a largish chunk of the population but it's by no means all or representative. They're just LOUD and daggy and more likely to blast their opinions around.

[bELyVIS]

Originally Posted by Columbine

Uh, I went through the thread and nobody uses the phrase "little geisha" asides from you, unless a post was deleted.

As to the other, if you were referring to my or Nyororin's comments "And often enough to be noticeable, it's always the guys who you can SEE why they have had bad dating experiences back home. Not always, but about half of all the ones who do this maybe."

That's a little different to "Only losers who can't get girls back home date Japanese girls".

I wasn't very clear, I admit, but I didn't mean they were losers, just that it was clear from some of the things they were saying (attitudes, annecdotes etc) why their prior relationships had gone sour and it wasn't entirely the girl's fault like they wanted to make out. Let's face it, it's rarely the entire fault of one partner as it takes two to tango. If you're dating someone of the same culture, speaking the same language, you expect it all to be right there on the plate. If you're from different cultures and there's a language barrier, then both parties expect to have differing approaches and will be more prepared to compromise and adapt because of it.

In someways that's an advantage if you can get past whatever it is that can foil a relationship. In others it just means it takes longer for that behavior to come out. This is not necessarily bum-hole behavior nor is it specifically related to what race they're dating, but it becomes like that once they get to Japan and find that there's a whole demographic of girls who are interested in them. Then instead of thinking "ok, my last relationship went down the pan and it was horrible, i won't make the same mistakes" it becomes more of a "It wasn't anything I did, I was just a victim of horrid *Insert country name* girls! But Japanese girls understand the real me!" and they have, naturally, a bunch of guys of similar experiences around to validate those thoughts.

Anyway, it's back to statistics. That "half" is only part of the percentage who are only there for the nookie and bragging rights. The other half probably do EXACTLY the same thing back home and would be obnoxious anywhere in the world, and outside of that are the homosexuals, the ones with girlfriends back home, the ones with japanese girlfriends but who don't act like giant...ego's when they're around other western guys, reformed bum-holes and all the single guys who are just generally nice people who don't adhere to stereotype plus sundries. So it's a largish chunk of the population but it's by no means all or representative. They're just LOUD and daggy and more likely to blast their opinions around.

Yes, that post was deleted. And no, someone else posted the post about the losers thing awhile back. Not you or Nyororin.
And as far as having bad experiences with women from a certain country, yes, but the majority of women in a country act alike due to culture. Isn't this true? So if I don't like the way the majority of the woman in a certain country act, why am I wrong for finding someone from a country where I like how the Majority of the woman act? Seems logical to me.
You know I first commented on this to give a guy a positive outlook on getting what he wanted. But it only takes one A-hole (not you) to turn this into a negative thing and it seems to be the same one always.

[bELyVIS]

BTW, this thread was started by a guy asking advice on how to get what he wanted. After a few positive posts then all of a sudden certain members here always feel they need to set us straight about what we should want or how what we want is wrong. When have I ever told anyone here what they should want? Yet it is OK to call us names and belittle us for what we like and want. When others say they like something that I don't like, I know I have no right to tell them how to think or what to like. Does this really seem fair?

[Columbine]

Originally Posted by bELyVIS

Yes, that post was deleted. And no, someone else posted the post about the losers thing awhile back. Not you or Nyororin.
And as far as having bad experiences with women from a certain country, yes, but the majority of women in a country act alike due to culture. Isn't this true? So if I don't like the way the majority of the woman in a certain country act, why am I wrong for finding someone from a country where I like how the Majority of the woman act? Seems logical to me.

You know I first commented on this to give a guy a positive outlook on getting what he wanted. But it only takes one A-hole (not you) to turn this into a negative thing and it seems to be the same one always.

Yes it's true that culture will lead to certain modes of behavior that are shared by the population, however to say "the majority of women in a country act alike" in correspondence to "having bad experiences with women from a certain country" insinuates that the bad experience is directly relational to women's behavior. I can't help but object to that as that somehow makes it women's fault, and it's never so one-sided. Equally you could say it is the cultural male norms of that lead men to make bad choices/ have bad experiences/ act poorly in a relationship/ dislike how the women act.

There's quite a gender split with this kind of issue. Women might raise up men of other nationalities as a preference, but in my experience, they're less likely to put down the men of their own country. The comments are usually things like "They just don't do it for me/ I just don't understand them" or "It's just this area. Guys around here are X/Y/Z." Men tend to raise up other groups of women, but then SLAM the rest on a much wider basis.

It's also quite fair enough to say "I prefer the Japanese culture's approach to dating" and it's not wrong to then focus on that. It IS wrong to put the entire blame on the women of your home country and it IS wrong to say such things if you have no experience of Japan, it's culture or it's women, or indeed any culture outside of your own. If you have dated 20 women from 20 different countries and prefer japan after that, sure. But don't date 20 american women and then decide from what you know from the media that Japanese women are better because their culture makes them so, especially if you're going to use that point to slag off the women of your home country.

Unfortunately that is exactly the approach a lot of men who come to Japan seem to have taken and that is exactly what a lot of us find so offensive. One girl I knew was turned down by a guy who told her, "You're nice, but I only date Japanese girls now. Sorry."

I haven't given an opinion yet and honestly I don't think there is much wrong with purposefully seeking a partner of XYZ race. HOWEVER, there's a lot of conditionals tacked onto that. If you are obsessive yet ignorant or using it as a point to be racist, or taking advantage of the girls you are seeking (i've seen some guys treat them like meat. It's disgusting) then I wholly disagree. But I have quite a few friends dating Japanese people and I have never thought of them as being racist or stupid for their choices. I've also been on the receiving end of the "let me tell you what you should want and how what you want is wrong" chat for dating my last boyfriend. It's insulting to be told either you're settling or else "You're only with *name* because you're an obsessed weeaboo" (genuine quote off this one guy. Laughably inaccurate, as my ex was mostly american indian with some korean thrown in and if you cut me in two I'd have " Oh I say! A Cotswold's Gymkhana!" through me like a stick of rock) so I can appreciate where you're coming from.

But then that's the whole issue, because those who ARE genuine about such a relationship have to battle both sides of the argument. The push of "You shouldn't pick just by race because it's dumb and offensive" AND the defense of "You can't help who you fall in love with."

I was actually a little impressed with the OP. All else asides, I got the impression he was mostly asking how to find japanese people to socialize with or start a long distance relationship and wasn't just "OMG<JAPANESEGIRLS WANT NAOOO!"

[bELyVIS]

Originally Posted by Columbine

Yes it's true that culture will lead to certain modes of behavior that are shared by the population, however to say "the majority of women in a country act alike" in correspondence to "having bad experiences with women from a certain country" insinuates that the bad experience is directly relational to women's behavior. I can't help but object to that as that somehow makes it women's fault, and it's never so one-sided.

The bad experiences relate to the cultural training they received growing up. One cannot help how they are raised, but I don't have to choose to relate or have relationships with them either, do I?

[Columbine]

Originally Posted by bELyVIS

The bad experiences relate to the cultural training they received growing up. One cannot help how they are raised, but I don't have to choose to relate or have relationships with them either, do I?

Of course not; it's just daft to say that culture affects women's approaches to relationships without also accepting that it equally affects one's own approach as well- particularly nowadays when there's much less of a difference between the genders in terms of upbringing.

[bELyVIS]

Originally Posted by Columbine

Of course not; it's just daft to say that culture affects women's approaches to relationships without also accepting that it equally affects one's own approach as well- particularly nowadays when there's much less of a difference between the genders in terms of upbringing.

This is a big part of the problem. It is more difficult to find a femine woman but easier to find femine men.
Let the rants begin.

[alanX]

Originally Posted by bELyVIS

This is a big part of the problem. It is more difficult to find a femine woman but easier to find femine men.
Let the rants begin.

[Nyororin]

Originally Posted by bELyVIS

The bad experiences relate to the cultural training they received growing up. One cannot help how they are raised, but I don't have to choose to relate or have relationships with them either, do I?

It`s not you we`re talking about though. You`ve been clear that you had some bad experiences, moved on, and found someone great that you are happy with. It`s the guys that do nothing but bash non-Japanese women (particularly American women), and put all Japanese women on a pedestal - even if they have never actually met a real Japanese woman before that day. They also generally need to express how much better they are than any Japanese guy could ever be - both in the way they treat women and in bed. (A lot of the time, with those types it`s not even close to true as they treat the women like they are nothing more than a game and a way to rack up sex points)
And they always seem to want to make a big deal out of their opinion, and (in my experience) "rub it in" as if I am really missing out now that they`ve decided they are too good to be on the market for me.

I really couldn`t care less who someone likes and who they end up with. I myself can`t say I`ve had a lot of great experiences with the (too often) overly zealous US feminist ideals. I don`t have any trouble understanding why a man would get a sour taste in his mouth from a lot of that (check my posts in the marriage something-or-other rant thread). Clearly I get along better with a Japanese partner, as my husband is so and we are completely happy.

What I do find quite irritating is the constant talk of how much better Japanese women are, and how horrible Japanese men are. I don`t need to have people tell me I am somehow incredibly unfortunate for a) Being a female born in the US and not Japan... and b) Having to put up with a Japanese guy because no foreign guys would ever date a non-Japanese woman after being in Japan. Seriously, it`s totally unnecessary and childish...

If someone likes common cultural features of a certain country, then by all means try to meet people from that country - the chances of finding someone who both fits your ideal and is a wonderful person is much higher than trying to find someone in some other country/culture. But don`t assume that just because they are from that culture that it is all that is necessary, and don`t leap to date anyone just because they`re from there. In the same vein, while you may not seek out people from some other culture, don`t rule them out and ignore them just because of it. I think this is what is important - the relationships that are based JUST upon the other party being from some country/culture usually don`t last - those that do are founded on love and trust. Fall in love with the person.